Archive for January, 2011

Credit Union Sign

This was the year I had to renew my driver’s license. The lady at the DMV was surprisingly efficient.

DMV LADY
Are the 5′ 9″ and 180 pounds still the same?

BENNY
The 5′ 9″ is.

I asked her to change my weight to 215 lbs.

That’s a bit high. But I figured that would be enough to motivate me to lose weight.

And, if I lose weight and commit a major crime, they’ll be looking for a fat guy.

Do what you say
Say what you mean

Crowe Dog Scarf

Only Crowe Dog would walk into a room and say, “Guess who just bought a new scarf?”

Okay, I’ve had a few glasses (bottles) of wine tonight, but let’s get through this.

I get pissed off when people at the gym give me a dirty look when I don’t use the spray bottle and towel every time I use a weight machine.

Here’s the deal – I’m at a gym to lose weight. To do so, I lift weights on one machine, and then move to the next one.

Taking the time to grab a spray bottle and towel off every machine is completely unnecessary.

Unless you’re a pussy.

If I use a cardio machine for 30 minutes – and sweat profusely – then I will wipe the machine.

Get over it.

Dicks.

Well I heard the news
That you were back in town

gaps and cracks bottle

Every year between Christmas and New Year’s, normal people pack up their holiday decorations, and put them back into storage.

I have a similar tradition, but it follows the last KC Chiefs game of the season. You see, this is the time I pack up my Chiefs collection, and put it away until next season.

So back into the plastic bins they go – the flag, model semi-truck, model motorcycle chopper, fishing lure, ink pen, magic-8 football, miniature replica of Arrowhead Stadium, a book on the history of Arrowhead, countless jerseys…the list goes on.

I could list every item – but I don’t want anyone to think I’m obsessed.

And I should have the Christmas Tree out of my living room by March.

- Poor Lady Chiefs Fan Caught With Her Boobs Out After Post-Playoff Pity Hump (NSFW) Thanks, John M.

So lock up your daughter
And lock up your wife
Lock up your back door
And run for your life

Arrowhead Stadium Parking Lot

Arrowhead Stadium Parking – December 26, 2010

The Kansas City Chiefs haven’t won a playoff game in 17 years, so naturally I’d like to be at the game tomorrow against the Ravens. But I have to be at a customer site on Monday morning.

Now I know what you’re thinking – just stay sober and drive home after the game. And that is what makes you a cute kid.

To make matters worse, Dani-girl and Maribeth are going to the game, and tailgating with Lil’ Bro.

Worlds are colliding again.

Dani-girl is from Baltimore and a Ravens fan. She and Lil’ Bro have been communicating via text and email. Below is one of her emails. His replies appear in red.

From: Dani-girl
Sent: Friday, January 07, 2011 9:02 AM
To: Lil’ Bro
Subject: Re: Chiefs Parking & Tailgating

Hey Lil’ Bro-

Thanks for all your help so far…I suppose I dont strongly dislike ALL chief fans lol. I am so excited for the game because a)the f-ing ravens are on fire and b) I have never been to Arrowhead stadium before….and I hear its a real treat. lol

Right now (driving from STL) will be me, maribeth and then my brother is flying directly into KC for the game (based on his arrival time and where we are we will see how to get him to the stadium). We are planning to leave by 5:30am…but I hope sooner than that :) :)

I know Maribeth and I would love to hang out for a little bit and have a beer, torture Benny with calls and pictures since he is not coming lol. Upon arrival I will be in touch with you since you will be arriving much before we are (in lot L)….

I do have some random questions (sorry to be such a pain in the ass lol…I just want to make sure I know what to expect and all)…

okay here goes….

1. Does it cost to park in the lot at the stadium? If yes, how much, If no, can anyone park there? Do you need to pre-order a permit? If we cannot park at the stadium- where else would we be able to park and shuttle in? Parking is $22. Since you’ll be arriving later, the upper lots will be hard to get into so I would suggest you enter through Gate 3 and park in Lot L.  This will also guarantee you have a beer with me.

2. What is permitted to be brought into the tailgate? I assume anything but glass? Actually bring any alcohol you want to tailgate.  Glass is fine.

3. What is permitted to be brought into the stadium? I know at Busch…we are permitted “unopened” bottles (plastic obviously) and cans and unopened food. Is this the case at Arrowhead? (If yes I would prefer to bring some minis to have some shots to stay warm…is there a full bar or just beer served?) You can’t bring anything (food & drink) into Arrowhead. They do a half-ass pat down so it’s pretty easy to sneak stuff in.  I do it all the time and small airplane bottles are extremely easy. Just don’t put them in your purse or bag as they will check that more thoroughly.

4. Can we bring in a camera?  Yes

5. I know the weather is pretty similar in KC as STL…so would you say to just wear a few layers, maybe a hat and gloves and like boots? (I know Arrowhead is a real stadium without a dome- as is the ravens lol). Tailgating is a little different than sitting on cold concrete. I would make sure you have good thermal boots, stocking hat (by Gucci I’m sure), good gloves and lots of layers. Definitely check the weather on Saturday night as they may be calling for some snow.

6. I heard that the visitor side is more in the “sun” is it worth it to try to sit on this side? I saw tickets in 307 on Stubhub for 37.50+4.95 download fees….this seemed like a good deal right? OR do you think we can get the price even lower on sunday? I dont want to pay more than 50 knowing that online i could get them for 50…but if you think people could be selling like 4 for 150 or something…obviously i would prefer to do it that way.  It’s really a crap-shoot on who will be trying to sell tickets. I would hate for you to rely solely on a scalper and then it not pan out for ya.  Yes, the Visitor side is in the sun but again, it may not matter since it’ll probably be cloudy that day.

7. Are you staying around after the game? if so…where do you think you will head out to? from what i recall there are not real bars right in the vicinity of the stadium…so we would have to go to the plaza or downtown?  I doubt I’ll be hanging out.  I have three kids at home plus Stacie’s 7 year old that we need to get back home for.  There’s a Hooters in Independence, which is on your way home.  We can use someone’s Smart Phone and use the Around Me app to check bars in the area.

8. I am not sure when we are heading back to STL..we are going to play it all by ear…my brother is flying out of STL monday am…so we just have to be at lambert by 9:15am…thats all i know….obviously if we can make it back to stl sunday night somehow fine, if not we’ll just wait until we can or get a hotel….i love spontaneity!  I guess you can do stuff on a whim when you have no kids huh?  Once mine are grown up and gone, life will be different.

OKAY…i think that is all for now- thanks again for your help- nothing like a word from the wise local….

OHHHH one more thing- my brother must eat BBQ while in KC (hes never been before)….so where do you recommend??  You may not have time for Oklahoma Joe’s (featured on Man vs. Food) , which is in Shawnee, KS.  Jack Stack BBQ is awesome.  Smokehouse BBQ in Zona Rosa is good.  Any Gates BBQ chain restaurant is good.  Gates is a staple in KC.  Tell you what.  Zona Rosa may be your best bet for BBQ and bars.  It’s about 10 minutes south of the airport or a 20 minute drive from Arrowhead.  To get there from Arrowhead follow these directions:

I-70 West (towards downtown KC) to I-29/I-35 North

I-29/I-35 North and then stay on I-29 North when it splits from I-35.  I-29 N will go left and I-35 N will go right.  Stay on I-29 N.

I-29 North to Barry Road.  If you go left at the exit, Zona Rosa will be on your right after you go under the I-29 bridge.  If you go right on Barry Road, there’s lots of restaurants (Hooter’s, Chili’s, Applebee’s, etc)  Zona Rosa would be more fun.

Or if you want to hit the Power & Light district, there’s bars galore down there.  This is next to the Sprint Center in downtown KC.  It’s off of 13th Street.  The P&L is a pretty cool place.

thanks :)

Dani-Girl

I’m exhausted. Go Chiefs.

Well it’s turn to face the stars and stripes
It’s fighting back them butterflies
It’s call it in the air, alright
Yes sir, we want the ball

little bottles of liquor

Jackpot

Today a buddy told me he was upset I hadn’t called him – or at least sent a text message – to see if he was alright after tornadoes blew through his neighborhood last Friday.

He said he had received messages from all around the country, but nothing from me.

Tip of the Day: If there is a disaster – and you don’t want people to worry – post an update to your facebook page.

You know your friends watch the news – and most of them are on facebook – so you have two choices:

1. Keep everyone in the dark – have them send you text messages in a panic – and then reply to them individually when you have some free time.

- or -

2. Make a post from the iPhone you’re always bragging about, and let everyone know that you’re okay.

In his defense, he may have been too drunk to make a facebook update from his phone. I mean, it was Noon on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there.

I accepted his apology.

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2011:

  1. Lose enough weight before summer, so people at the pool don’t refer to me as “the old fat guy in sunglasses”
  2. Find the right Just For Men hair color, so people don’t refer to me as “the old fat guy with with the f’d up hair”
  3. Win the lottery
  4. Limit the number of sofas I go through to three.
  5. Never run out of toilet paper
  6. Use candles
  7. Don’t have flannel sheets on my bed in July
  8. Dust
  9. Get more people to listen to country music
  10. Shampoo the carpet in my living room
  11. Find a way to block Google from knowing my internet search habits
  12. Don’t use my online checking account as a way to accurately calculate my balance
  13. Change the oil in my car sooner than every 25,000 miles
  14. Un-follow people on Twitter that write in Ebonics
  15. Quit falling for those ‘make your penis larger’ emails
  16. Get a new cell phone with a battery-life that lasts longer than 20 minutes
  17. Tell customer service reps located overseas that I want to speak with someone in the United States
  18. Buy new socks
  19. Don’t be a snitch to my homies
  20. Be more polite

Happy New Year’s, bitches.

She’s got the backseat rhythm

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