Archive for February, 2010

TimberWolf 10 Can Special

Another conversation with Anonymous Buddy:

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
I found a great tip to help boost my brainpower.

BENNY
Okay.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
It said to brush your teeth with your left hand if you’re a righty. But I took it a step further.

BENNY
I think I know where this is going.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yep – I started using the other hand to jerk off – tried it out this afternoon.

BENNY
Seriously – what is wrong with you?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Nothing. But while you’re giving yourself up for Lent – I’ll be getting smarter – and you’ll be getting dumber.

BENNY
Yeah, I’m sure that was Bill Gate’s secret to success.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Don’t be condescending.

BENNY
That’s a pretty big word, Brainiac.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
See – it’s already working.

Great pickup line:

You: Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?

Her: Sorry, I have a boyfriend.

You: Really? I have a goldfish.

Her: What?

You: Oh sorry, I thought we were talking about shit that doesn’t matter.

I am the son and the heir – of nothing in particular.

Keto Stick

I peed on it

I’ve decided to get serious about my diet, so I’ve eliminated all carbs after 2 PM. Then I piss on this little stick at night to make sure my body is in ketosis. That’s the medical term for not eating french fries.

FYI – If you call one morning, and I use the code word, “Snickers” – bring sugar – STAT.

Excerpt from a meeting:

MANAGER
Guys, we’ve been over this before, but you can’t use cell phones at your desks. This includes sending text messages.

BENNY
What about sexting?

MANAGER
Maybe we should call Cheryl Carpenter and ask her.

BENNY
Who’s that?

MANAGER
She’s in charge of HR.

BENNY
Don’t do that. Just give me her cell phone number, and I’ll kill two birds with one stone.

Black Betty with Epic Beard Man. NSFW

Bam-ba-Lam.

Amardillo Coat

I guess I never realized this before, but I rarely have a conversation with King when we’re both sober. Here’s one from this morning.

KING
What you got going today, Benny Boy?

BENNY
Laundry.

KING
Got a little laundry on the agenda, huh?

BENNY
Yeah, but I’m out of dryer sheets, and I hate static cling. I guess I could use some fabric softener spray.

KING
You’re going to need the dryer sheets for static cling. You could use the fabric softener, but all it’s going to do is make your clothes smell nice.

BENNY
What are you – Martha Stewart?

KING
(Laughs) Nope. Just sober.

BENNY
Let’s talk later.

KING
Agreed.

At a red light in the sunshine. On a Sunday. Nothin’ to say. Don’t even try.

No Porn For Lent

During this time of year I’m reminded that giving something up for Lent is not about making yourself suffer. It’s about giving something up for the benefit of your neighbor.

That’s why I’ve decided to abstain from playing a little five on one.

I’m sure my neighbor will appreciate 40 days of not hearing porn stars yelling where they want me to put it.

In return, I hope he gives up moving heavy pieces of furniture at 3 AM.

Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones. And the politicians throwing stones. Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.

Billboard

I don’t have a lot of romantic Valentine’s Day stories. That’s because I usually try to break-up with girlfriends around birthdays and holidays.

Hey, don’t laugh. I’ve managed to save a ton of money over the years using this method. And by save, I mean blew at the track.

But one year in college I met this girl right before the lover’s holiday. She seemed normal. You know, except for the Rick Springfield posters plastered on every square inch of her dorm room wall.

Anyway, I invited her over for a VD dinner. I baked some pre-packaged chicken cordon bleu, complimented with two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20.

Classy.

What’s even better is I passed the entrée off as homemade, and poured the Mad Dog into an empty bottle of a more desirable wine. I think it was Riunite.

Don’t judge. Just let me finish. That’s what she said.

“I had no idea you were such a great cook,” she said during dinner.

“Oh, it was nothing, but thanks. More wine?”

“Yes, please. This wine is wonderful.”

I’m not going to say what was served for desert. But I’m glad I had added whipped cream to the shopping list.

Fast forward three days…

I was able to avoid contact by ignoring phone calls, and not going near her dorm.

I know – what a dick. Did I mention the Rick Springfield posters?

And then later that night – BAM! There she was – standing on my doorstep.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” she asked.

“Sure, come in.” I replied.

We walked into my bedroom where she began to cry.

“Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”

“I’ve been busy studying for a couple of tests, and working on a computer lab project.”

Liar, liar, penis on fire.

“Well, I need to tell you something,” she mumbled in between sobs.

“What is it?”

“I had a miscarriage.”

Okay, let me stop right here. I’m no vagina doctor, but I’m pretty sure women can’t get pregnant and then lose a baby – in 3 days!

In addition, I’m 99% certain my boys can’t swim. Either that or I’m the luckiest SOB to ever walk a college campus.

I just gave her a big hug, and told her I was sorry. And then I walked her crazy ass to the door.

What a whack job.

Hey, remind me to tell you about the time a chick shredded my Bon Jovi cassette tape into little pieces – and then threw it on my porch with an evil note.

Never mind. I’ll remember.

You need coolin’. Baby I’m not foolin’. I’m gonna send ya, back to schoolin’.

Tom's Tuna

Shop at Sam’s Club much?

I want to thank Tom d G for hosting the Super Bowl Party this year – and for supplying the endless amount of vodka and Jaeger shots.

Needless to say, I didn’t pay close attention to the game. Shit, I had to get on the internet the next day to check the box score.

Drink – I said box.

Now we gear up for the trip to California in March to visit King’s crew. Developing…

I had dinner last night with a college buddy who was in town on business. It’s funny how people remember a story about you that you have no memory of ever happening.

“You going to drop acid on dead day again this year?” he asked.

“What are you talking about?” I replied.

“Don’t you remember the night before finals when you took a hit of acid in the back of that truck?”

“No, but that might explain why I couldn’t find my Economics class the next morning.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t acid. You might have eaten some mushrooms.”

“I’m pretty sure the type of hallucinogenic is irrelevant.”

“How did you do on that test?”

“Funny Bone has open mic nights on Tuesdays. You should come back into town and give it a try.”

Lysergic acid diethylamide is the scientific name for LSD. I learned that in chemistry lab. Wink.

You’re bringing up times I can’t recall. And I’m sure they made your point. But I just can’t seem to remember, yeah.

Admiral's Nelson Spice Rum

Got a little Admiral in you?

Every news program I watched today featured some chef or dietician explaining how you can still eat healthy at a Super Bowl party.

I don’t know what the big deal is. I eat like I’m at a Super Bowl party every day.

Oh, and the chefs try to make “cute” little references to football during their segments. Here’s how one ended her bit this morning.

FEMALE CHEF:
So when the big game is about to kickoff… (grabs plate of food and shows it to the camera). You’ll already be a winner.

Seriously.

I’ve been sick with the flu for a couple of days. A lot of women say that men become little babies when they’re sick. I don’t know if that’s true, or not. But I miss my mommy.

The live webcast from Tom d G’s will begin around 3:00 CST on Sunday.

Here are my Super Bowl picks.

What will be the result of the Coin Toss?
Heads (Coin Toss) -105
Tails (Coin Toss) -105

Pick: Tails
Tails never fails.

How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?
Clock starts as soon as Underwood sings first Note and Stops when she sings her last note.
Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds -150
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds +120

Pick: Over
And the home – of the – braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.

Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today’s annual Ad Meter?
Anheuser-Busch / Budweiser 5/7
Go Daddy.com 9/1
Career Builder 9/1
Coca-Cola 10/1
Family First 12/1
Doritos 12/5
Other 5/2

Pick: Doritos
Watch the little kid slap his momma’s new boyfriend.

What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
Lime Green 9/1
Yellow 20/23
Orange 11/2
Red 8/1
Blue 25/2
Clear/Water 37/20

Pick: Orange
Lock of the day

How Many Times will CBS announcers fully mention Hurricane Katrina during the game?
Wager is on the number of times announcers specifically say – Hurricane Katrina – during the Game (from kick off until final whistle).
Over 2½ (-210)o
Under 2½ (+170)u

Pick: Over
Like taking candy from a baby. This line should be at least 5.

How Many Times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the Game?
Wager is on the number of times Kim Kardashian will appear on TV during the Game (from kick off until final whistle). Live pictures only, Any Taped Pictures or Past Video does not count towards wager. Person must be in attendance for wager to have action.
Over 2½ (-130)o
Under 2½ (EVEN)u

Pick: Under
I’m just hoping they show the skank less than 2½ times.

Will a member of the Who smash a guitar on stage during the half time show?
Yes +115
No -145

Pick: Yes
Smash that mother fucker.

I won’t need to fight, to prove I’m right. I don’t need to be forgiven.

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