I was so bored after Family Guy ended last night – I watched some of the Oscars.

That made me even more bored, so I started thinking up porn movie titles based on the actual movies.

Basing a porn movie title from an actual film is nothing new. Examples include A Tale Of Two Titties, City of Anals, and Forrest Hump.

Here are the Nominees for Best Picture:

Avatwat
The Back Side
District 69
An Erectucation
The Squirt Locker
Inglourious Holes
Freshest
A Serious Can
Up (Note: I didn’t have to change this one)
Hump in the Air

And the winner is…The Squirt Locker.

I wanna get me a little oblivion, baby. And try to keep myself away from myself and me.

Okay, so we’re three weeks away from The Summer of Benny trip to California to visit King.

Here’s a list of SOB cast members making the trip: Me, Tom d G, Dani-girl, Abby, Maribeth.

But here’s the kicker – I wasn’t going until JB (a guy I’ve never met) was kind enough to use a free airline ticket on my drunk ass.

The only problem is I’m flying on a different airline than the others. Here’s my itinerary on the way out there:

Depart St. Louis (STL) at 6:30 AM
Arrive in Las Vegas (LAS) at 8:15 AM
Depart Las Vegas (LAS) at 10:55 AM
Arrive in Sacramento (SMF) at 12:30 PM

Dear JB,

Thanks again for the ticket. I wish I could have made it out there to party with you guys. But my 3-hour layover turned into three days.

And you never walk away from the table when you’re on a heater.

Benny

Now you swear and kick and beg us, that you’re not a gamblin’ man. Then you find you’re back in Vegas, with a handle in your hand.

Two weeks into Lent, and I’m still King of the County.

But I’m getting aroused by the strangest things. Check out Miss Butterworth’s looking all sexy inside my refrigerator door.

Tease.

Sometimes I wish they made a patch for this, but I would probably just rub it off.

Watching the Olympics didn’t help, either. Skating – Skiing – Snowboarding – they all had hot chicks competing. And don’t get me started on the Curling Cougar from Canada.

Meow.

How the hell did the athletes in Vancouver go through 100,000 free condoms, anyway?

They must not have any self-control.

When masturbation’s lost its fun, you’re fucking breaking.

Another conversation with Anonymous Buddy:

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
I found a great tip to help boost my brainpower.

BENNY
Okay.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
It said to brush your teeth with your left hand if you’re a righty. But I took it a step further.

BENNY
I think I know where this is going.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yep – I started using the other hand to jerk off – tried it out this afternoon.

BENNY
Seriously – what is wrong with you?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Nothing. But while you’re giving yourself up for Lent – I’ll be getting smarter – and you’ll be getting dumber.

BENNY
Yeah, I’m sure that was Bill Gate’s secret to success.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Don’t be condescending.

BENNY
That’s a pretty big word, Brainiac.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
See – it’s already working.

Great pickup line:

You: Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?

Her: Sorry, I have a boyfriend.

You: Really? I have a goldfish.

Her: What?

You: Oh sorry, I thought we were talking about shit that doesn’t matter.

I am the son and the heir – of nothing in particular.

I peed on it

I’ve decided to get serious about my diet, so I’ve eliminated all carbs after 2 PM. Then I piss on this little stick at night to make sure my body is in ketosis. That’s the medical term for not eating french fries.

FYI – If you call one morning, and I use the code word, “Snickers” – bring sugar – STAT.

Excerpt from a meeting:

MANAGER
Guys, we’ve been over this before, but you can’t use cell phones at your desks. This includes sending text messages.

BENNY
What about sexting?

MANAGER
Maybe we should call Cheryl Carpenter and ask her.

BENNY
Who’s that?

MANAGER
She’s in charge of HR.

BENNY
Don’t do that. Just give me her cell phone number, and I’ll kill two birds with one stone.

Black Betty with Epic Beard Man. NSFW

Bam-ba-Lam.

I guess I never realized this before, but I rarely have a conversation with King when we’re both sober. Here’s one from this morning.

KING
What you got going today, Benny Boy?

BENNY
Laundry.

KING
Got a little laundry on the agenda, huh?

BENNY
Yeah, but I’m out of dryer sheets, and I hate static cling. I guess I could use some fabric softener spray.

KING
You’re going to need the dryer sheets for static cling. You could use the fabric softener, but all it’s going to do is make your clothes smell nice.

BENNY
What are you – Martha Stewart?

KING
(Laughs) Nope. Just sober.

BENNY
Let’s talk later.

KING
Agreed.

At a red light in the sunshine. On a Sunday. Nothin’ to say. Don’t even try.

During this time of year I’m reminded that giving something up for Lent is not about making yourself suffer. It’s about giving something up for the benefit of your neighbor.

That’s why I’ve decided to abstain from playing a little five on one.

I’m sure my neighbor will appreciate 40 days of not hearing porn stars yelling where they want me to put it.

In return, I hope he gives up moving heavy pieces of furniture at 3 AM.

Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones. And the politicians throwing stones. Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.