There isn’t much time to write this morning because (a) I have to get ready for work and (b) I’m making a wish list for a sex toy party this weekend. Anyone know if they make a Jessica Alba blow-up doll?
That reminds me of a quick story. Tom and Crowe Dog stopped by my place a couple of months ago. CD noticed the new computer in my home office and asked, “Is that where you get all your work done?”
“No, that’s where I look at internet porn.”
“Really?” he replied.
Tom interrupted and said, “I wouldn’t touch that mouse.”
Here’s a joke I wrote the other day:
A woman runs into a girlfriend that just got back from Las Vegas. “How was your vacation?” she asks.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”
“Try telling that to my gynecologist.”
Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums – Ms. Westport and Abby’s Birthday.
This Day in Benny History:
1998: In KC to visit Dad in hospital
1999: Golf at Annbriar (103)
2003: PM – 2 mi. run
2004: Friends of Kids with Cancer 5K at Westport Plaza – Janae beat me be by 7 min. (show off)
2005: Watched football at Ozzie’s
2007: AM – 4 mi. walk / PM – Taco Tuesday at Casa with Gina Party
Today’s blog title is courtesy of Gina Party. This song was playing on the radio today while we were on the phone. She was convinced it was sung by 38 Special. I was thinking more along the lines of Corey Hart. She was right. I was wrong. Besides, I owe her a few props. She’s been letting me sleep in her house after I consumed a lot of barley drinks. That’s like handing a match to the Unabomber.
And I haven’t even mentioned that she let me use her washer and dryer to wash my bed sheets and blankets last weekend. It wouldn’t surprise me if she took Monday off and spent the day scrubbing her laundry room in a hazmat suit.
Joke of the Day
A father walks into his teenage son’s room and catches him masturbating. “You better quit that,” the dad tells his son.
“Why?” the son asks.
“Because you’ll go blind.”
The son waves his arms and says, “Dad, I’m over here.”
When does American Idol end? I still watch it, but not because of the contestant performances or musical guests. I enjoy watching someone get booted off, and then forced to sing a song in tears. Okay, the numb nut kicked off tonight didn’t cry, but he butchered a Bob Marley song. And that made me cry.
This is the same reason I watch figure skating during the Winter Olympics. Inevitably, some poor girl blows a triple axle and winds up on her ass. But she shouldn’t be sad or upset. She practiced for years, did her best, and her ass is usually pretty sweet once she gets up from the ice.
That’s not the sign.
It was when I was banging!
How to Spend Your Stimulus Check
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $300 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan … and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.
Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.
Thanks, Mr. O.
Man’s Best Friend
A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
The SOB drinking season traditionally runs from May through October. I’m not saying we don’t spend an occasional night during the off-season tossing down cold ones. We do. We’re just not in shape for two-a-days yet.
Stupidity Tax Offense: When discussing the issue of race, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple.” Cha Ching! $10.
Why is this a taxable offense? – Because purple people don’t exist. If they did, Crowe Dog would finally be at peace with his roots.
Two different magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and EBONY/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?” The results were interesting, to say the least…
What are my viewing choices tonight without cable? – Clash of the Choirs or racist Bryant Gumbel’s play-by-play call of the Steelers/Rams game. I guess the NFL network allows local stations to air the game if their team is playing. I’m opting for internet porn instead.
If you ever want to play a drinking game in the morning, watch Harry Smith interview someone on CBS’ The Early Show. Take a shot of liquor every time he says, “Right.” You’ll be hammered by 9 AM.
A traveling salesman knocks on a door. A five-year-old answers smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. The salesman asks, “Excuse me, son, are your parents home?” The kid says, “What do you f*cking think?”