Archive for November, 2010

kid's test answer

Cyber Monday was nothing like I thought it would be. Looks like I’ll have to put the webcam and lotion away for another night.

Things that make me say WTF?

Black Friday – People go shopping when they know the parking lots and stores are going to be crowded.


How everything sounds funnier when you follow it with “bitches”.

“See you later” isn’t funny.

Now try, “See you later, bitches.”


People that make noises like “Mmmmmm” when they take a bite of food.


People that live in Section 8 housing, receive welfare, food stamps and Medicaid – but have new furniture, a flat-screen TV and an iPhone.


Ice Skating with the Stars


Grown-ups that make loud popping noises with their gum.


People that can name every American Idol winner, but can’t name their U.S. Congressman and Senators.


There are a lot of other things that make me say WTF? For example, why haven’t I made another drink.

Night, bitches.

We made love, She said I was the first
My boy kept tellin’ me. Yo, I don’t know
I think your girl’s been playing tic tac toe

cooked turkey pooping dressing

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Here are a few things I’m thankful for:

Febreze

Caller ID

Pot Pies

Cheap bourbon

- ‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving

You didn’t have to squeeze it but you did
But you did, but you did
And I thank you

Captcha - Saturday Whacking

I weighed less than 150 lbs. when I graduated high school. This morning I weighed 210.

What year did I graduate high school? Well, that would be 19-none of your business.

But I’ll tell you this – I’m getting back into shape. And my exercise of choice is going to be running. I mean, this is the perfect time of year for me to put in miles after work – because it’s dark.

It’s not like I would take off my shirt or anything. But I certainly don’t need a crowd watching while I attempt to move my massive frame up a hill at a 15 minute per mile clip.

I’d like to share more about my training schedule, but I ran a half-mile today, and need to take a hot shower and lay down.

I’m sure a lot of runners end their day the same way. You know, minus the bourbon.

I don’t know about anyone but me

Making Stinky

I enjoy using Facebook and Twitter. They allow me to find people that annoy me – and then ignore them with the click of a mouse.

If you write things like…

Just had a pot pie. Yummmmmm!

-or-

Today was the BEST day EVER!!! :)

-0r-

Wtf r we voting 4 now?

-or-

pple i jus voted 4 whoeva u pple r umm hope u win cuz i voted n idk wat u plan on doing buh umm yea lol

…you are fingernails on the blackboard of my life.

SHIFT+Delete


Have you ever had a girl stick a finger up your butt, and then tell you later she’s missing a fake fingernail – which caused you to pull the car over, and use the Taco Bell napkins in your glove box to find it?

Me neither.


I am now
A central part
Of your mind’s landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I’ve made up your mind

Beer Can Chicken

After watching the election coverage, I’m convinced the majority of people that hate Fox News have never watched Fox News.

I spent hours flipping through the cable news channels last night. As usual, Fox News had personalities and contributors from every side of the political spectrum.

CNN also did a nice job.

But MSNBC was a frickin’ joke. I mean, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews spent the night making fun of every Republican. Rachael Maddow said the biggest story of the night was Harry Reid holding on to his senate seat and role as Majority Leader.

Uh, I think the biggest story of the night was Republicans gaining more seats in the House since 1938.

How did they gain so many seats? The answer is simple. For nearly two years, the Democrats have controlled the House, Senate and White House. That means they have no one to blame but themselves for not getting things done.

They spent 18 months trying to ram health care reform through, while the unemployment rate hovered around 10%.

Remember the town hall meetings during the summer of 2009? Citizens were begging their leaders to postpone health care reform for now, and concentrate on creating jobs.

But the Democrats didn’t listen to their constituents. They went full steam ahead with their own agenda, even when the majority of citizens opposed it.

That arrogance spurred the growth of a grass roots movement known as the Tea Party. CNN, MSNBC and the mainstream media laughed them off. They called them tea baggers, nut jobs and racists.

Sure, some of the eventual Tea Party nominees ended up being a little questionable to say the least. But the movement ended up making a difference in the election.

More importantly, they made a statement to every politician – You work for us; not the other way around.


Now I want to talk about my butt. I had a physical today, and was convinced I was going to get a prostate exam. In preparation, I did a little manscaping, and used a medicated wipe. I thought that would be a nice touch.

I also refrained from farting. I wasn’t sure if that mattered or not. I guess I was just afraid of ripping a wet one that could have left a slight poop residue.

But the doctor said I haven’t reached the age where a prostate exam was necessary. I was relieved. And then he had me drop my pants to check for a hernia by fondling my nut sack.

I admire doctors for what they do. But I could never stick my finger up another dude’s butt, or rub his balls. That’s probably why I never became a doctor.

That, and the fact it took me 4 1/2 years to get an Associate’s Degree.

If you’ll be my Dixie Chicken, I’ll be your Tennessee Lamb

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