Archive for May, 2010

Budweiser Truck

Now I’ve got Lil’ Wayne living next to me. Yeah, I know it’s not the real Lil’ Wayne, but it might as well be. The dude drives a car with big ass shiny rims that are the shit.

Oh, and he buckles his pants right below his ass.

This is great news because I was hoping to get a neighbor that isn’t shy about showing his underwear.

What’s even better is when he shines those pimp rims in the parking lot. I get to hear “fuck you mother fucker” blaring from the stereo.

Somebody pinch me.

I’m not saying the guy looks out of place, but picture Crowe Dog walking the streets of North St. Louis wearing khakis and a light blue sweater vest.

And thanks to Crowe Dog for bringing that 30-pack of Bud Light to the pool on Sunday. He could have stayed home stacking his cheese but he be taking care of his homeboys.

And these bitches started getting all up in our faces cause the pool ain’t open yet. I be like, “Gurrl, why you trying to get into the flavor of my Kool-Aid?”

And I’m tryin’ to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
‘Cause you see I’m on losing streak

No Birds

So I’m laying on the sofa the other morning. You know, just trying to get a few more minutes of rest before I begin the day.

All of a sudden I hear a key go into the deadbolt on my door, and someone starts trying to unlock it.

Now I need to make a very important point here. If this had happened at night, and I was by myself, I probably would’ve called the pole-lease and curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

But I’m a brave mother fucker at 7:30 in the morning.

I swung open the door and yelled, “What the shit?”

A petite Asian girl in her 20’s started screaming, “I so sorry. I just move in. I look for storage.”

“Why don’t you try the door without a letter on it, Tokyo Rose?”

I didn’t say that! C’mon, I’m not a douche. I pointed her in the right direction and she thanked me.

I mean, I felt bad for the girl. She probably hasn’t been in the country for very long. I think she was trying to get her daughter ready for school. And she was getting yelled at by a guy in boxer shorts that may or may not have just masturbated.

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world

cheap vodka

Here’s what Crowe Dog brings to the party

Man, you would think writing a movie script would be easy. A few characters…a few locations…a few lines. But this is hard.

That’s what she said. Thanks, King.

Maybe I should write a porn instead. Yeah, there’s an idea. I’ll call it The Summer of Fanny.

I could substitute another word in the title but I prefer to remain professional.

The plot would revolve around a woman who loses her job, and decides to use the internet to sell sex to pay her bills. Oh wait, that’s already been done – it’s called craigslist.

Or maybe the main character could be a man – Larry Craigslist.

(rim shot)

Pissing the night away.

Hole Sign

I had another job interview that I probably won’t get, but at least they’re getting more enjoyable.

After the normal questions like ‘What do you like most/least about your current job?’ – I was asked to give a presentation on why I should be chosen for the position.

I rattled off a few minutes of incoherent nonsense about being technical and hard-working.

Here’s how the rest of the interview went:

BENNY
I didn’t really nail that, did I?

INTERVIEWER
Well, it wasn’t like Kerri Strug landing on a sprained ankle to win the gold medal.

BENNY
That’s what  I thought.

INTERVIEWER
I mean, it wasn’t exactly a ‘Rudy’ moment, and your teammates are carrying you off the field.

BENNY
Okay. I get it.

INTERVIEWER
(laughs)

I got a job with Stanley
He said I’d come in handy
And started me on Monday
So I had a bath on Sunday

DRF

The Ameristar Casino in St. Charles was shut down for several hours on Friday after electrical outages affected video surveillance of the casino floor.

Sounds like Danny Ocean and the gang are at it again.

I’m thinking about running for president in 2012. Here are a few ideas I have for my platform.

Language

English will become the official language. If you cannot speak English, we will provide classes free of charge.

If, after five (5) years, you are still unable to speak English – Adios, Sayonara, or however you say “Good-bye” in your native language.

This legislation will also require the correct pronunciation of the word ‘Ask’.

Grocery Stores

Shoppers coming out of an aisle will be required to look both ways to avoid shoving their cart into another person’s ankle.

Violators will get their ass kicked in the parking lot.

Music

No matter the outlet – radio, satellite, internet, etc… – Any songs that are expected to be played together must be played together.

Examples include:

Led Zeppelin – Heartbreaker / Living Loving Maid (She’s Just A Woman)

Queen – We Will Rock You / We Are The Champions

ZZ Top – Waitin’ for the Bus / Jesus Just Left Chicago

Grateful Dead – China Cat Sunflower / I Know You Rider

The Cars – Bye Bye Love / Moving In Stereo / All Mixed Up

Offenders will be locked in a room for 24 hours, and forced to listen to Nickelback.

Mother should I run for president?
Mother should I trust the government?

No Peein Sign

I hoped you watched the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. If you did, you got to see a first – a moonwalking horse.

Watch the replay closely. You’ll see my pick, Sidney’s Candy, come to a screeching halt at the top of the stretch – turn around – and hee hee his way backwards to a 17th place finish.

The only thing missing was the jockey wearing a sequin glove.

On a better subject, our meeting with the film director went well. The plan is to produce a short film – probably around ten minutes – and shoot it sometime in July.

We’re going to need extras for the movie. And by extras, I mean investors.

A recent political conversation with Issac via text message:

ISSAC
Richard Steele is going to need a new gig soon.

BENNY
Don’t make me talk about your momma.

ISSAC
He didn’t really workout as well as his party hoped.

BENNY
BTW – I think you’re getting ‘Michael Steele’ confused with one of your favorite adult actors.

ISSAC
Yeah…him

Oh, life is bigger, it’s bigger than you and you are not me

©2014 The Summer Of Benny, All Rights Reserved