Archive for June, 2010

Lunch In Dumpster

My day got off to a good start. I took out the trash before I left for work. You know, because I’m a neat freak.

But then I noticed my blue lunch bag was missing, so I turned around to see if I had accidentally tossed it into the dumpster.

Yep.

I figured a couple of pieces of chicken and a blue lunch bag weren’t a huge loss, so I left it.

When I got to work I realized my prescription glasses and phone charger were also in there.

WTF?

I mean, I don’t mind buying a new phone charger, but those Tommy Bahama frames were three bills. Thank you, flexible spending account.

I turned around, and ended up dumpster diving at 9 AM in my khakis and dress shirt.


I invented a fun game to play at work. If you have Instant Messaging, start up a conversation with Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy – email it to yourself – and then manipulate the conversation.

Here, let me show you an example.

Original

BENNY:
Pull the fire alarm

NICK BURNS:
Why would I do that… I could leave right now and nobody would notice

BENNY:
I can’t. I am micro-managed.

NICK BURNS:
exactly. so you can go pull the fire alarm

Then change the conversation, and email it to Nick Burns with a header that reads FW: Human Resources – Co-Worker Threat

Revised

NICK BURNS:
Why don’t you pull the fire alarm? I need to get out of this place.

BENNY:
Why? This is a great company to work for. And I love the customers.

NICK BURNS:
And that’s what makes you an idiot. Now pull the alarm or I will attack you in the parking lot.

You’ll be amazed at how fast your computer problems get fixed.


You know a man of my ability
He should be smokin’ on a big cigar
But till I get myself straight I guess I’ll just have to wait
In my rubber suit a-rubbin’ these cars

Condom on UPS Drop Box

Waiting until 3:00 to pop the first one on Saturday paid off, as I was able to make it until the end of the pool party this year.

However, the party ended a little early thanks to the pole lease shutting down the band around 11:30.

They told everyone to leave the pool, or risk being arrested.

I’m not one to mess with the po-po, but I stood outside on the street for a while in hopes a patrol car would drive by. You know, to gain a little street cred.

That was the beer talking, because I might as well been wearing an “Arrest Me” sign on my back.

Thankfully none drove by.

And I didn’t wait until 3:00 to start on Sunday.

Somewhere out there on that horizon
Out beyond the neon lights
I know there must be somethin’ better
But there’s nowhere else in sight

Broken Urinal

The Melrose Place Pool Party is tonight. And by tonight, I mean today. For those of you new to The SOB, here’s a recap of my previous pool parties.

2007: Kicked out

2008: Kicked out

2009: Asked to leave (kicked out)

Example #31 of how women are different from men…

A woman can be incredibly pretty, sexy and funny. But she’ll still tell you she needs a boob lift, tummy tuck and a nose job.

Men? Let’s use me as an example. I look goofy and could stand to lose at least 20 pounds. But I’ll go to the pool, take off my shirt and start talking to the nearest woman.

And if I’m lucky, she’s the insecure type that doesn’t mind spending a night with a guy like me.

- I stumbled upon this post and it made me laugh.

I’m coming to find you if it takes me all night

Chevy Monza

The Bob and Tom Show has been asking listeners to submit stories about their first car. Here’s mine.

My first car was a 1979 Chevrolet Monza. One cold day I discovered I was unable to move the lever to the defrost setting.

I told my dad who was a car expert, who looked under the dash.

A few minutes later, he said, “I’ll be go to hell.”

He hands me a silver metal box. We looked inside and found rolling papers, a few small pipes and a guitar-shaped key that turned into a roach clip when you squeezed it.

We had just discovered the previous owner’s stash box.

At the dinner table he showed my mom and brothers what we had found. Then he started fumbling through the box searching for something.

He looked at me and asked, “Where’s that guitar thing?”

“On my keychain,” I replied.

“Give it back.”

The defroster worked fine after that day. But I never found another guitar-shaped roach clip.

Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live in cars

Mandango's - Sacramento CA

I was watching the hockey finals the other night when I heard the announcer say, “That was a nice reach around.”

I snickered. And then I started thinking of other terms in sports that have dirty connotations.

Baseball: Squeeze Play

Basketball: Back Door

Football: Tight End

Golf: Hole-In-One, Stroke

And Crowe Dog’s Favorite…

Badminton: Shuttlecock

When I was in California last March, I met Chelsea Field. She and her husband, Adam, are hometown friends of King.

King calls Adam “Spank.” I didn’t ask.

Chelsea is a country music artist in Nashville whose career is taking off. So until I receive a cease and desist order, I’m putting up a couple of links to her.

– CMT Video Chelsea Field: Things I Should’ve Said

– Chelsea Field on Facebook

I doubt she’ll care too much about being associated with the SOB, though. One night in Cali she spent an hour going through Facebook posts on her phone trying to find ones to reply with “That’s what she said.”

Dream yourself a dream come true

Black Cock Scotch Bottle

I’m sick and tired of watching the CEO of BP spewing apologies on television. I mean, if he feels his company is responsible for the spill and cleanup – lose the Khakis and Oxford – put on a Hazmat suit – and hit the beaches with a shovel.

It reminds me of managers who tell employees how to do their jobs, when they’ve never done the same job themselves.

As for stopping the leak, I say we pay Peru $5M and then plug the thing with Joran van der Sloot.

Issac is back with another conspiracy theory. Here’s a conversation we had yesterday via text message.

BENNY
So you think BP could stop the well if they wanted to? But instead – they are siphoning the oil and plan to sell it to us at an inflated price to pay for the cleanup/claims. Is that right?

ISSAC
I do believe there are more agressive measures that could have been taken to cap the leak….And you can bet on them pulling more oil out of that hole…Simple business…anything they can get out off that loss asset off sets the loss.

BENNY
I just wanted to get your opinion straight for my next Tweet.

ISSAC
About time your going to tweet some common sense. U still believe in Santa Claus?

BENNY
No. Your mom brings me presents.

Got a man of the people, says keep hope alive
Got fuel to burn, got roads to drive

Smokin Oyster Bar Shot Glasses

Here’s a spam email I received. I can’t believe I didn’t click on the link because it seemed so real.

Hallo,
my sweet kitty – do you completely forgot about my MOSK0W pussy? “Come to my website I have there new photos as well as VIDE0 from my H0ME onlinecamera – and you have a web-camera now?” I want to talk to you almost

I received a few requests to pick this year’s Belmont Stakes. That’s probably because I had Rags to Riches ($10.40) in 2007.

But the more likely reason is those people want to know who to bet against.

I like #3 Uptowncharlybrown.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – he doesn’t have the pedigree to get the 1 1/2 distance – and horses from his sire, Limehouse, have done their best running in sprint and middle-distance races.

His lone two wins were in December and January at Tampa Bay Downs. His big effort came on the Polytrack at Keeneland. He has yet to start in a Grade 1 race. And he’s 0 for 3 in races around two turns.

I can read a Racing Form.

Geez…

But I think there’s something special about this horse – the story.

He has 59 owners – a partnership group made up of everyday people like you and me. One of which showed up late for work at the World Trade Center on 9/11.

The original trainer died unexpectedly last April. And the current trainer, Kiaran McLaughlin, won this race in 2006 with Jazil.

The guy is 10-1 on the morning line. Let’s give him a chance.

Good grief.

Update: Uptowncharlybrown finished fifth, but was disqualified to last place.

2010 Belmont Stakes

#1 Dave in Dixie: Maybe he should be racing down there
#2 Spangled Star: I have no allegiance to him
#3 Uptowncharlybrown: The Pick
#4 Make Music for Me: By finishing last
#5 Fly Down: Just checked – I’m zipped
#6 Ice Box: I’ve dated women with the same nickname
#7 Drosselmeyer: I don’t even know what that means
#8 Game on Dude: Frickin’ hippie
#9 Stately Victor: Wait until November to play him
#10 Stay Put: In the starting gate
#11 First Dude: Obama’s pick?
#12 Interactif: Kazoontight

The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away

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