Archive for March, 2010

Keg Stand

Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!

I don’t even know where to begin to describe the Kickin @ King’s weekend.

I could start with the cute blonde I now have a crush on…or the nice girl I kept calling a hooker…or the hooker I kept calling a nice girl.

This is hard.

That’s what she said.

West Coast SOB – Day 1

Tom gave me a handful of Southwest drink coupons on the way to the airport. The flight left at 6:30 AM, and I ordered my first cocktail about a half hour later.

Believe me – the look you get from a flight attendant when you order a Jack and Coke at 7 o’clock in the morning is pretty classic.

“Don’t judge,” I told her.

Later on I messed up my cell phone while trying to remove an app at 39,000 feet. Apparently you need internet access to do that. Stupid Xanax.

I spent the entire three hour layover in Vegas trying to fix it. In hindsight, that was probably the best thing that could have happened.

I ran into the rest of the St. Louis crew at the baggage claim in Sacramento. It wasn’t even noon, but we kept the party rolling at King’s house through the evening.

At some point we went to a bar.

All I remember is someone telling me to eat a hamburger – and then sitting in the back seat of a cab while King handed him a piece of paper with his address on it – along with $80.

King mentioned something the next day about me offering to split the fare with the driver if he took me to the track. I don’t remember that so it doesn’t count.

The same cab driver drove some of the others home later. He told some elaborate tale of how I couldn’t open the unlocked front door. But I think he was under the influence.

More of the weekend to follow…I need to make a beer run.

We had a Keg in the closet
Pizza on the floor
Left over from the night before
Where we were going we didn’t really care
We had all we ever wanted
In that keg in the closet

The SOB heads to California tomorrow morning. You can follow the immaturity on Facebook and Twitter.

King sent the following itinerary:

– picking up the lou crew at the airport 1pm.
– take you all back to my crib relax prepare for the evening festivities
– I will go back down to the airport to pick up Adam n Chels at 3pm
– Bring them back and they can get ready
– Head out around 6 -7 to some bars on the river for happy hour > then an irish pub> then a club called Mix

– wake up at your own leisure
– house party

– 830am Limo picks us up for Napa
– $120/person covers ride, tip, and all the wine tastings!!!
– Smart Casual – If you guys can even pull that look off! haha

– Airport runs and Sacramento will never be the same.

I only mention this because the price for the Napa trip on Saturday keeps going up. This should avoid any further confusion.

I’m paying the $120 with my flexible spending account. Thanks, Obama!

Don’t call it a comeback. I been here for years.

Motivational Poster Why I Miss College

I made perhaps one of the lamest Tweets of all-time today.

“Shopping for flip flops make me happy.”

Now this would be perfectly acceptable if I routinely posted comments about my fondness for Fridays and sunshine. But since I routinely make fun of those posts, my Tweet was just plain embarrassing.

Not to mention a little feminine.

I promptly deleted it because, well, that’s a girl’s prerogative.

In another flash of brilliance, I bought a $6.99 T-shirt from Dirt Cheap Liquor on the way home. There were two choices of printing on the back (based on their TV ads):

  1. Size really does matter.
  2. The more he drinks the better you look.

I chose #1. WTF? I can’t wear that – especially when I’m in Northern California next week.

I hope Dirt Cheap Liquor has a liberal return policy.

This can’t go on. Lord knows you got to change.

Newspaper Headline


I think I was recently the butt of a joke on Twitter.

Here’s what I wrote:

I’m watching Family Guy instead of the Democratic National Convention; I mean the Oscars.

The next day I read this:

For the love of all that is holy, people. If you ever have the urge to use a semicolon in a tweet, drop the keyboard and slowly back away.

Okay, so maybe using a semicolon is a bit much. Maybe I should have given that up for Lent. But it gets a little frustrating when stupid has become the norm.

Here’s a text message conversation between a buddy of mine and one of his tenants the other day:

When will you have the rest of your rent for this month? You will need to include the $25 late fee since it is now 2 weeks late.

K dis Friday


No problem do apolo for da incon…

What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me? Has he taken any time to show you what you need to live?

Gina Party Luggage

The SOB posts have been few and far between lately. I mean, if I tweet a few times a day, I’ve pretty much said all I have to say.

But there are still a lot of episodes that can’t be recapped in 140 characters. Take last Friday for example. Gina Party stayed at my place after a night of drinking.

“Where can I sleep that hasn’t been peed on?” she slurred.

“The ottoman,” I slurred back.

Now the ottoman is about four feet long, and I’m guessing Gina is around 5′ 8″.

But there she was the following morning – passed out on the only pure piece of fabric I own.

“I need a piece of pizza,” she said after she rolled off her throne.

“You probably worked up an appetite getting all of that rest.”

“No doubt. And I need to get home and get ready for Fast Eddie’s.”

And away she went.

My job ain’t a job. It’s a damn good time. City to city, I’m running my rhymes.

During an appearance on the Chris Matthews show this week, former CBS Anchorman Dan Rather said of President Obama:

“Listen he just hasn’t been, look at the health care bill. It was his number one priority. It took him forever to get it through and he had to compromise it to death.” And a version of, “Listen he’s a nice person, he’s very articulate” this is what’s been used against him, “but he couldn’t sell watermelons if it, you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic.”

My favorite part is how Chris Matthews changes the subject as soon as he hears the word – watermelons.

Most of the mainstream media hasn’t mentioned Rather’s comment. This would be a whole different story, of course, had Rush or Hannity said the same thing.

But should Rather’s comment be considered racist?

I used to think there were stereotypes for a reason. But the pressure to be politically correct has changed me.

So remember…

Asians are fantastic drivers.

Jews are horrible with money.

Mexicans don’t know a thing about lawn care.

Gay men can’t stand Madonna.

Black people hate fruit-flavored drinks.

White men can jump.

If you drink don’t drive, do the watermelon crawl.

Butt Drugs

I was so bored after Family Guy ended last night – I watched some of the Oscars.

That made me even more bored, so I started thinking up porn movie titles based on the actual movies.

Basing a porn movie title from an actual film is nothing new. Examples include A Tale Of Two Titties, City of Anals, and Forrest Hump.

Here are the Nominees for Best Picture:

The Back Side
District 69
An Erectucation
The Squirt Locker
Inglourious Holes
A Serious Can
Up (Note: I didn’t have to change this one)
Hump in the Air

And the winner is…The Squirt Locker.

I wanna get me a little oblivion, baby. And try to keep myself away from myself and me.

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