Archive for February, 2011

Wanted: Good Woman and Tractor Sign

I have one thing to say to the NFL and the players’ union while they work on a new collective bargaining agreement – move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday night.

Most of the free world could care less about billionaires arguing with millionaires. Just work it out.

But the Monday after the Super Bowl is brutal. Change it.

Meanwhile, we have the teachers’ union in Wisconsin fighting with the state legislature.

Unions certainly have their place in the private sector because of competition and consumer choice. State governments, however, have no competition.

Econ 101 class concluded…

Back to Wisconsin: Democratic state senators have fled to Illinois to stall the vote. Teachers have been off the job for over a week. Doctors are roaming the crowd offering to write fake sick notes to protesters.

But Heaven help me if I call in sick the day after the Super Bowl.

And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor
We can go slow or make it go faster

Nudie Mags

Ever heard of the internet?

I’ve been pouring through stats and injury reports to determine the winner of this year’s Super Bowl. But none of that matters now that I’ve remembered an important key to the game – Ben Roethlisberger is a douche bag.

A few years ago a buddy of mine ran into him outside a bar. Big Ben and his entourage had surrounded my buddy’s girlfriend and a group of her friends while he was paying the bill.

When he walked outside, he could tell his girlfriend was uncomfortable. And when he tried to intervene, Big Ben asked “Do you know who I am?”

Yes, Big Ben, everyone knows who you are. You are the guy that was suspended by the NFL for the first four games of the season after allegations of sexual misconduct.

You are also a really creepy dude.

Final Score: Packers, 27-13

Super Bowl Prop Bets

What will be the Result of the Super Bowl XLV Coin Toss?
Heads: -105
Tails: -105
Pick: Tails

How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem? (Over/Under 1 minute 54 seconds)
Pick: Over

Player to score the first TD in the game:
Pick: Aaron Rodgers (12/1)

How many times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game? (Over/Under 2.5)
Pick: Over

What color with the Gatorade be for the post game Gatorade dump?
Yellow: 3/2
Clear/Water: 2/1
Orange: 3/1
Lime Green: 5/1
Blue: 10/1
Red: 15/2
Pick: Orange

CROSS SPORT PROPS – Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl and Milwaukee Brewers win on MLB Opening Day (3/31/11)?
Yes: +210
No: -270
Pick: Yes +210

No work and all play

Altered Computer Keyboard

Kahuku, HI, February 1, 1996:…On this day in history, I was staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore of Oahu with a girlfriend I affectionately called ‘Doggie Style.’ And by affectionately, I mean she had no idea that is what I called her to my friends.

The hotel was sweet. It’s the same place they filmed ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’ I’m not lying. Google it.

Anyway, we had spent the previous three days on the tourist-filled streets and beaches of Waikiki Beach, so the resort was a welcome change.

After we checked into the room, we went for a walk, and ended up in the woods along the golf course. I can’t explain what happened next other than we had outdoor sex. Twenty minutes later we were putting our clothes back on. And by twenty, I mean three.

As we walked back into civilization she noticed her legs were covered with red insect bites. I spotted a security guard and asked, “Are there mosquitoes in Hawaii?”

He pointed and replied, “The woods behind you are infested with them.”

I bought her a Skeeter Stik at the gift shop, but it didn’t seem to help with the itching. Then I told her the mosquitoes had bitten her because she has such sweet blood. She gave me a dirty look, and said I was being insensitive.

I went down to the bar and got drunk on Blue Hawaiians and Mai Tais.

That girl was moody.

I bought a ticket to the world
But now I’ve come back again

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