Why is America so fat?

I used my cell phone to record and upload my first video on YouTube. I call it The Summer of Benny – Cribs.

It’s my birthday, so I’m getting drunk tonight. Here’s how I spent some previous ones.

This Day in Benny History

1996: Flew to Honolulu with “Doggie-Style”

1997: Ice and snow storm – watched “Nutty Professor”

1998: Flew home from Vegas after Super Bowl

1999: Met Lil’ Bro at DFW Airport Hyatt

2001: Maui – Lunch at Hula Grill in Lahina, whale watching cruise, drinks at Cheeseburger in Paradise, dinner at Bubba Gumps (crab legs), drinks at Maui Brew House – bought weed from some dude on a bridge – drinks at Kimos – stopped at convenience store on cab ride back to hotel to get rolling papers – watched two chicks get it on in hot tub outside by pool

2002: Watched football – ate crab legs and filet mignon with “Drunkie-Drunk”

2003: Drinks after work with Jane

2005: Trainwreck and Margarita Mama’s with Jane, Nancy and others

2007: Fast Eddies – OTB at Mac’s Time Out Lounge

2008: Dog Parade in Soulard – Melrose Place pool after with Sheila and Cathy G. 59 degrees high temp

2009: Dinner and drinks at Ozzie’s with Chico and Maribeth – Snowed 6″.

Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?

WTF? Seriously.

I swear I keep running into a girl that was a booty call of mine back in the 90’s. She gave me a look today like she knew me. If that’s her, at least her face cleared up. But I’m hoping it isn’t, because I sure didn’t treat her very well back then.

Chicks don’t forget that.

Ain’t Karma a bitch?

I found a friend on Facbeook a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t talked in ten years, and she asked for an abbreviated version of what I’ve been up to.

So here we go…

1999
- January – Convention in Dallas
- February – Convention in San Antonio
- April – Spread dad’s ashes at his favorite fishin’ hole. Convention in Orlando.
- May 1st – Drove to Louisville from Indy with Red and Niro for Kentucky Derby. Stupid horse.
- May – Trip to Seattle. Golf. Went home and surprised mom on Mother’s Day.
- June - Joined cycling club in Kirkwood. That was stupid.
- July – Convention in Chicago. Cubs game. OTB. Dallas – Mesquite Rodeo with Lil’ Bro
- August – R.E.M. concert at Riverport
- September – Convention in Vegas. Golf. Won $4k on video poker. The rest of the trip is a blur. Took the red eye home on Saturday night. Drove to Arrowhead to meet Brenda (blind date). Skinny bitch.
- December – Home for the holidays.

2000
- New Year’s Day – Watched bowl games at Swing’s.
- Jan 2nd – Watched Chiefs lose to Radiers 38-41 at Arrowhead Stadium. Season over.
- Feb 4th – Got AOL.
- Mar 3rd – Canceled AOL.
- March – Convention in Hilton Head. Played Harbor Town. Swam in ocean with Tiffany.
- May – Indy 500 with Red and Niro.
- September – Convention in Traverse City, MI. Plane had an emergency landing out of Detroit. Damned near shit my pants. Played Big Bear. Went to Amarillo later in the month for birthday party roast.
- October – Seattle to watch Chiefs beat Seahawks 24-19 at Husky Stadium.
- December – Home for the holidays.

2001
- January – Convention in Maui. Played Kapalua. Watched Super Bowl at bar in Lahina. Bought weed from some dude on a bridge.
- February – Blind date with Jennifer. Made plans for the following week but she heard on Oprah that you should wait until the last minute to tell a guy “Yes.” When she called, I told her to “fuck off.”
- March – Convention in New Orleans. Golf at English Turn. Got fluffed for the first time.
- April – Won car on TV in Seinfeld contest.
- May – Sold car won on TV. Met Drunkie Drunk.
- June – Memphis with Drunkie Drunk
- July – Went to NYC. Played the ponies at Belmont with Chuck the limo driver.
- October- Let Drunkie Drunk move in. That was stupid.
- December – Chiefs game at Arrowhead on the 23rd. Home for the holidays.

That’s it, I’m tired. We’ll have to finish later. That’s what she said.

Don’t you forget.

The Clinton Culinary Combo Kitchen Tool Set

I hate having to remember so many passwords. I have seven just at work. They are all different, and they all have different requirements. 6-14 characters, upper/lower case, special characters like “!,@,#,$<%,^,&,*”…

Not to mention they have to be changed every “X” number of days.

But I came up with a good way to deal with the Help Desk whenever I forget a password. They usually ask a series of security questions like:

1. What is your maternal mother’s name?
2. What grade school did you attend?
3. What was the name of your first dog?

But I noticed a new question a few months ago – “Who would you most like to meet?”

My answer? – “Your mom.”

This worked like a charm today when I had to deal with an IT woman in India.

“I need to ask you a few security questions,” she asked.

“No problem,” I replied.

“What was your first car?”

“A 1979 Chevy Monza. I lost my virginity in the back seat.”

“What?”

“Chevy Monza.”

“What was the name of your first dog?”

“Buttons.”

“Who would you most like to meet?”

“Your mom.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your mom. Just type it in.”

I heard a few keystrokes and then, “How can I help you today?”

This Day in Benny History

1995: Drove to KC

1997: PM – Walk/jog to YMCA, 2 circuits @ 12, walk/jog home, 2 Abs @ 15

1998: PM – YMCA – 5 min. Stairmaster, 15 min. cycle, 1 circuit @ 12, 5 min. cycle

2000: AM – 3 mi. walk/jog

2002: Kiah had surgery to remove tumor. She spent night at vet. And died a few months later. What a jip!

2001: Drove home from KC with Drunkie Drunk. She wanted to stop by a winery on the way home. Shocker.

2003: 3.5 mi. run

2004: Drank beers and Zimas with Mr. and Mrs. O. The night we ran out of beer.

2005: Red in town – lunch at Trainwreck. Night – TJ, Red, Niro (and kids), G-Man, Matt M at my place

2006: Pool in afternoon. Night – Bush stadium to watch Royals beat the Cards 7-6. Jake’s Leg at Broadway Oyster Bar after. Sweet.

2007: 6:30 AM – drove home from KC after spending Saturday night at cousin’s wedding

2008: Judge excused me from jury duty after deliberations began. Hang the bastard.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: Man, I can’t wait ta git out o’ werk taday. These people be trippin’.

Translation: I am ready to go home. The customers are getting on my nerves.

Things that make we say WTF?

Protesters marched in front of the Illinois State Capital yesterday holding signs that read, “Do your job! Raise taxes!”

Who in the shit wants their taxes raised?

Oh, probably people that have the time to march around the state capital on a Tuesday afternoon.

 Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back.

I think we found ground zero for the swine flu

I watched Obama’s news conference tonight. I can’t understand how he spends ten minutes telling the world the US is no longer using enhanced interrogation techniques – but never mentions the war on terror. 

That’s what gets me about liberals. They’re perfectly fine with partial birth abortions. But God help us if we hold Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s head underwater for a few seconds.

Chico finally made it home for the first time since Mr. O slept in his bed. And this is the first thing he said to me.

This Day in Benny History

1996: Lunch-YMCA (20 min. stairmaster; 1 circuit @ 15; 60 sit-up mach ; 5 min. walk), PM-YMCA (45 min. walk/jog; 100 sit-up mach). 2-a-days – WTF?

1997: Lunch-3.7 mi. walk/jog 

1999: Drove to Indy to meet Red and Niro on the way to the Kentucky Derby. I had Cat Thief, Niro had Stephen Got Even, and Red had the mini-TV he bought at Wal-Mart. Charismatic won.

2003: 2.3 mi. walk/jog

2004: AM-abs; free weights, PM-3 mi. run. 2-a-days again?

2005: Boys are back in town the night before Kelly Golf Tournament – Niro, Mike S and Wil E. Coyote

2006: Kelly Golf Tournament with Niro, Josh H, Karla, Matt, Papa, G-Man and Timbo

2007: Day after Kelly Golf Tournament – slept

2008: Drove to KC

2009: Drank Jim Beam and wrote a post on the SOB

I’ll unleash my Kentucky Oaks picks tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll win.

There isn’t much time to write this morning because (a) I have to get ready for work and (b) I’m making a wish list for a sex toy party this weekend. Anyone know if they make a Jessica Alba blow-up doll?

That reminds me of a quick story. Tom and Crowe Dog stopped by my place a couple of months ago. CD noticed the new computer in my home office and asked, “Is that where you get all your work done?”

“No, that’s where I look at internet porn.”

“Really?” he replied.

Tom interrupted and said, “I wouldn’t touch that mouse.”

Here’s a joke I wrote the other day:

A woman runs into a girlfriend that just got back from Las Vegas. “How was your vacation?” she asks.

“Fine.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”

“Try telling that to my gynecologist.”

Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums – Ms. Westport and Abby’s Birthday.

This Day in Benny History:

1998: In KC to visit Dad in hospital

1999: Golf at Annbriar (103)

2003: PM – 2 mi. run

2004: Friends of Kids with Cancer 5K at Westport Plaza – Janae beat me be by 7 min. (show off)

2005: Watched football at Ozzie’s

2007: AM – 4 mi. walk / PM – Taco Tuesday at Casa with Gina Party

- Little girl buries her dead goldfish. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW

- After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy. Thanks, Tory K. 

- 1999 NY Times article warning about potential troubles with Fannie Mae. Thanks, Laura M.

So get down on your knees. And let me know you’re eager to please.

Gina Potty 

Melrose Place is losing a couple of cast members.

My neighbor, Tory K., moved out last weekend and became a first-time home owner. I’m okay with his departure because we’ll see each other during football season, and he’s a stupid Broncos fan. I certainly won’t miss the disturbing sounds of porn from above.

But I’m concerned about his replacement being an Indian (Customer Support, not Casino.) If that happens, I’m going to fire up the ol’ smoker and the stench of curry will quickly be replaced with the savory scent of baby back ribs.

The shocking news came on Tuesday when Gina Party told me that she was moving. This was like a kick in the nuts because GP is one of my favorite people on the planet. While I’m happy for her being a new home owner, I’m concerned about the distance between us. Sure it’s only 10 miles or so, but that’s a $20 cab ride ($25 if you tip my new neighbor.)

But I promise you this – Gina Party will always be a part of the SOB. Negotiations are already underway for a webcam because there is no way I’m going months without seeing her boobies. Hell, as long as the thing isn’t dusty, she probably won’t even notice it’s there.

Get ready for Titty Tuesdays.

This Day in Benny History

1983: Heard infamous ‘Pine Tar’ call on radio

1995: 3 mile walk

1997: Flew to Las Vegas with Lisa Doggie Style

1998: Party at the Park (Fairmount Park)

2002: Drove Red to Pierre Marquette in AM

2003: 3 mile run

2004: Melrose Place Pool Party with Janers, G-Man and Mrs. O

- The butt sniffing dog.

- Referee shows up drunk for a soccer match.

I can’t sleep at night. I keep on dreaming you’re gone.

The day was July 3, 1990, and I had an opportunity to alter my destiny. Five weeks earlier, I had won a preliminary stand-up comedy contest and the final competition was being held the night before Independence Day.

I had never done any stand-up before, but some friends convinced me to give it a try. I wrote down five minutes of comedy and advanced to the finals on my first attempt. Keep in mind that several weeks had passed between the prelim and the finals, and I had made no attempt to memorize the jokes I had written.

I left work early on the day of the show and headed to the race track. I thought drinking a few cold ones while playing the ponies would calm my nerves. My girlfriend drove to the comedy club that night because I was already over the legal limit. The contestants drew numbers, and I was 6 of eight – plenty of time to down several bourbons.

When I took the stage, the lights hit me, the crowd stared, and I realized I was too drunk to speak. I somehow managed to slur a few jokes, but the emcee began giving signs that my time was up. I let a few expletives fly, and the microphone was shut off. I did the walk of shame through the crowd, stumbled outside to the parking lot, and passed out on the hood of my girlfriend’s car.

I woke up the next morning at the foot of her waterbed, curled up in a fetal position. My underwear was soaked, as was the bed – which I thought had sprung a leak. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one that had sprung a leak.

“Did I win?” I asked.

“Are you fu**king kidding me? she replied. Classy gal…

“I’ll take that as a no. By the way, your waterbed is leaking.”

Not only had I lost a chance to perform at a Chicago comedy club – which was the first place prize - I had wet the bed for the first time as an adult.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This Day in Benny History

1971: Jim Morrison dies

1990: Kicked off stage during a stand-up comedy contest. Wet the bed for the first time since completing potty training

2001: Lost job; golf at Annbriar

2003: Oceans of Fun with Lil’ Bro and family

2005: Cards game; Jake’s Leg at Fair St. Louis

2006: Vacation day; pool; saw Gina Party’s boobs for the first time

2007: Pool

- The Riverfront Times selected the SOB as the Local Blog O’ the Week in their July 3-9 issue. You’ll have to scroll down to find the plug.

Love me tonight for I may never see you again.