During this time of year I’m reminded that giving something up for Lent is not about making yourself suffer. It’s about giving something up for the benefit of your neighbor.

That’s why I’ve decided to abstain from playing a little five on one.

I’m sure my neighbor will appreciate 40 days of not hearing porn stars yelling where they want me to put it.

In return, I hope he gives up moving heavy pieces of furniture at 3 AM.

Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones. And the politicians throwing stones. Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.

I don’t have a lot of romantic Valentine’s Day stories. That’s because I usually try to break-up with girlfriends around birthdays and holidays.

Hey, don’t laugh. I’ve managed to save a ton of money over the years using this method. And by save, I mean blew at the track.

But one year in college I met this girl right before the lover’s holiday. She seemed normal. You know, except for the Rick Springfield posters plastered on every square inch of her dorm room wall.

Anyway, I invited her over for a VD dinner. I baked some pre-packaged chicken cordon bleu, complimented with two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20.

Classy.

What’s even better is I passed the entrée off as homemade, and poured the Mad Dog into an empty bottle of a more desirable wine. I think it was Riunite.

Don’t judge. Just let me finish. That’s what she said.

“I had no idea you were such a great cook,” she said during dinner.

“Oh, it was nothing, but thanks. More wine?”

“Yes, please. This wine is wonderful.”

I’m not going to say what was served for desert. But I’m glad I had added whipped cream to the shopping list.

Fast forward three days…

I was able to avoid contact by ignoring phone calls, and not going near her dorm.

I know – what a dick. Did I mention the Rick Springfield posters?

And then later that night – BAM! There she was – standing on my doorstep.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” she asked.

“Sure, come in.” I replied.

We walked into my bedroom where she began to cry.

“Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”

“I’ve been busy studying for a couple of tests, and working on a computer lab project.”

Liar, liar, penis on fire.

“Well, I need to tell you something,” she mumbled in between sobs.

“What is it?”

“I had a miscarriage.”

Okay, let me stop right here. I’m no vagina doctor, but I’m pretty sure women can’t get pregnant and then lose a baby – in 3 days!

In addition, I’m 99% certain my boys can’t swim. Either that or I’m the luckiest SOB to ever walk a college campus.

I just gave her a big hug, and told her I was sorry. And then I walked her crazy ass to the door.

What a whack job.

Hey, remind me to tell you about the time a chick shredded my Bon Jovi cassette tape into little pieces – and then threw it on my porch with an evil note.

Never mind. I’ll remember.

You need coolin’. Baby I’m not foolin’. I’m gonna send ya, back to schoolin’.

Shop at Sam’s Club much?

I want to thank Tom d G for hosting the Super Bowl Party this year – and for supplying the endless amount of vodka and Jaeger shots.

Needless to say, I didn’t pay close attention to the game. Shit, I had to get on the internet the next day to check the box score.

Drink – I said box.

Now we gear up for the trip to California in March to visit King’s crew. Developing…

I had dinner last night with a college buddy who was in town on business. It’s funny how people remember a story about you that you have no memory of ever happening.

“You going to drop acid on dead day again this year?” he asked.

“What are you talking about?” I replied.

“Don’t you remember the night before finals when you took a hit of acid in the back of that truck?”

“No, but that might explain why I couldn’t find my Economics class the next morning.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t acid. You might have eaten some mushrooms.”

“I’m pretty sure the type of hallucinogenic is irrelevant.”

“How did you do on that test?”

“Funny Bone has open mic nights on Tuesdays. You should come back into town and give it a try.”

Lysergic acid diethylamide is the scientific name for LSD. I learned that in chemistry lab. Wink.

You’re bringing up times I can’t recall. And I’m sure they made your point. But I just can’t seem to remember, yeah.

Got a little Admiral in you?

Every news program I watched today featured some chef or dietician explaining how you can still eat healthy at a Super Bowl party.

I don’t know what the big deal is. I eat like I’m at a Super Bowl party every day.

Oh, and the chefs try to make “cute” little references to football during their segments. Here’s how one ended her bit this morning.

FEMALE CHEF:
So when the big game is about to kickoff… (grabs plate of food and shows it to the camera). You’ll already be a winner.

Seriously.

I’ve been sick with the flu for a couple of days. A lot of women say that men become little babies when they’re sick. I don’t know if that’s true, or not. But I miss my mommy.

The live webcast from Tom d G’s will begin around 3:00 CST on Sunday.

Here are my Super Bowl picks.

What will be the result of the Coin Toss?
Heads (Coin Toss) -105
Tails (Coin Toss) -105

Pick: Tails
Tails never fails.

How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?
Clock starts as soon as Underwood sings first Note and Stops when she sings her last note.
Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds -150
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds +120

Pick: Over
And the home – of the – braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.

Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today’s annual Ad Meter?
Anheuser-Busch / Budweiser 5/7
Go Daddy.com 9/1
Career Builder 9/1
Coca-Cola 10/1
Family First 12/1
Doritos 12/5
Other 5/2

Pick: Doritos
Watch the little kid slap his momma’s new boyfriend.

What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
Lime Green 9/1
Yellow 20/23
Orange 11/2
Red 8/1
Blue 25/2
Clear/Water 37/20

Pick: Orange
Lock of the day

How Many Times will CBS announcers fully mention Hurricane Katrina during the game?
Wager is on the number of times announcers specifically say – Hurricane Katrina – during the Game (from kick off until final whistle).
Over 2½ (-210)o
Under 2½ (+170)u

Pick: Over
Like taking candy from a baby. This line should be at least 5.

How Many Times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the Game?
Wager is on the number of times Kim Kardashian will appear on TV during the Game (from kick off until final whistle). Live pictures only, Any Taped Pictures or Past Video does not count towards wager. Person must be in attendance for wager to have action.
Over 2½ (-130)o
Under 2½ (EVEN)u

Pick: Under
I’m just hoping they show the skank less than 2½ times.

Will a member of the Who smash a guitar on stage during the half time show?
Yes +115
No -145

Pick: Yes
Smash that mother fucker.

I won’t need to fight, to prove I’m right. I don’t need to be forgiven.

I broke down and ordered a DSL modem from AT&T, after being unsuccessful in my efforts to secure one on the free market.

It can’t get here soon enough because I’m on a 30-minute time limit on the computers at Melrose Place.

Here’s an excerpt from another conversation with Anonymous Buddy.

BENNY
You get naked today?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yep.

BENNY
Geez…you are sick.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
(laughs)

I read an article on STLtoday about the new casino wanting to rename a stretch of road in South County to “River City Casino Boulevard”.

I mentioned this to Mr. O, and told him I thought it was bad idea.”The casino is trying to buy their approval for $500,” I explained.

“What’s the big deal?” he asked.

“People have been living on those streets for decades. They raised their families there. And you think it’s okay to change the name to advertise a casino?”

“It’s just a street name.”

“Do you think $500 is a fair price?”

“I’d do it for a $50 casino chip.”

“What if you lived on a street, and some company wanted to change the name to Shit Turd Avenue?”

“Make it a hundred.”

Burning down love.

I finally made my beer run.

The car?

The hood latch worked fine on Saturday morning. This allowed me to diagnose the problem in the light of day. The battery was not dead. The cable was just loose.

Dumb ass.

The move?

I got done sometime on Sunday afternoon. Now the old place is clean, and the new one is a mess.

Lazy ass.

I have DSL service, but can’t find my old modem. I think I chucked it into the dumpster last year in a fit of rage. I need to get one soon because I’ve gone back to old Playboy mags to get my naked fix.

Sick ass.

A lot of people will say betting on the Pro Bowl is an indication you might have a gambling problem. Others will say the same thing about placing a bet on the NFL preseason schedule.

I think there are more tell-tell signs of a potential problem.

I know a guy that spent an entire Saturday a few years ago playing the ponies and betting sports on a gambling website.

When the games were winding down at night, he went into the online casino and played Roulette and cards for a few more hours.

And is if that wasn’t enough action, he bet the remaining balance in his account on an English Premiere soccer match before he went to bed.

He said the game would be over by the time he woke up the next morning. And he couldn’t wait to check the score.

Now, that guy might have a gambling problem.

Stupid Aston Villa.

I’m coming out of my cage. And I’ve been doing just fine.

Terrible Marketing

Let me recap a shitty day.

- Cell phone went dead because I brought the wrong cord

- Started to leave work at 6:00, and found out I was scheduled to stay until 7:30.

- 7:35: Discovered car battery was dead

- 7:36: Discovered cable to open hood was broken

- 7:37: Realized I was fucked – and cold

- 7:38: Walked back into office

I asked the security guard if he had any jumper cables. He said, “No” like I had just asked to borrow a hundred dollars.

Jack-off.

At this point I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had no cell phone, which meant I had no phone numbers.

But then something happened that restored my faith in humanity.

“You need a jump start?” the guy asked as I walked down the hallway.

“Yeah, but I can’t get the hood open,” I replied.

“Let me grab my coat, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Fifteen minutes later, I was driving home with the heater cranked.

I thought about making a beer stop, but didn’t want to risk the car not starting. That turned out to be a good move, because it sure as shit didn’t start back up when I got home.

Now I can add buying a new battery to my to-do list this weekend. Oh, and my cell phone isn’t turning on after charging for over an hour. So I’ll probably spend a few hours at the Sprint store.

That’s okay. I really didn’t have any other plans this weekend – except moving.

There is no other place I want to be.