Here’s a sampling of a commercial jingle I’m working on for the propane industry.

Yeah, I know it’s stupid. But I get a little delirious after trying to transform this SpongeBob SquarePants body into an Adonis-like sculpture.

…which leads me to my trip to Walmart this morning.

I had to return the workout bands I bought last week. After starting my exercise regime, I realized that bands are for pussies – and I need a pull-up bar.

The customer service manager was a semi-attractive blonde in her mid-50’s – with huge fake boobs. A cougar, if you will. And she left no doubt that I was supposed to notice her boobs.

She was sticking them out like they were shooting off mortar rounds from a battleship.

And if that wasn’t strange enough – the two employees working were named Tiphanie and Rodgery.

I mean, what the hell happened to Tiffany and Rodger?

I think Jack and Jill have been replaced with Jacquez and Jinelle.

Well, it’s 8 o’clock in Boise, Idaho.

I should be on Day 5 of P90X tonight, but let me recap my progress so far.

Monday (Day 1): Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X

Tuesday (Day 2): Plyometrics

Wednesday: My arms were so sore I couldn’t brush my teeth.

Thursday: My legs were so sore I couldn’t sit down. And I’m not even going to share my toilet story. Man that was scary.

Friday: I could probably get through Day 3 – Shoulders & Arms/Ab Ripper X – tonight. But I’ve decided to give myself one more day to rest. Besides, this bourbon is tasting pretty sweet.

I promised myself I’ll do Day 3 tomorrow, which should actually be Day 6. The “90″ in P90X stands for the number of days in the workout program.

I’m calling it P120X.

I just read that Tiger Woods is taking an “indefinite break from professional golf.” Shit, golf is the least of his worries. He needs to take an indefinite break from banging porn stars.

Facebook Update

If you’re a Fan of The Summer of Benny on Facebook, but you’re no longer getting updates on your wall – you need to click “Remove Me from Fans” – and then click “Become a Fan” again.

I guess this has something to do with the URL change.

Old: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Summer-of-Benny/65237353484

New: http://www.facebook.com/summerofbenny

Apparently Facebook didn’t forward from the old to the new one very long.

Sorry I changed it to the vanity URL – facebook.com/summerofbenny – when we reached 100 fans.

I mean, it was so much easier to say, “Hey, go to my page on Facebook. What’s that? Oh, it’s facebook.com/pages/The-Summer-of-Benny/65237353484.”

Seriously.

The tree blocking the stop sign in Dogtown was finally trimmed today. I called my photographer, and we plan on getting down there soon for a shoot. I need some new pictures for my portfolio.

-  Tiger Woods sex tape leaked. NSFW

And Harry doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene. He’s got a daytime job he’s doing alright. He can play honky tonk just like anything. Saving it up for Friday night.

The holidays are a time for giving, and a time for forgiveness. I have a great way to reach out to that special person that did you wrong.

Buy a $100 gift card – preferably a Visa or Master Card – spend every single dime on the thing – and then send it in a card with a note.

“Sorry for the way I acted. I was totally out of line. Please enjoy a nice dinner on me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Then sit back and wait for the douche to call.

I worked out again tonight. I had planned on getting up early, but something happened. I think it’s called the Snooze button.

But I plan on keeping it up.

I bet you do.

I was at a bar a couple of weeks ago with a girl. You know – the one whose carpet I puked on.

Anyway, we were having a nice time watching the Mizzou/KU game. Then she grabbed my bicep and said, “I’m going to start calling you SpongeBob SquarePants.”

Ouch.

Tonight I told her I was stopping by the hardware store because I needed to get a large hook.

“What do you need that for?” she asked.

“I need it for the bands I use when I’m working the pecs and traps.”

“Where are you going to hang it?”

“At the top of a wall.”

“Do you have a stud finder?”

“Yeah, it’s called a mirror.”

Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes.

Ahhh…it’s Show and Tell time at the White House

Alright, I guess I can do it – work a full day – exercise when I get home – and still have time to write the SOB.

But I’m going to start working out in the morning. Too many things get in the way at night; mainly happy hour.

I also had an idea – broadcast my workouts using the web cam. I mean, how much fun would it be to watch my ass sweat while you’re eating a bowl of Fruit Loops?

I’ll just need to remember to turn it off when I get on SpankWire. That would be awkward.

I swear my buddy lied to me tonight. We were talking on the phone when he said, “Benny, let me call you back. That’s my financial advisor calling.”

When he called back I said, “That’s pretty wierd that your financial advisor called an hour before kickoff.”

“Yeah, I just bought 25 shares of GPB.”

Tell em anything you want to. Just don’t tell em all the truth.

This looks like a pretty good ice breaker.

A couple of things tonight…first I want to go over the relationship advice I received from Issac.

I don’t want to go into a lot of detail, but last weekend I puked on a woman’s area rug. Now, I’ve dated some women for years, some for months, and others for weeks. Shit, I’ve even dated a few for minutes. Wink.

But I’ve never had a relationship turn from good to bad in such a short period of time. A week has gone by, and she has agreed to give us a fresh start.

Now for the advice from Issac – “You should tell her that she overreacted. That’s all.”

“Okay, let me get this straight. I puked on the woman’s rug. She watched me do it, and was completely disgusted. She spent hours cleaning it. She has agreed to give me another chance. And you think I should tell her that she just overreacted. Is that right?”

“Yep.”

“That is quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I’m just saying.”

The other item on my plate tonight is the cab ride I had on Wednesday. I was over-served once again, and asked the bartender to call me a cab.

The guy arrived in about a half hour, and I got into the back seat. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“Westport. Just take the Page Extension to Bennington, and go left,” I replied.

“Where exactly are you going?”

“Westport.”

“What’s the address?”

“You know what? – Just drop me off at the YMCA at the top of the hill. Is that good enough for you?”

He took off, and I started popping off jokes about Tiger. “How many swings did Tiger’s wife take at him? She said, ‘I’m not really sure. Put me down for a five.’”

He mumbled something about me being a racist, and I guess that’s when I passed out.

I woke up to find this jack-off driving me through the streets of North St. Louis City.

“Are you smoking crack?” I asked.

“Hey, you didn’t tell me where you wanted to go, so I’m just driving.”

“I told you to take me to Westport; not the f’n hood you dumb fuck.”

When we made it onto Broadway, I told him to pull over. “I see the meter says I owe you $65,” I said.

“Yeah, it’s still running.”

“You are out of your f’n mind if you think I’m paying you.” And then I got out of the cab and slammed the door.

The mf’er didn’t come after me, but I found myself walking the streets of downtown at 1:30 in the morning.

Thankfully, I was able to find another cab on The Landing. “Can you take me to Westport?” I asked.

“Sure.”

I prayed the entire way home. I finally felt safe when we passed the airport. And the other cab driver better pray I never run into his punk ass again.

But it’s too late to say you’re sorry. How would I know, why should I care? Please don’t bother trying to find her. She’s not there.

ABC was scheduled to air “A Charlie Brown Christmas” tonight, but Obama’s speech bumped it to next week. Good Grief. I’m going to call The White House and complain. I hear it’s pretty easy to get through these days.

I like watching the annual holiday classic. They actually talk about the true meaning of Christmas. Go figure.

I’m writing lyrics for a country/rap song.

“I’m crazy like Patsy Cline!”

That’s all I’ve got, so far.

Last night I ran into a woman from work at the Shell station. She’s not in my department, but I see her everyday. She had a gallon of milk, 2 bottles of Hawaiian Punch and a 12-pack of beer.

So I’ve established that she’s a working mom who likes to drink.

Alright, I finally started the P90X workout. I weighed in this morning at 202 pounds (boner-aided). Tomorrow morning is cardio, so good-night.

Okay, I’m back. I still have a glass of wine left.

I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. Last time I used the clippers on myself, and now I have long strands of hair sticking out of my head. Shit, I’m starting to look like Art Garfunkel.

- “I Quit” note

- Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young covering the theme to “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”

Have you seen Junior’s grades?