Altered Computer Keyboard

Kahuku, HI, February 1, 1996:…On this day in history, I was staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore of Oahu with a girlfriend I affectionately called ‘Doggie Style.’ And by affectionately, I mean she had no idea that is what I called her to my friends.

The hotel was sweet. It’s the same place they filmed ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’ I’m not lying. Google it.

Anyway, we had spent the previous three days on the tourist-filled streets and beaches of Waikiki Beach, so the resort was a welcome change.

After we checked into the room, we went for a walk, and ended up in the woods along the golf course. I can’t explain what happened next other than we had outdoor sex. Twenty minutes later we were putting our clothes back on. And by twenty, I mean three.

As we walked back into civilization she noticed her legs were covered with red insect bites. I spotted a security guard and asked, “Are there mosquitoes in Hawaii?”

He pointed and replied, “The woods behind you are infested with them.”

I bought her a Skeeter Stik at the gift shop, but it didn’t seem to help with the itching. Then I told her the mosquitoes had bitten her because she has such sweet blood. She gave me a dirty look, and said I was being insensitive.

I went down to the bar and got drunk on Blue Hawaiians and Mai Tais.

That girl was moody.

I bought a ticket to the world
But now I’ve come back again

Empty Pizza Boxes

Why is America so fat?

I used my cell phone to record and upload my first video on YouTube. I call it The Summer of Benny – Cribs.

It’s my birthday, so I’m getting drunk tonight. Here’s how I spent some previous ones.

This Day in Benny History

1996: Flew to Honolulu with “Doggie-Style”

1997: Ice and snow storm – watched “Nutty Professor”

1998: Flew home from Vegas after Super Bowl

1999: Met Lil’ Bro at DFW Airport Hyatt

2001: Maui – Lunch at Hula Grill in Lahina, whale watching cruise, drinks at Cheeseburger in Paradise, dinner at Bubba Gumps (crab legs), drinks at Maui Brew House – bought weed from some dude on a bridge – drinks at Kimos – stopped at convenience store on cab ride back to hotel to get rolling papers – watched two chicks get it on in hot tub outside by pool

2002: Watched football – ate crab legs and filet mignon with “Drunkie-Drunk”

2003: Drinks after work with Jane

2005: Trainwreck and Margarita Mama’s with Jane, Nancy and others

2007: Fast Eddies – OTB at Mac’s Time Out Lounge

2008: Dog Parade in Soulard – Melrose Place pool after with Sheila and Cathy G. 59 degrees high temp

2009: Dinner and drinks at Ozzie’s with Chico and Maribeth – Snowed 6″.

Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?

Kermit
WTF? Seriously.

I swear I keep running into a girl that was a booty call of mine back in the 90’s. She gave me a look today like she knew me. If that’s her, at least her face cleared up. But I’m hoping it isn’t, because I sure didn’t treat her very well back then.

Chicks don’t forget that.

Ain’t Karma a bitch?

I found a friend on Facbeook a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t talked in ten years, and she asked for an abbreviated version of what I’ve been up to.

So here we go…

1999
January – Convention in Dallas
February – Convention in San Antonio
April – Spread dad’s ashes at his favorite fishin’ hole. Convention in Orlando.
May 1st – Drove to Louisville from Indy with Red and Niro for Kentucky Derby. Stupid horse.
May – Trip to Seattle. Golf. Went home and surprised mom on Mother’s Day.
June - Joined cycling club in Kirkwood. That was stupid.
July – Convention in Chicago. Cubs game. OTB. Dallas – Mesquite Rodeo with Lil’ Bro
August – R.E.M. concert at Riverport
September – Convention in Vegas. Golf. Won $4k on video poker. The rest of the trip is a blur. Took the red eye home on Saturday night. Drove to Arrowhead to meet Brenda (blind date). Skinny bitch.
December – Home for the holidays.

2000
New Year’s Day – Watched bowl games at Swing’s.
Jan 2nd – Watched Chiefs lose to Radiers 38-41 at Arrowhead Stadium. Season over.
Feb 4th – Got AOL.
Mar 3rd – Canceled AOL.
March – Convention in Hilton Head. Played Harbor Town. Swam in ocean with Tiffany.
May – Indy 500 with Red and Niro.
September – Convention in Traverse City, MI. Plane had an emergency landing out of Detroit. Damned near shit my pants. Played Big Bear. Went to Amarillo later in the month for birthday party roast.
October – Seattle to watch Chiefs beat Seahawks 24-19 at Husky Stadium.
December – Home for the holidays.

2001
January – Convention in Maui. Played Kapalua. Watched Super Bowl at bar in Lahina. Bought weed from some dude on a bridge.
February – Blind date with Jennifer. Made plans for the following week but she heard on Oprah that you should wait until the last minute to tell a guy “Yes.” When she called, I told her to “fuck off.”
March – Convention in New Orleans. Golf at English Turn. Got fluffed for the first time.
April – Won car on TV in Seinfeld contest.
May – Sold car won on TV. Met Drunkie Drunk.
June – Memphis with Drunkie Drunk
July – Went to NYC. Played the ponies at Belmont with Chuck the limo driver.
October- Let Drunkie Drunk move in. That was stupid.
December – Chiefs game at Arrowhead on the 23rd. Home for the holidays.

That’s it, I’m tired. We’ll have to finish later. That’s what she said.

Don’t you forget.

The Clinton Culinary Combo Kitchen Tool Set
The Clinton Culinary Combo Kitchen Tool Set

I hate having to remember so many passwords. I have seven just at work. They are all different, and they all have different requirements. 6-14 characters, upper/lower case, special characters like “!,@,#,$<%,^,&,*”…

Not to mention they have to be changed every “X” number of days.

But I came up with a good way to deal with the Help Desk whenever I forget a password. They usually ask a series of security questions like:

  1. What is your maternal mother’s name?
  2. What grade school did you attend?
  3. What was the name of your first dog?

But I noticed a new question a few months ago – “Who would you most like to meet?”

My answer? – “Your mom.”

This worked like a charm today when I had to deal with an IT woman in India.

“I need to ask you a few security questions,” she asked.

“No problem,” I replied.

“What was your first car?”

“A 1979 Chevy Monza. I lost my virginity in the back seat.”

“What?”

“Chevy Monza.”

“What was the name of your first dog?”

“Buttons.”

“Who would you most like to meet?”

“Your mom.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your mom. Just type it in.”

I heard a few keystrokes and then, “How can I help you today?”

This Day in Benny History

1995: Drove to KC

1997: PM – Walk/jog to YMCA, 2 circuits @ 12, walk/jog home, 2 Abs @ 15

1998: PM – YMCA – 5 min. Stairmaster, 15 min. cycle, 1 circuit @ 12, 5 min. cycle

2000: AM – 3 mi. walk/jog

2002: Kiah had surgery to remove tumor. She spent night at vet. And died a few months later. What a jip!

2001: Drove home from KC with Drunkie Drunk. She wanted to stop by a winery on the way home. Shocker.

2003: 3.5 mi. run

2004: Drank beers and Zimas with Mr. and Mrs. O. The night we ran out of beer.

2005: Red in town – lunch at Trainwreck. Night – TJ, Red, Niro (and kids), G-Man, Matt M at my place

2006: Pool in afternoon. Night – Bush stadium to watch Royals beat the Cards 7-6. Jake’s Leg at Broadway Oyster Bar after. Sweet.

2007: 6:30 AM – drove home from KC after spending Saturday night at cousin’s wedding

2008: Judge excused me from jury duty after deliberations began. Hang the bastard.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: Man, I can’t wait ta git out o’ werk taday. These people be trippin’.

Translation: I am ready to go home. The customers are getting on my nerves.

Things that make me say WTF?

Protesters marched in front of the Illinois State Capital yesterday holding signs that read, “Do your job! Raise taxes!”

Who in the shit wants their taxes raised?

Oh, probably people that have the time to march around the state capital on a Tuesday afternoon.

Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back.

Ground Zero for the Swine Flu
I think we found ground zero for the swine flu

I watched Obama’s news conference tonight. I can’t understand how he spends ten minutes telling the world the US is no longer using enhanced interrogation techniques – but never mentions the war on terror. 

That’s what gets me about liberals. They’re perfectly fine with partial birth abortions. But God help us if we hold Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s head underwater for a few seconds.

Chico finally made it home for the first time since Mr. O slept in his bed. And this is the first thing he said to me.

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This Day in Benny History

1996: Lunch-YMCA (20 min. stairmaster; 1 circuit @ 15; 60 sit-up mach ; 5 min. walk), PM-YMCA (45 min. walk/jog; 100 sit-up mach). 2-a-days – WTF?

1997: Lunch-3.7 mi. walk/jog 

1999: Drove to Indy to meet Red and Niro on the way to the Kentucky Derby. I had Cat Thief, Niro had Stephen Got Even, and Red had the mini-TV he bought at Wal-Mart. Charismatic won.

2003: 2.3 mi. walk/jog

2004: AM-abs; free weights, PM-3 mi. run. 2-a-days again?

2005: Boys are back in town the night before Kelly Golf Tournament – Niro, Mike S and Wil E. Coyote

2006: Kelly Golf Tournament with Niro, Josh H, Karla, Matt, Papa, G-Man and Timbo

2007: Day after Kelly Golf Tournament – slept

2008: Drove to KC

2009: Drank Jim Beam and wrote a post on the SOB

I’ll unleash my Kentucky Oaks picks tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll win.

Good use of Antlers 

There isn’t much time to write this morning because (a) I have to get ready for work and (b) I’m making a wish list for a sex toy party this weekend. Anyone know if they make a Jessica Alba blow-up doll?

That reminds me of a quick story. Tom and Crowe Dog stopped by my place a couple of months ago. CD noticed the new computer in my home office and asked, “Is that where you get all your work done?”

“No, that’s where I look at internet porn.”

“Really?” he replied.

Tom interrupted and said, “I wouldn’t touch that mouse.”

Here’s a joke I wrote the other day:

A woman runs into a girlfriend that just got back from Las Vegas. “How was your vacation?” she asks.

“Fine.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”

“Try telling that to my gynecologist.”

Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums – Ms. Westport and Abby’s Birthday.

This Day in Benny History:

1998: In KC to visit Dad in hospital

1999: Golf at Annbriar (103)

2003: PM – 2 mi. run

2004: Friends of Kids with Cancer 5K at Westport Plaza – Janae beat me be by 7 min. (show off)

2005: Watched football at Ozzie’s

2007: AM – 4 mi. walk / PM – Taco Tuesday at Casa with Gina Party

– Little girl buries her dead goldfish. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW

– After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy. Thanks, Tory K. 

- 1999 NY Times article warning about potential troubles with Fannie Mae. Thanks, Laura M.

So get down on your knees. And let me know you’re eager to please.

Gina Potty

Gina Potty 

Melrose Place is losing a couple of cast members.

My neighbor, Tory K., moved out last weekend and became a first-time home owner. I’m okay with his departure because we’ll see each other during football season, and he’s a stupid Broncos fan. I certainly won’t miss the disturbing sounds of porn from above.

But I’m concerned about his replacement being an Indian (Customer Support, not Casino.) If that happens, I’m going to fire up the ol’ smoker and the stench of curry will quickly be replaced with the savory scent of baby back ribs.

The shocking news came on Tuesday when Gina Party told me that she was moving. This was like a kick in the nuts because GP is one of my favorite people on the planet. While I’m happy for her being a new home owner, I’m concerned about the distance between us. Sure it’s only 10 miles or so, but that’s a $20 cab ride ($25 if you tip my new neighbor.)

But I promise you this – Gina Party will always be a part of the SOB. Negotiations are already underway for a webcam because there is no way I’m going months without seeing her boobies. Hell, as long as the thing isn’t dusty, she probably won’t even notice it’s there.

Get ready for Titty Tuesdays.

This Day in Benny History

1983: Heard infamous ‘Pine Tar’ call on radio

1995: 3 mile walk

1997: Flew to Las Vegas with Lisa Doggie Style

1998: Party at the Park (Fairmount Park)

2002: Drove Red to Pierre Marquette in AM

2003: 3 mile run

2004: Melrose Place Pool Party with Janers, G-Man and Mrs. O

- The butt sniffing dog.

- Referee shows up drunk for a soccer match.

I can’t sleep at night. I keep on dreaming you’re gone.

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