As if things weren’t looking bad enough for Republicans in November, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson is campaigning for the GOP Senate candidate in Maryland.  That should help. 

What did Mike Tyson say when they put him into solitary confinement?
“Hey, where did everybody go?”  (The punch line is funnier if you say it in a Mike Tyson voice).

Major League Baseball struck a marketing deal that will allow certain team logos to appear on coffins and urns.  Now, Cub fans can keep their World Series drought intact; even in the afterlife.

Sports Illustrated has compiled a list of the best sports meltdowns of all-time. – Thanks, Dave B.

Happy 80th Birthday, Chuck Berry.  

Crown Valley Winery just released a new line of Chuck Berry Wines.  Nothing says “Class” more than sipping on a glass of Chuck BERRY BlackBERRY.

I’ve had the same wallet for more than 8 years.

New Stupidity Tax Offense:  “Is that decaffeinated coffee or high octane?” – Cha Ching – $10.

It’s colder than it looks outside.

Benny

Thanks, Dani-girl for today’s picture.  Is it just me, or does MF’er (far right) look like she’s up to something? 

I know most of the perverts that read this are familiar with terms such as Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, etc…  Until now, I’ve never heard them put into a song.  Enjoy.

Another example of things I see while working in the city; two gay guys holding hands, walking into a tattoo parlor.  I don’t want to know what they got or where they put it.

What happens when you mix 8,500 bottle rockets and lots of Miller High Life?  The Redneck Rocket Launcher. – Thanks Tom d G.

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a Southerner dies?  “Hey ya’ll, watch this.”

I loved a Southern girl once; no, twice.

Paris Hilton gets arrested on suspicion of DUI and Bob Dylan’s new album debuts at No. 1.  Great day.

But, I would not feel so all alone.  Everybody must get stoned.

Benny

My office.

I think the ladies at work are trying to tell me something.  Today, I noticed a spray can of air freshener in my bathroom.   

I went to the DMV yesterday and waited in line behind a Polish man who was applying for a driver’s license.  He walked over to the eye test and the DMV employee held up a card with the letters, ” C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.” 

“Can you read this?” the employee asked. 

“Read it?  Hell, I know the guy.”

Yeah, yeah, it’s an old one.  Thanks Tom d G for the email.

I know this girl, Sydney, who manages a popular restaurant in St. Louis.  Earlier this summer, the restaurant hosted a VIP Party for a local professional athlete.  She stopped by the table to make sure everything was alright, and as she walked away, the guy asked, “Do you know who I am?”

Sydney replied, “No.  I’m sorry, I don’t.” 

A few minutes went by, and then it hit her.  She rushed back to the table and said, “You’re the guy from the Imo’s commercials.”  Everyone at the table, except the athlete, erupted in laughter.

It was Tory Holt, wide receiver for the St. Louis Rams. What a douche.

Today’s  post is weak, I know.  All of my energy went into my fantasy football draft.

Lloyd, I need you to pack up all of my shit and throw it in a box.  I don’t care if you find a used condom, an executioner’s mask, and a spike paddle.  Just pack that bitch.  Chop Suey.

Benny

Thanks to everyone who has emailed audio or video files.  I admit my knowledge of website creation is a work in progress, but I will do my best to get them uploaded.  Drinking every night with Bob, Gina and Sheila has turned my learning curve into an oval.

Who is the President of Mexico?  Manuel Labor.  This is Issac’s joke; not mine.

Pictures have surfaced of Mel Gibson from his night of partying before the DUI arrest.  I hate when the Paparazzi follow me.  And by Paparazzi, I mean private investigators.

A story in Britain states that cell phones contain more bacteria than toilet seats.  I think I’m safe, though.  I’ve had my ear on a toilet but my ass has never touched a cell phone.

Over the weekend, a chick was complaining about the amount of dust that accumulates between two weeks of dusting.  I didn’t describe what it looks like after two months.

A theme park in London has called off a planned Muslim Fun Day.  Music, gambling, and alcohol were to be banned and several rides were to be segregated by sex.  This might explain the absence of Muslims at my Parish Picnic.

Rock the Casbah.

Benny

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife tells you to buy Viagra and a Jewish wife tells you to buy Pfizer.

I heard this one on the radio this morning – A guy looking for a job has never been a morning person. He finally receives a job offer and was told he could start at 8AM on Monday. He asked what time could he start on Tuesday.

If you see a husky man with a perfect head of hair digging through dumpsters for food, it’s just a friend of ours so flip him a few bucks. This way he can eat and still make his trip to Vegas in August.

I’ll be what I am.

Benny