Archive for March, 2011

Perv Friend

I’m going to start a website to track drivers that piss me off – driversthatpissmeoff.com

The domain is available. I checked.

Once I get it, I’m going to post the license plate, make and model of cars that either (a) pull in front of me and then hit the brakes, or (b) refuse to let me in front of them when they see my blinker, or (c) drive in the fast lane until the last second and then cross three lanes to get onto an exit ramp.

The other day, I was talking with my mom while driving in rush hour traffic. And since I didn’t want to expose her to my road rage, I kept my profanity in check. The car horn was my only defense.

Just before we hung up, she said, “You’re going to wear that horn out.”

I had no idea my mom is Lindsay Wagner, The Bionic Woman.

You see kids, there was a show in the 70’s called The Bionic Man. Then there was a spin-off called The Bionic Woman. Never mind. Google it.

Just don’t do it when you’re in the car in front of me.

And in the morning I’m leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine

Turtle with a golf ball stuck in his butt

I like to laugh, but there are certain things I just don’t think are funny. That probably explains why I stopped listening to Howard Stern.

Twitter allows me to follow a lot of funny people. It has also exposed me to a legion of douche bags. I’ve read jokes about things like the Tucson shooting, Michael J. Fox and cancer.

Not funny.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m no saint. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve busted a gut listening to a few Stephen Lynch songs.

But my philosophy on humor is this – don’t make fun of people that are unable to defend themselves or better their situation.

Do you think people on Welfare turned their clocks forward Saturday night – or will they realize the time change when they wake up Monday afternoon and Judge Mathis isn’t on?

You turn me on, you lift me up

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