Crazy Mary
Good gravy, those things are huge.

Meet Crazy Mary. She’s a friend of Gina Party. Shocker. And for our enjoyment, she bought an SOB T-shirt – size small.

Holy Moses, smell the roses.

I’m writing a country and western song. It’s called I got a DUI on the way to get my IUD. I’m thinking either Gretchen Wilson or Tanya Tucker.

Seriously, I want to write this, so we need to find someone that can play the geetar.

Joke

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

The clerk is astonished. “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

“Lard ass.”

- Thanks, Tom d G.

Unclasp your bra, and set those puppies free. They’d look a whole lot better without that sweater, baby. I’m sure you’ll agree. 

Good use of Antlers 

There isn’t much time to write this morning because (a) I have to get ready for work and (b) I’m making a wish list for a sex toy party this weekend. Anyone know if they make a Jessica Alba blow-up doll?

That reminds me of a quick story. Tom and Crowe Dog stopped by my place a couple of months ago. CD noticed the new computer in my home office and asked, “Is that where you get all your work done?”

“No, that’s where I look at internet porn.”

“Really?” he replied.

Tom interrupted and said, “I wouldn’t touch that mouse.”

Here’s a joke I wrote the other day:

A woman runs into a girlfriend that just got back from Las Vegas. “How was your vacation?” she asks.

“Fine.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”

“Try telling that to my gynecologist.”

Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums – Ms. Westport and Abby’s Birthday.

This Day in Benny History:

1998: In KC to visit Dad in hospital

1999: Golf at Annbriar (103)

2003: PM – 2 mi. run

2004: Friends of Kids with Cancer 5K at Westport Plaza – Janae beat me be by 7 min. (show off)

2005: Watched football at Ozzie’s

2007: AM – 4 mi. walk / PM – Taco Tuesday at Casa with Gina Party

- Little girl buries her dead goldfish. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW

- After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy. Thanks, Tory K. 

- 1999 NY Times article warning about potential troubles with Fannie Mae. Thanks, Laura M.

So get down on your knees. And let me know you’re eager to please.

Reservoir Dogs
Mr. Orange, Mr. White, and Mr. Pink

Today’s blog title is courtesy of Gina Party. This song was playing on the radio today while we were on the phone. She was convinced it was sung by 38 Special. I was thinking more along the lines of Corey Hart. She was right. I was wrong. Besides, I owe her a few props. She’s been letting me sleep in her house after I consumed a lot of barley drinks. That’s like handing a match to the Unabomber.

And I haven’t even mentioned that she let me use her washer and dryer to wash my bed sheets and blankets last weekend. It wouldn’t surprise me if she took Monday off and spent the day scrubbing her laundry room in a hazmat suit.

Joke of the Day

A father walks into his teenage son’s room and catches him masturbating. “You better quit that,” the dad tells his son.

“Why?” the son asks.

“Because you’ll go blind.”

The son waves his arms and says, “Dad, I’m over here.”

- Diddy: Lower oil prices so I can fly on private jet. What a douche. NSFW

Don’t say it’s over. I just can’t say goodbye.

Van Buren Street Sign 

They never hassle their own kind.

When does American Idol end? I still watch it, but not because of the contestant performances or musical guests. I enjoy watching someone get booted off, and then forced to sing a song in tears. Okay, the numb nut kicked off tonight didn’t cry, but he butchered a Bob Marley song. And that made me cry.

This is the same reason I watch figure skating during the Winter Olympics. Inevitably, some poor girl blows a triple axle and winds up on her ass. But she shouldn’t be sad or upset. She practiced for years, did her best, and her ass is usually pretty sweet once she gets up from the ice.

That’s not the sign.

It was when I was banging!

How to Spend Your Stimulus Check

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $300 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan … and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.

Thanks, Mr. O.

Man’s Best Friend

A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Thanks, John M.

- If celebs moved to Oklahoma. Thanks, X-Man.

- How did this personalized license plate get approved? Thanks, Mr. O.

- A good reason to call off the wedding. Thanks, Sheila E.

- Lee Elia rants about Cubs fans in 1983. Thanks, TJ and Lil’ Bro. NSFW

So where is the passion when you need it the most?

clippy 

I finally got around to reading the SOB mailbag. Some of these are not safe for work.

Nominated as the World’s Best Short Joke of 2007 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

Thanks, Sheila E.

Clinton Joke

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time, and thinks she’s in love.

Hillary said, “You didn’t have sex, did you?”

Chelsea said, “Not according to Dad.”

Thanks, Tory K.

- Dani-girl uploaded pictures from the Cardinals game last weekend.

- This guy thought he had a great tattoo… until he went to jail. Thanks, Tom. NSFW

- Friends come and go. Thanks, Doug O.

- Best DUI ever from Reno 911! Thanks, Freddie R.

- How to tell if your date is bored. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW 

- Proper ways to serve a man a drink. Thanks, Mr. O. NSFW

- I saw the first sign of spring today. Those open-toed shoes are a dead giveaway. Thanks, Leo K. NSFW

I’ll tell you this… No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

park the car 

“Park the car.”

The SOB drinking season traditionally runs from May through October. I’m not saying we don’t spend an occasional night during the off-season tossing down cold ones. We do. We’re just not in shape for two-a-days yet. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: When discussing the issue of race, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple.” Cha Ching! $10.

Why is this a taxable offense? - Because purple people don’t exist. If they did, Crowe Dog would finally be at peace with his roots.

Two different magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and EBONY/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?” The results were interesting, to say the least…

Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:

  1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
  2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness
  3. Terminal illness/self

EBONY/Jet magazine’s top three answers were:

  1. Ghosts
  2. Dogs
  3. Registered mail

Thanks, Josh H.

- Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Crystal’s Birthday and St. Patrick’s Day 2008

- Would you like a smoke and a pancake? Thanks, Laurie S.

- Why NFL quarterbacks need to keep their names short. Thanks, Chuck H.

- Cribs: Barney on HIMYM. Thanks, King.

- Chimp tells a joke to the bartender. Thanks, Doug O. and Loverboy.

- Hillary Clinton describes her harrowing experience during a trip to Bosnia in 1996.

Have mercy.

What are my viewing choices tonight without cable? – Clash of the Choirs or racist Bryant Gumbel’s play-by-play call of the Steelers/Rams game. I guess the NFL network allows local stations to air the game if their team is playing. I’m opting for internet porn instead.

If you ever want to play a drinking game in the morning, watch Harry Smith interview someone on CBS’ The Early Show. Take a shot of liquor every time he says, ”Right.” You’ll be hammered by 9 AM.

Joke

A traveling salesman knocks on a door. A five-year-old answers smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. The salesman asks, “Excuse me, son, are your parents home?” The kid says, “What do you f*cking think?”

Thanks, Sheila E.

- Some guy critiques kid’s drawings. Thanks, Braz.

- SOB reader Tory gets his picture taken with Rudy Giuliani (far left).

- A lady describes what she saw to a television reporter. Classic. Thanks, Leo.

- If Santa answered his mail honestly - Thanks, TJ.

- The three stages of a man’s life. – Thanks, Red.

- A guy’s crazy listing on Craigslist. Thanks, Tom.

- It’s okay if your son wants to be a ballet dancer. Thanks, Ken B.

Kick off your Sunday shoes. Oowhee, Marie.

Benny

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