Archive for the Daily Episodes Category

Three Bears

I renewed summerofbenny.com for another year. I also made just one New Year’s Resolution for 2012: Transfer my domain name to a company that doesn’t fuck me up the ass.

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I was dreaming when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray

crisper

November 15th is National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day. Well, I did, and found this little gem in my crisper.

I have no idea what it is, or how long it has been there.

But thanks to a beach-based cleanser and sponge my refrigerator is now clean. And apparently, mold-free.

I would like to apologize to Leo for taking so long between blog posts. I have been on Facebook and Twitter, but he refuses to accept social media as an interactive dialogue.

Yeah, I used Google to find a definition of social media.

I won’t bore you with a recap of the last three months. Nothing’s really changed. However, I am on very strict diet. I’ve switched from beer to bourbon.

Down 7 lbs…

Hey don’t you wanna go down
Like some junkie cosmonaut

King

If you know King, then you know he enjoys a good time. And if you ever go to a bar with him, there are three constants to keep in mind:

  1. You will drink
  2. You will eventually be asked to leave
  3. He will lose his debit card or cell phone; or both

Now normally I would answer a phone call from King. But I’ve been trying to stay off the sauce for a few weeks – and he has not – so when I heard his ringtone (Steve Miller Band – The Joker) blaring from my phone over the weekend, I didn’t deem it necessary to get of the couch and answer it.

Below is the transcript of the voice mail he left me.

August 6, 2011, 6:05 PM CT

Benny… (unintelligible)… I’m going to share with you a little… I don’t know how to call it here… but a little something my dad taught me… When I got into trouble and he would go to frickin’ smack me… or you know… give me a once over… and I would block him… he would always say, ‘You’re only delaying the inevitable. Put your hands down. Get over this knee. (unintelligible)… going to work you over’… The reason I share that story with you, Benny, is because I think that relates to me calling you… and you letting it ring off to voice mail… Just pick up the phone… You’re delaying the inevitable… Pick it up… I’m gonna give you the once over… and then I’ll stop calling… Instead you’re blocking and I’m going to keep swinging… AKA keep calling… (laughter)… (unintelligible)… I’ll call you back here in a little bit.

He called back 15 minutes later. I didn’t pick up.

Worked all week
Cleaned up, clean cut, and clean shaved
Got the cover off a ’68
I fired it up, and let them horses sing

TailGator

After the Good Friday Tornado swept through St. Louis last spring, a few friends got together to help move debris from Crowe Dog’s house.  And by debris, I mean trees.

I know I’ve written about our cleanup efforts previously, but I’ve yet to mention ‘The Chainsaw Incident of 2011’.

Here’s the short version.

Tom bought a chainsaw the day after the storm. The following week, Crowe Dog borrowed Tom’s truck. Later that same day, me and Crowe Dog went on a beer run in Tom’s truck. The chainsaw was in the back of the truck. When we got back to Crowe Dog’s, the chainsaw was no longer in the back of Tom’s truck.

The two of them have since reached a settlement. I stayed out of it. But I choose to break my silence now because I’ve found something to put closure on this subject once and for all.

Chainsaw is entered on August 5, 2011 at FAIRMOUNT PARK.

Race: 2 – 7:58 PM  Second Half Daily Double / Exacta / 50 Cent Trifecta (Minimum $2.00 Wager) $1.00 Pick 3 (Races 2-3-4)

MAIDEN CLAIMING $5,000

Purse: $ 4,000. For Maidens, Three Years Old And Upward. Three Year Olds, 116 Lbs.; Older, 124 Lbs. Claiming Price $5,000. One Mile.

And I think there’s something we can all agree on – a horse that’s been plodding along in Maiden Special Weight races and then shows early speed when moved to the Maiden Claiming ranks can be a great handicapping angle.

Update: Chainsaw finished 5th beaten by 32 1/4 lengths, on August 5, 2011, at FAIRMOUNT PARK in Race 2. Off odds: 2.20

One is one too many
One more is never enough

Du-Rag

I didn’t get to sleep until 3 AM last night. After the long 4th of July weekend, I guess my body didn’t recognize the need for rest without being passed out.

I made a list for my doctor’s appointment next week. Most of these involve some sort of pain and/or paranoia. They are in no particular order.

foot arches
underneath right rib cage
sun spots on arm
left boob
blood pressure readings
nut pain
prescriptions

I’m sure weight loss and alcohol reduction will also be discussed. They are usually on his list.

Favorite Tweet of the Week

@UNCLEMIKETWEETS If I could turn back time, I’d turn back to 1967, and void Cher’s recording contract.

And now I’m feelin’ better, ’cause I found out for sure
She took me to her doctor and he told me of a cure

Motor Scooter

So I’m sitting in the locker room today at the gym. I had just gotten there and wanted to send a quick text message. There was an older, fatter man sitting in the same section – naked.

“Put away that cell phone,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Cell phones aren’t allowed in the locker room. There’s a sign around the corner.”

Then he proceeded to walk his fat, wrinkly, naked ass around the corner to prove it. “Well, that’s not the sign, but it’s somewhere around here,” he grumbled.

“Do you find this offensive?” I asked, as I held up my cell phone.

“Actually, I do.”

“Really? You know what I find offensive? – Some dude talking to me while he’s naked.”

He shut up and got dressed. I put on my workout clothes, but not before I spent another couple of minutes on my cell phone.

Dick weed.

I repeat will, The Real Slim Shady please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here

Soiled Mattress

I noticed this mattress sitting on my neighbor’s patio the other night. I knew the girl that used to live there had moved out, so I was a little concerned about the new neighbors.

“Maybe they’re moving things around inside and needed the space,” someone said.

“Maybe,” I replied.

The following morning I ran into one of the Melrose Place staff.

Drink – I said staff.

“Who’s my new neighbor?” I asked.

“I’m not sure. Why?”

“Because they have a soiled mattress sitting on their patio.”

He looked outside, and realized what apartment I was talking about.

“Oh, that one. There’s no one living there right now. The girl that used to live there left that behind.”

“That’s her mattress?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“No reason.”

The world
And the world turns around

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