Du-Rag

I didn’t get to sleep until 3 AM last night. After the long 4th of July weekend, I guess my body didn’t recognize the need for rest without being passed out.

I made a list for my doctor’s appointment next week. Most of these involve some sort of pain and/or paranoia. They are in no particular order.

foot arches
underneath right rib cage
sun spots on arm
left boob
blood pressure readings
nut pain
prescriptions

I’m sure weight loss and alcohol reduction will also be discussed. They are usually on his list.

Favorite Tweet of the Week

@UNCLEMIKETWEETS If I could turn back time, I’d turn back to 1967, and void Cher’s recording contract.

And now I’m feelin’ better, ’cause I found out for sure
She took me to her doctor and he told me of a cure

Motor Scooter

So I’m sitting in the locker room today at the gym. I had just gotten there and wanted to send a quick text message. There was an older, fatter man sitting in the same section – naked.

“Put away that cell phone,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Cell phones aren’t allowed in the locker room. There’s a sign around the corner.”

Then he proceeded to walk his fat, wrinkly, naked ass around the corner to prove it. “Well, that’s not the sign, but it’s somewhere around here,” he grumbled.

“Do you find this offensive?” I asked, as I held up my cell phone.

“Actually, I do.”

“Really? You know what I find offensive? – Some dude talking to me while he’s naked.”

He shut up and got dressed. I put on my workout clothes, but not before I spent another couple of minutes on my cell phone.

Dick weed.

I repeat will, The Real Slim Shady please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here

Soiled Mattress

I noticed this mattress sitting on my neighbor’s patio the other night. I knew the girl that used to live there had moved out, so I was a little concerned about the new neighbors.

“Maybe they’re moving things around inside and needed the space,” someone said.

“Maybe,” I replied.

The following morning I ran into one of the Melrose Place staff.

Drink – I said staff.

“Who’s my new neighbor?” I asked.

“I’m not sure. Why?”

“Because they have a soiled mattress sitting on their patio.”

He looked outside, and realized what apartment I was talking about.

“Oh, that one. There’s no one living there right now. The girl that used to live there left that behind.”

“That’s her mattress?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“No reason.”

The world
And the world turns around

Cherry Mash Candy Bar

Road Trip to Kansas City last weekend…

Friday
My buddy Wil E. Coyote let me ride shotgun as he had been in St. Louis all week, and can’t stand being alone. I cracked a cold one about halfway, and turned the radio to the Grateful Dead station on XM.

Wil E.’s not much of a Dead Head, but in 45 minutes we heard St. Stephen, Sugaree, Turn On Your Love Light, Ripple and Shakedown Street.

He would probably be a fan of their music today had it not been for the cicada loose in the car. I thought the horny insect would sit still while I nailed the last verse of Ripple – But it flew right into his head.

He pulled the car over, and we jumped out looking like a scene from Tommy Boy.

Later that night we met up with some college buddies, and repeated stories everyone has heard at least a dozen times. Still funny. Oh, and I fell in love with another bartender. Not sure yet, but this could be the one.

Saturday
I spent the day watching Lil’ Bro coach my nephew’s baseball team. He’s been the skipper since tee ball, and I’m always impressed at how the kids’ skills improve every year.

It seems like yesterday when I surprised my nephew by driving up to a game when he was probably 6 or 7 years old. As he rounded third base, I shouted his name. He stopped running – saw me standing there – and smiled and waved.

“Run home!” I shouted.

He gave me an ‘Oh, right’ look, and had to slide into home plate. He was safe because the kid can slide like Ricky Henderson. I just hope he never talks about himself in the third person. That’s a baseball reference.

RT @summerofbenny: “Kid, go play catch while I try to get to 3rd base with your mom.” – Things not to say at a little league baseball tournament.

Sunday
Lil’ Bro didn’t have a game, so he dropped me off at another ballpark where my buddy G-man was coaching in his daughter’s tournament. He was my ride home and their first game was at 9:30 AM.

“If we lose, we’re done and on the road,” he told me.

So I got there around 10:30 thinking I wouldn’t have to wait too long. But those crazy girls kept winning. We finally got on the road around 5:30 that evening.

Note: I haven’t had a beer since Friday, so I’m a little shaky. That’s an alcoholic reference.

Commentary
As a kid, you never realize how much time and money your parents invest in you. For years, my mom spent her Saturdays sitting on metal bleachers watching her boys play baseball. My dad was either the head coach or an assistant coach on most of our teams.

When you factor in the countless practices, and other sports we played, it’s truly amazing what they did for us. My dad has passed, but I think I’m going to tell my mom how much I appreciate them.

But I won’t do it here because if she ever read some of my stories, she would probably have me committed.

Just one thing I ask of you, just one thing for me
Please forget you know my name, my darling Sugaree

Tom Fister

Thursday morning I walked out in the rain to find my car had a flat tire. I put on the spare, and drove to a service station up the street. I told the lady attendant I wanted to drop off the tire, and pick it up the next day. She said they would be happy to patch it, and were open “6:30-4:00″ the next day.

So this morning I arrive at 6:40.

ME
Hi, I dropped off a tire yesterday, and I’m here to get it put back on my car.

ATTENDANT
We don’t open until 7:00.

ME
Uh, yesterday you told me you opened at 6:30.

ATTENDANT
Yes, we open at 6:30, but the mechanic doesn’t get her until 7.

ME
That’s like saying the gates at the track open at 11, but first post isn’t until 1: 30.

ATTENDANT
What?

ME
Nothing. I’ll wait.

Alright
We’re gettin’ funny in the back of my car
I’m sorry honey if I took you just a little too far, yes
Uh too too far

newspaper headline

The Preakness is this Saturday, but if you caught the last few minutes leading up to the Kentucky Derby, you witnessed a crime. Well, maybe not a crime, but at least reason #748 not to gamble.

One of the so-called experts, Mike Battaglia, correctly picked the winning horse – Animal Kingdom – as they were loading into the starting gate.

But here’s my issue – Mike Battaglia is the official morning line oddsmaker for the Kentucky Derby, and had the horse listed at 30-1.

So why is this a big deal? – Because a lot of people use the morning line to make their picks. When people see a horse at 30-1, they might eliminate the horse from contention. Meanwhile, winners get paid more money when the horse finishes first because fewer people bet on him.

Animal Kingdom eventually went off at 20-1 in the Derby. But I doubt backers would have enjoyed such a big payday if the morning line odds had been 5-1.

So who do I like in the Preakness? A nice day at the pool away from the races. And your mom.

There must be some mistake
I didn’t mean to let them
Take away my soul.
Am I too old, is it too late?

Storm Crew

It’s obviously been a while since I updated The SOB, so here’s a recap of what’s happened since the last post.

March 26th – Tom & Crowe Dog leave for Hawaii

March 30th – Crowe Dog falls in love in Hawaii (not with Tom)

April 1st – Drinking Club at my place after work. From this point forward, Drinking Club meetings will be referred to as ‘DC’.

April 3rd – Picked up Tom & Crowe Dog from airport

April 7th – DC

April 15th – DC

April 16th – Met Crowe Dog’s new girlfriend – went to party at George G’s – I wore my Letterman jacket from high school – kind of a snug fit.

April 17th – DC moved for the day to Crowe Dog’s. We opened the meeting with Mimosas – later switched to beer and grilled.

April 18th – Picked up Tom’s drunk ass at Trainwreck. He had flown in from Denver and felt it made more sense to drink than go home. DC held at his place after.

April 20th – DC

April 21st – Parties in the Plaza with Wile E. Coyote.

April 22nd – Tornadoes

April 23rd  – Tom bought a chainsaw, and we cut down the trees that crashed into Crowe Dog’s house while he was out of town. Local media started referring to the previous day as ‘The Good Friday Storm’ – but I’ll always call it ‘The I can’t believe Crowe Dog was out of town and we got stuck cleaning up his shit… Storm.’

April 25th – DC. D-bag neighbor complained about the amount of bass coming from the country music on my stereo – which there was none – but wow, he’s a grad student and had a paper due. It’s called a f’n library. Google it.

April 29th – Helped Crowe Dog cover the insulation in his basement with plastic. I ate Long John Silvers. That made me feel good about myself.

April 30th – 5k in the AM – then helped Crowe Dog move 27 pieces of sheetrock down to his basement. Trainwreck with him and Tom after – the young kids love their shots.

May 1st – DC (Sunday Funday) moved to Crowe Dog’s. I can’t wait for him to finish his basement so the DC meetings can go back to being held at my place – where they belong.

And I’m not missin’ a thing
Watchin’ the full moon crossin’ the range

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