Gina Potty 

Melrose Place is losing a couple of cast members.

My neighbor, Tory K., moved out last weekend and became a first-time home owner. I’m okay with his departure because we’ll see each other during football season, and he’s a stupid Broncos fan. I certainly won’t miss the disturbing sounds of porn from above.

But I’m concerned about his replacement being an Indian (Customer Support, not Casino.) If that happens, I’m going to fire up the ol’ smoker and the stench of curry will quickly be replaced with the savory scent of baby back ribs.

The shocking news came on Tuesday when Gina Party told me that she was moving. This was like a kick in the nuts because GP is one of my favorite people on the planet. While I’m happy for her being a new home owner, I’m concerned about the distance between us. Sure it’s only 10 miles or so, but that’s a $20 cab ride ($25 if you tip my new neighbor.)

But I promise you this - Gina Party will always be a part of the SOB. Negotiations are already underway for a webcam because there is no way I’m going months without seeing her boobies. Hell, as long as the thing isn’t dusty, she probably won’t even notice it’s there.

Get ready for Titty Tuesdays.

This Day in Benny History

1983: Heard infamous ‘Pine Tar’ call on radio

1995: 3 mile walk

1997: Flew to Las Vegas with Lisa Doggie Style

1998: Party at the Park (Fairmount Park)

2002: Drove Red to Pierre Marquette in AM

2003: 3 mile run

2004: Melrose Place Pool Party with Janers, G-Man and Mrs. O

- The butt sniffing dog.

- Referee shows up drunk for a soccer match.

I can’t sleep at night. I keep on dreaming you’re gone.

The day was July 3, 1990, and I had an opportunity to alter my destiny. Five weeks earlier, I had won a preliminary stand-up comedy contest and the final competition was being held the night before Independence Day.

I had never done any stand-up before, but some friends convinced me to give it a try. I wrote down five minutes of comedy and advanced to the finals on my first attempt. Keep in mind that several weeks had passed between the prelim and the finals, and I had made no attempt to memorize the jokes I had written.

I left work early on the day of the show and headed to the race track. I thought drinking a few cold ones while playing the ponies would calm my nerves. My girlfriend drove to the comedy club that night because I was already over the legal limit. The contestants drew numbers, and I was 6 of eight - plenty of time to down several bourbons.

When I took the stage, the lights hit me, the crowd stared, and I realized I was too drunk to speak. I somehow managed to slur a few jokes, but the emcee began giving signs that my time was up. I let a few expletives fly, and the microphone was shut off. I did the walk of shame through the crowd, stumbled outside to the parking lot, and passed out on the hood of my girlfriend’s car.

I woke up the next morning at the foot of her waterbed, curled up in a fetal position. My underwear was soaked, as was the bed - which I thought had sprung a leak. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one that had sprung a leak.

“Did I win?” I asked.

“Are you fu**king kidding me? she replied. Classy gal…

“I’ll take that as a no. By the way, your waterbed is leaking.”

Not only had I lost a chance to perform at a Chicago comedy club - which was the first place prize - I had wet the bed for the first time as an adult.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This Day in Benny History

1971: Jim Morrison dies

1990: Kicked off stage during a stand-up comedy contest. Wet the bed for the first time since completing potty training

2001: Lost job; golf at Annbriar

2003: Oceans of Fun with Lil’ Bro and family

2005: Cards game; Jake’s Leg at Fair St. Louis

2006: Vacation day; pool; saw Gina Party’s boobs for the first time

2007: Pool

- The Riverfront Times selected the SOB as the Local Blog O’ the Week in their July 3-9 issue. You’ll have to scroll down to find the plug.

Love me tonight for I may never see you again.

Yeah, I’ll search the world over.

I realize it’s been a few days since the last post, but I’ve been busier than an NBA player on Father’s Day.

The SOB has officially gone global. Today’s picture is of reader John M. at a Euro 2008 match in Basel, Switzerland on June 15, 2008.

In addition, I’ve received the following pictures of SOBs and their shirts:

* John M. finishing the St. Louis Marathon
* TJ on a float trip in Indiana
* Slingen at Disney World
* Leo and Sheri in the garden
* Issac assuming the position at Lake of the Ozarks
* Dani-girl at Fast Eddie’s
* Freddie R., Chuck H., Kyle H. and Vance H. at Lowe’s Motor Speedway
* Some pervert who used it as a spooge towel

That last shirt was mine. I had an extra one lying around and got caught up in a moment. I plan on creating a photo page, minus the baby gravy, during the next rainy weekend. Until then, I’ll be getting crunk at the pool.

This Day in Benny History

1996: PM - YMCA - 10 min. bike/1 circuit at 12/too crowded - went home and drank some beers

1999: Weighed in at 196 lbs.

2001: Drove home from Memphis; ate at Taco John’s in Sikeston, MO.

2003: 5 mi. run

2004: Parties in the Plaza

2006: Ribs on the smoker at 6:30 AM; first beer at the pool an hour later. Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty concert at night - Mr. O. pissed on my foot while listening to Free Fallin’.

2007: Pool

Have you ever seen a guy whistling, and had a sudden urge to punch him in the face?

Me neither.

Some Swiss junkie in Turin ripped me off for my cash.

In 2001, I entered a contest put on by a local television station. The station had just acquired the rights to show reruns of Seinfeld, and the contest rules were simple - send a video tape of yourself reenacting a scene from the show, choosing the character you resemble most.

I reenacted the scene where George explains to Jerry that he got a massage from a man, and thinks it moved.

On April 24th, I received a call from the news anchor of the morning show. He said they were having a few of the contestants in the studio the following morning, and asked if I could make it. After I was assured there wouldn’t be any nudity involved, I agreed.

When I arrived, the security guard knew my name. I thought that was odd. He took me to the anchor’s office, who was on the air, and turned off the television. A few minutes later, a producer walked in to explain that she would be taking me to the studio shortly, but needed to put a microphone on me first. 

I suddenly realized there weren’t any other contestants present. They were going to give me the car on live television. I called everyone I could in the few minutes I had.

They handed me the keys to the new car, a Kia Rio, and I guess my on-air reaction was less enthusiastic than they had anticipated. When I walked out of the studio, the producer said, “You know, you could have shown a little more excitement.”

“It’s a Kia Rio. What did you want me to do - jump up and down and fart rainbows?” I asked.

She walked away, and I made some calls to make sure someone had hit the record button on their VCR. I still have the tape. Maybe some weekend when I’m not drinking myself into oblivion, I’ll convert the tape to digital format, and upload it to the SOB.

I sold the car a few weeks later to a Kia dealer. He had answered the ad I put in the paper - For Sale: 2001 Kia Rio, brand new, tunes and cubes, knee-deep in rubber.

This Day in Benny History

1995: PM - 20 min. Stairmaster, sit-ups

1996: Lunch - YMCA 100 sit-ups, 20 min. Stairmaster, 1 circuit at 15 ea, 5 min. walk on track

1998: Bet ponies at Delmar simulcast facility in San Diego

2000: Lunch - YMCA 24 min. bike, 2 circuits 12/10

2001: Won new car on television for Seinfeld Wanna Be Contest (Constanza)

2002: Played golf

2003: Grilled at G-Man’s (night before the Kelly golf tourney)

2006: 3 Circuits, 50 min. bike

2007: PM - 3 mi. walk/jog

People say I’m lazy, dreaming my life away.

After putting it off all week, I decided to clean the puke out of my carpet. Normally I would have used something mild like Woolite. But this was a dirty job, so I brought out the big gun: Goof Off - The Ultimate Remover.

This stuff is advertised to easily remove everything from dried paint chips to grease & tar. Well, it got the stain out alright. But now my place smells like a meth lab. I wanted to light a scented candle but was afraid it might cause an explosion.

This Day in Benny History

1935: First canned beer goes on sale

1998: John Mellencamp concert at Hard Rock Cafe in Vegas. ‘Twas the night before the Super Bowl…

2001: Played golf in Maui on Kapalua Plantation Course. Drank beer and shot 112.

2002: (AM) 20 min. bike, 20 min. Stairmaster, crunches & dips (PM) Crashed Chevy Blazer into pole in Chevy’s Fresh Mex parking lot.

- A bird poops in a reporter’s mouth.

- “High as Fu-k” music video. NSFW

- The fat kid on The Man Show sells Girl Scout Cookies. Thanks, Leo K.

- There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma. The Proper Way is: ‘Okla . . Homa’ (There’s a pause between the ‘a’ and the ‘h’.) Here’s the proof. Thanks, Mr. O.

Wanna tell you a story…’bout a woman I know.

I managed to make it through July 4th without beer, or any other type of alcohol for that matter. Amazing. This was not easy as my pool pals consumed three 30-packs of Natty Light on our country’s birthday. That’s 90 beers for those too hungover for math.

It wasn’t a bad day. I got some sun, and grilled in the afternoon. I was told by several people that my lack of patience was noticeable. I told them to keep their drunk-ass opinions to themselves.

July 4th in Benny History

1996: Fair St. Louis with Lisa. Watched fireworks from casino boat.

1997: Party in KC at Shannon’s house.

1999: Fireworks in Kirkwood with Paula.

2001: Fair St. Louis with Drunkie Drunk in afternoon. Fireworks in Kirkwood at night.

2002: Pool at condo.

2003: Pool party at Lil’ Bro’s. Got drunk. Last pool party Lil’ Bro has invited me to. 

2004: Pool party at Jane’s in afternoon. Fair St. Louis with Nancy in evening. Saw Wallflowers and Gin Blossoms underneath the Arch. Fireworks.

2005: Fireworks in Kirkwood with Red & Mark K. I’m not sure how I spent the day prior to the fireworks, but a safe bet is at the track.

2006: Pool. Then FP, Fast Eddie’s and Loading Dock with B-Unit & Crowe Dog.

2007 - Pool. Grilled. Sober.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman (1906-1998)

Benny

Daddy’s drunk. I’m so drunk that I’m thinking about not running spell check; just like Rosie does…

how r u
u r great
i m fat
the plnet is faling
idiot fat lesbo skank

Okay, I’m back.

This Day in Benny History

1995: 1 circuit; 2 sets each; sit-ups

1996: (AM) 30 min. Stairmaster (PM) 2 mile walk with Skipper (the dog); 90 sit-ups

1997: Suzie moved out. Had sex with Lisa (Suzie’s friend). Bet on Freehouse to win the Preakness. Watched Freehouse finish 2nd in the Preakness.

1999: Weighed 197 lbs.

2000: 3 mile walk/jog

2002: Vegas, baby…Moved from the Sahara to Rio with Drunkie Drunk (girlfriend). Bought her a Swedish massage so I could bet the Preakness. Lost. Drank margaritas at the pool.

2004: Got drunk at Parties in the Plaza

2005: Chest and Biceps

2006: Registered domain name for summerofbenny.com

2007: Got drunk at Parties in the Plaza

I’m a rolling thunder, a pouring rain. I’m comin’ on like a hurricane.

Benny