My mom gave me a one of those cool lever pull wine openers when I was home last week. It also came with a foil cutter. I don’t think she realizes it, but that’s like handing a razor blade and straw to a cocaine addict. They’re going to find a way to use them. I’ve drank four bottles of Cabernet this week.

Would someone please arrest this douche bag already?

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Tom Cruise’s latest film, Lions for Lambs, which opposes the war in Iraq, flopped at the box office last weekend earning just $6.7 million. When asked about the disappointing turn-out, Cruise said, “I guess our advertising surge didn’t work.”

Tisket! Tasket, baby! A green and yellow basket. Sent a letter to my baby. On my way I passed it.

Benny

Mizzou is ranked #1 in the BCS, and are a win away from playing for the National Championship. What were those odds?

Chickie Poo is an OU alumna, and gave me a Sooner t-shirt last year as a gift. I usually turn it inside-out and wear it to the gym. However, it will be turned into a spooge towel if Missouri loses to Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship Saturday night. That or I’ll pee on it.

I made it back to the Lou at 10:00 Sunday morning because my ride, Matt M., wanted to leave KC at 7 AM. I felt like a million bucks getting up at 5:30 after spending the previous night getting hammered at Arrowhead. Thank goodness for SportsCenter because I didn’t remember the 2nd half. This lack of memory was made worse when Lil’ Bro told me later in the day that I spent the 4th quarter standing in his puke. WTF?

No worries though as we had a designated driver who was also a KU fan. The poor guy had to stay sober, and listen to our drunk asses talk about Mizzou’s big win on the way home.

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Duane “Dog” Chapman is trying to restore his reputation after recordings of him using the “N” word were made public earlier this month. Apparently, he is deeply concerned about the number of Chinese toys being recalled, and is writing a children’s book called, “How The Gooks Stole Christmas!”

I’ve never been too good with names, but I remember faces.

Benny

The new law banning saggy pants got me thinking. Why do we need a law telling young men that it’s not appropriate to wear their jeans halfway down their asses? I didn’t need a law when I was growing up. I had my dad. If he would have seen me showing my boxers to the world, he would have told me one time to pull my pants up. And I guarantee you that I would have pulled them up.

During my freshman year in college, I thought it would be cool to get an earring. I told my dad about it the day before I came home for Thanksgiving. He told me that it better be gone when I got to the house. I initially balked at his threat, but stopped short of the front door, and took it out. Better safe than sorry.

I put it back in on the drive back to school though. That piece of jewelry got me a lot of tail back in the day.

I saw a lot of saggy pants on the Soul Train this summer. On probably a half dozen occasions, one of these idiots started rapping out loud once they got onboard. Some wore headphones, while others chose an a cappella approach to their hip-hop rhymes. It was like some kind of mating call. And believe me; the beotches were getting hot in therre.

The next time I ride the train, I’m going to stand in front of everyone, and belt out a country tune. “Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots. And ruined your black tie affair.”

Black Tie Affair - He was one hell of a racehorse.

Have you ever challenged Gina Party to an arm wrestling match and lost? 

Me neither. 

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Today in San Francisco, a federal grand jury indicted Barry Bonds on perjury and obstruction of justice. The indictment stems from his 2003 testimony where he said that he never knowingly took steroids. A spokesperson for Bonds said that he was so upset after hearing the news, he felt like his head was going to explode.

- Chinese honeymoon joke. - Thanks, Dani-girl.

- This kid does a great impersonation of George Bush discussing global warming. Thanks, Tom K.

I’m not big on social graces. Think I’ll slip on down to the oasis.

Benny

Over the weekend, I was reminded of Veterans Day, 1990. Derrick Thomas of the Kansas City Chiefs set the NFL record for most sacks in a game (7). I wasn’t at Arrowhead Stadium that day though. Instead, I was across the river at the dog track trying to find mid-track closers for my quinella boxes.

I followed the game on TV in between races, and watched ”DT” almost make his eighth sack on the last play of the game. Seattle Seahawk QB, Dave Krieg, eluded his grasp, and completed a Hail Mary pass to beat the Chiefs. I shrugged my shoulders in disgust, got a beer, and turned my attention back to the racing program.

My first and last grocery trip to Aldi happened on Saturday. I’ve always heard how cheap their prices are, but no one told me that I needed to bring my own grocery bags. WTF?

Balancing the pot pies and frozen pizzas in my arms on the way to the car, I noticed an Entenmanns’s bakery outlet store. “Who the fu-k shops there?” I wondered to myself.

I’ll tell you who - Crowe Dog. I knew our buddy was at home recovering from surgery while his parents uncovered his Playboy collection, so I brought him a cheese strudel.

He was all hopped-up on painkillers when I got there. We started talking about Veterans Day, but I left after trying to convince him that skipping a meal wasn’t considered the ultimate sacrifice.

“Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?”

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

The City of Pine Lawn, MO, a suburb of St. Louis, just passed a new ordinance banning saggy pants. If your pants are not pulled up, you will be slapped with a $100 fine. In a related story, you can no longer find a plumber in Pine Lawn, MO.

- How I spent the day.

Man, living at home is such a drag. Now your mom threw away your best porno mag.

Benny

I recently found a picture of Becky, the girl I lost my virginity to in high school. I’m not sure if it was her senior picture or what, but it sure brought back memories. Like the time I tried to talk her into a blow j*b the same day she had her wisdom teeth pulled. Good times.

It looks like this may be the last week of new television episodes for a while. As long as the writers are on strike, the networks will be feeding us a helping heap of reruns and reality shows.

I hate reality television. The only one I currently watch is The Biggest Loser. I don’t watch it religiously, but it’s the only one I can relate to. I feel compassion for people who want to lose weight, but I can’t comprehend dumping a bunch of knuckleheads on a deserted island and watching them eat insects.

Why don’t the networks air lineups from years past? CBS Saturday nights in the 1970s: Bob Newhart, All in the Family, Mary Tyler Moore, and The Carol Burnett Show. Or NBC can hit us with their lineup from the 90s: Friends, Single Guy, Seinfeld, Caroline in the City, and ER.

Anything would be better than watching a couple of gay guys race a tandem bike race across Ireland. Seriously, it’s not that amazing.

Alright, I’m done…

Crowe Dog is at home recovering from the reconstructive knee surgery he had on Monday. Get well soon. I hope he doesn’t take this the wrong way, but I thought only athletes had that procedure.

Happy Birthday, Niro.

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Lindsay Lohan’s wrecked Mercedes Benz is being auctioned on eBay. This is the same convertible she crashed into a tree last May. The car comes with leather seats, power windows, and an ounce of blow.

- The founder of The Weather channel calls Global warming ‘Greatest Scam in History.’

- This guy isn’t exactly Lance Armstrong.

- Frank TV on TBS shows what a Seinfeld episode might look like in 2027.

I’ve got a court date coming this June. I’ll be driving soon.

Benny

Why is NBC telling me to be green whenever I watch their network this week?

The Today Show sends Ann Curry to Antarctica, Matt Lauer to Greenland, and Al Roker to some cloud forest in Ecuador. How much damaging carbon emissions did they produce flying these people to the ends of the earth in private jets?

I shouldn’t say they all flew in private jets because I don’t know. But I’m damn sure that American Airlines doesn’t offer daily non-stop flights to the South Pole.

How about this? - The next time you want to inform the American public about different places on our planet, contact the people and scientists already there, and conduct live interviews over the internet?

And don’t get me started carbon credits. He’s beboppin’ and scattin’, and I’m losin’ it!

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Michael Jackson appears on the December cover of Ebony magazine due on newsstands later this month. When asked about his noticeably whiter skin and straight hair, he replied, “That’s what the kids like these days.”

Dani-girl uploaded some new pictures.

Never get this drunk. - Thanks, Leo K.

She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son.

Benny

The writers in Hollywood are on strike for the first time in 19 years. Most late-night talk shows, including “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and “The Late Show with David Letterman,” will immediately start airing reruns.

To honor the picket lines, I will be writing a daily joke taken from the headlines until the strike ends.

SOB Late-Night Joke of the Day

Britney Spears’ new album, “Blackout,” will finish at No. 1 on the charts this week. She credits missing court dates and ignoring her children for the time needed to properly promote it.

Happy Belated Birthday, Dani-girl’s boobs.

I want to express my sincerest gratitude to Tom for inviting a few of us over to his house yesterday to watch the Patriots/Colts game. He passed out fifteen minutes after we arrived, so we ordered a pay-per-view porn movie on his cable account instead. 

“Naughty Housewives” didn’t live up to the hype, and certainly wasn’t worth the $12.99 he will be billed.

- This is quite possibly the best Halloween costume ever. Thanks, Braz, Chuck H. and Ken B.

- Here is a reason middle-aged women shouldn’t go to Mardi Gras. Thanks, Ken B.

- I guess I can add music videos along side rudeness and body odor to the reasons they annoy me.

I’m not that innocent.

Benny