Tomapalooza 2010 was memorable. Except for the fact I don’t remember much. I know there’s another keg left, though. And I can’t wait to see what’s inside.

I want to thank Tom for hosting his own birthday party. That was extremely generous.

But I’ll tell you this – I’ve never seen fear in someone’s face like I did when he thought I was passing out on his couch. Apparently it didn’t matter to him that I bruise easily.

Devo did a good job representing the West Coast SOBs. He’s earned cast member status.

Happy Birthday, Abby. I promise I won’t release the video of you dancing at Trainwreck.

Hey there, all you middle men
Throw away your fancy clothes
And while you’re out there sittin’ on a fence

I’m too worn out to recap the weekend. So this is a good time to release a video of our trip to California.

This was our third and final winery of the day in Napa Valley. Sierra challenged her boyfriend Kevin to a race. Kevin said he would marry her if she beat him. I’ve never seen two people try so hard to win.

Wild man’s world is cryin’ in pain
What you gonna do when everybody’s insane

Pull up your f’n pants!

This douche bag nearly ruined my weekend. Not only was I forced to look at his underwear on Sunday afternoon – he also bent over twice to expose his hairy ass crack.

WTF is wrong with these people that refuse to pull their pants up? I mean, am I just too old to get it?

No.

Bottom line…not pulling your pants up makes you look stupid.

And now you hookers and hoes know how I feel.

Yeah, we’re runnin’ a little bit hot tonight.

The weather forecast for Saturday and Sunday – 90 degrees and sunny.

I’ll tell you something, though – I could use a rainy weekend – because I am way behind on my spring cleaning.

Times are tough this summer, too. I had to decide between running the air-conditioner or the ice maker.

The ice maker won.

Have you ever had somebody un-friend you on facebook because of something you wrote on their wall?

Me neither.

Things that make me say WTF?

I have a buddy that is so technology-challenged I once caught him making a spreadsheet by drawing lines on a blank piece of paper.

Then the other day he sends me a vCard from his iPhone that uploaded directly into my contacts.

Story Time

Crowe Dog likes to eat Tom’s food.

Tom doesn’t like Crowe Dog to eat his food.

Crowe Dog hates hot sauce.

Tom now puts hot sauce on all of his food.

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Shouldn’t the arrows be pointing down?

Here’s an email I received today…

What’s up? You haven’t posted since June 22. Twitter doesn’t count, there are some of us out there that aren’t 13 year old girls. I thought texting was gay until Twitter came along, holy crap what a waste of time, and I don’t do Facebook since I am not a pedophile or a stalker.

- Anonymous

Okay, I know it’s been a while since the last post. Two weeks ago I was out of town for a family reunion. And I took a few more days off last week to enjoy the holiday weekend.

I learned a valuable lesson at my family reunion, though – You can ruin a 5-year old’s day by opening a Kool-Aid Jammer pouch the wrong way.

I mean, I didn’t know the straw was supposed to go straight down. I just shoved it through the other side. That got me a look from a little girl that melted my heart.

But not to worry. She showed me the proper way to open it, and gave me another chance later that day. I made sure I didn’t let her down again.

WTF happened to cans, anyway?

I have to go finish the movie script, now. It has to be completed tonight.

But remind me to tell you about the time I refused to take a pee pill at a buddy’s house – peed on his couch – and didn’t talk to him for over a month.

Never mind…I’ll remember.

Actually, that one might have to wait a while. I’m not sure enough time’s gone by for him to think it’s funny.

Update: I’ve been informed that I can never talk about this incident again.

Driving in to Darlington County
Me and Wayne on the Fourth of July

My day got off to a good start. I took out the trash before I left for work. You know, because I’m a neat freak.

But then I noticed my blue lunch bag was missing, so I turned around to see if I had accidentally tossed it into the dumpster.

Yep.

I figured a couple of pieces of chicken and a blue lunch bag weren’t a huge loss, so I left it.

When I got to work I realized my prescription glasses and phone charger were also in there.

WTF?

I mean, I don’t mind buying a new phone charger, but those Tommy Bahama frames were three bills. Thank you, flexible spending account.

I turned around, and ended up dumpster diving at 9 AM in my khakis and dress shirt.

I invented a fun game to play at work. If you have Instant Messaging, start up a conversation with Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy – email it to yourself – and then manipulate the conversation.

Here, let me show you an example.

Original

BENNY:
Pull the fire alarm

NICK BURNS:
Why would I do that… I could leave right now and nobody would notice

BENNY:
I can’t. I am micro-managed.

NICK BURNS:
exactly. so you can go pull the fire alarm

Then change the conversation, and email it to Nick Burns with a header that reads FW: Human Resources – Co-Worker Threat

Revised

NICK BURNS:
Why don’t you pull the fire alarm? I need to get out of this place.

BENNY:
Why? This is a great company to work for. And I love the customers.

NICK BURNS:
And that’s what makes you an idiot. Now pull the alarm or I will attack you in the parking lot.

You’ll be amazed at how fast your computer problems get fixed.

You know a man of my ability
He should be smokin’ on a big cigar
But till I get myself straight I guess I’ll just have to wait
In my rubber suit a-rubbin’ these cars

Waiting until 3:00 to pop the first one on Saturday paid off, as I was able to make it until the end of the pool party this year.

However, the party ended a little early thanks to the pole lease shutting down the band around 11:30.

They told everyone to leave the pool, or risk being arrested.

I’m not one to mess with the po-po, but I stood outside on the street for a while in hopes a patrol car would drive by. You know, to gain a little street cred.

That was the beer talking, because I might as well been wearing an “Arrest Me” sign on my back.

Thankfully none drove by.

And I didn’t wait until 3:00 to start on Sunday.

Somewhere out there on that horizon
Out beyond the neon lights
I know there must be somethin’ better
But there’s nowhere else in sight