They never hassle their own kind.

When does American Idol end? I still watch it, but not because of the contestant performances or musical guests. I enjoy watching someone get booted off, and then forced to sing a song in tears. Okay, the numb nut kicked off tonight didn’t cry, but he butchered a Bob Marley song. And that made me cry.

This is the same reason I watch figure skating during the Winter Olympics. Inevitably, some poor girl blows a triple axle and winds up on her ass. But she shouldn’t be sad or upset. She practiced for years, did her best, and her ass is usually pretty sweet once she gets up from the ice.

That’s not the sign.

It was when I was banging!

How to Spend Your Stimulus Check

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $300 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan … and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.

Thanks, Mr. O.

Man’s Best Friend

A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Thanks, John M.

- If celebs moved to Oklahoma. Thanks, X-Man.

- How did this personalized license plate get approved? Thanks, Mr. O.

- A good reason to call off the wedding. Thanks, Sheila E.

- Lee Elia rants about Cubs fans in 1983. Thanks, TJ and Lil’ Bro. NSFW

So where is the passion when you need it the most?

I finally got around to reading the SOB mailbag. Some of these are not safe for work.

Nominated as the World’s Best Short Joke of 2007 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

Thanks, Sheila E.

Clinton Joke

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time, and thinks she’s in love.

Hillary said, “You didn’t have sex, did you?”

Chelsea said, “Not according to Dad.”

Thanks, Tory K.

- Dani-girl uploaded pictures from the Cardinals game last weekend.

- This guy thought he had a great tattoo… until he went to jail. Thanks, Tom. NSFW

- Friends come and go. Thanks, Doug O.

- Best DUI ever from Reno 911! Thanks, Freddie R.

- How to tell if your date is bored. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW 

- Proper ways to serve a man a drink. Thanks, Mr. O. NSFW

- I saw the first sign of spring today. Those open-toed shoes are a dead giveaway. Thanks, Leo K. NSFW

I’ll tell you this… No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

“Park the car.”

The SOB drinking season traditionally runs from May through October. I’m not saying we don’t spend an occasional night during the off-season tossing down cold ones. We do. We’re just not in shape for two-a-days yet. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: When discussing the issue of race, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple.” Cha Ching! $10.

Why is this a taxable offense? - Because purple people don’t exist. If they did, Crowe Dog would finally be at peace with his roots.

Two different magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and EBONY/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?” The results were interesting, to say the least…

Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness
3. Terminal illness/self

EBONY/Jet magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail

Thanks, Josh H.

- Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Crystal’s Birthday and St. Patrick’s Day 2008. 

- Would you like a smoke and a pancake? Thanks, Laurie S.

- Why NFL quarterbacks need to keep their names short. Thanks, Chuck H.

- Cribs: Barney on HIMYM. Thanks, King.

- Chimp tells a joke to the bartender. Thanks, Doug O. and Loverboy.

- Hillary Clinton describes her harrowing experience during a trip to Bosnia in 1996.

Have mercy.

What are my viewing choices tonight without cable? - Clash of the Choirs or racist Bryant Gumbel’s play-by-play call of the Steelers/Rams game. I guess the NFL network allows local stations to air the game if their team is playing. I’m opting for internet porn instead.

If you ever want to play a drinking game in the morning, watch Harry Smith interview someone on CBS’ The Early Show. Take a shot of liquor every time he says, ”Right.” You’ll be hammered by 9 AM.

Joke

A traveling salesman knocks on a door. A five-year-old answers smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. The salesman asks, “Excuse me, son, are your parents home?” The kid says, “What do you f*cking think?”

Thanks, Sheila E.

- Some guy critiques kid’s drawings. Thanks, Braz.

- SOB reader Tory gets his picture taken with Rudy Giuliani (far left).

- A lady describes what she saw to a television reporter. Classic. Thanks, Leo.

- If Santa answered his mail honestly - Thanks, TJ.

- The three stages of a man’s life. - Thanks, Red.

- A guy’s crazy listing on Craigslist. Thanks, Tom.

- It’s okay if your son wants to be a ballet dancer. Thanks, Ken B.

Kick off your Sunday shoes. Oowhee, Marie.

Benny

I almost went through an entire bottle of Lubriderm last night watching The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I should have gone to Tom’s to watch it on HD, but enjoyed the privacy.

We watched the Mizzou/OU debacle last Saturday at Tom’s house. Dan-girl, God love her, showed up during the third quarter, and started talking about purses. Purses! Things went from bad to worse when more pretty young girls showed up.

Hear me out… 

The sound on the television was muted, and replaced with Top 40 music. Actually, I’m not sure if it was Top 40 music. I just know I hadn’t heard any of the songs before, and couldn’t hear the game.

Oh well, when your team is losing by three touchdowns, it’s nice to have an assortment of jugs to look at. That’s why I recommend watching a big game at either Hooters or your local strip club. Just avoid wearing light-colored Khakis.

I’d like to give a shout-out to my primary care physician for refilling my Xanax prescription. Happy Holidays.

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

The Bra turns 100 this year. In a related story, Bill Clinton has been missing for three days trying to find the party.

- I’m not making fun of this guy, but he’s going to need more than Clearasil to fix this problem.

- Celebrate the holidays with your very own Festivus Pole. I find tinsel distracting. 

- I’ve got a bad case of diarrhea. Japanese people crack me up.

- Barf bags don’t work in zero gravity.

- Watch this guy try to film his dating ad.

- Hillary farts during debate.

Well, the other night I got invited to a party, but I stayed home instead. Just me and my pal Johnny Walker. And his brothers Blackie and Red.

Benny

My mom gave me a one of those cool lever pull wine openers when I was home last week. It also came with a foil cutter. I don’t think she realizes it, but that’s like handing a razor blade and straw to a cocaine addict. They’re going to find a way to use them. I’ve drank four bottles of Cabernet this week.

Would someone please arrest this douche bag already?

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Tom Cruise’s latest film, Lions for Lambs, which opposes the war in Iraq, flopped at the box office last weekend earning just $6.7 million. When asked about the disappointing turn-out, Cruise said, “I guess our advertising surge didn’t work.”

Tisket! Tasket, baby! A green and yellow basket. Sent a letter to my baby. On my way I passed it.

Benny

Mizzou is ranked #1 in the BCS, and are a win away from playing for the National Championship. What were those odds?

Chickie Poo is an OU alumna, and gave me a Sooner t-shirt last year as a gift. I usually turn it inside-out and wear it to the gym. However, it will be turned into a spooge towel if Missouri loses to Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship Saturday night. That or I’ll pee on it.

I made it back to the Lou at 10:00 Sunday morning because my ride, Matt M., wanted to leave KC at 7 AM. I felt like a million bucks getting up at 5:30 after spending the previous night getting hammered at Arrowhead. Thank goodness for SportsCenter because I didn’t remember the 2nd half. This lack of memory was made worse when Lil’ Bro told me later in the day that I spent the 4th quarter standing in his puke. WTF?

No worries though as we had a designated driver who was also a KU fan. The poor guy had to stay sober, and listen to our drunk asses talk about Mizzou’s big win on the way home.

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Duane “Dog” Chapman is trying to restore his reputation after recordings of him using the “N” word were made public earlier this month. Apparently, he is deeply concerned about the number of Chinese toys being recalled, and is writing a children’s book called, “How The Gooks Stole Christmas!”

I’ve never been too good with names, but I remember faces.

Benny