I made only one real New Year’s Resolution in 2009 – not to buy any toilet paper during the year.
You see, last New Year’s Eve, I ran into my neighbors before they moved to Washington, D.C.
“You guys getting on the road?” I asked.
“Yeah, and we left a little present in front of your door.”
“Wow. That was nice of you guys. Thanks and good luck out there.”
It was about 7:00 at night, and my ride was waiting for me. But I had to see what they left. And there it was – a trash bag full of 1-ply toilet paper rolls. The kind you find in a portable toilet outside a sports venue.
I didn’t spend a dime on toilet paper the entire year.
Shit (pardon the pun), I still have six rolls left.
Let’s look at the other New Year’s Resolutions I made last year:
* Get a new digital camera
I got a new cell phone instead but it has a pretty decent camera.
* Get a new television
Actually I went a little backwards on this one. I’m now the proud owner of a Zenith console with wood grain on the sides.
* Quit walking on my broken ankle
It eventually healed, so I guess that’s a “yes.”
* Get my pee & cum pill prescriptions filled
I got my pee pills refilled, but I never got the medicine for the prolonged ejaculation problem. I didn’t hear any complaints – except from myself.
* Get a job
I guess. I know I have to be somewhere Monday-Friday at a specific time.
* Get below 175 lbs.
Have you seen me lately? 202.
* Quit beating my dick like it owes me money
This one didn’t stand a chance.
* Get laid
* Create a line of T-shirts and Koozies to sell on the SOB
Done. King, Devo and the rest of the West Coast Crew are representing out in Cali.
* Clean the Saab
I don’t even know where the car is.
* Win the lottery
I use free toilet paper, work a 9-5 job, and watch a TV made in the ’70′s. What do you think?
This year’s theme is “Getting Thin in 2010.”
Oh, and I might try to grow up and become a responsible member of society. I’ll keep you posted.
You know the day destroys the night. Night divides the day. Tried to run. Tried to hide. Break on through to the other side.