Great…

I found a way to get your money’s worth at the Ameristar Sunday Brunch - eat a little food and then spend the next two hours guzzling champagne cocktails. And when you leave, don’t forget the complimentary peppermill.

Tom made it back safely from the Playboy Mansion. Although I did receive a text message on Sunday saying he lost his keys and wallet in the Grotto. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Have you ever seen a chick putting on lip gloss and asked, “Why don’t you put that on my yogurt slinger, and then you can kill two birds with one stone?”

Me neither.

- Psychiatric ward answering machine. Thanks, Lisa F.

- Catch and Chug at Wrigley Field.

- Michael Phelps is a bad sport.

I just want you to know who I am.

Rapper T.I. (never heard of him) will be working with a group called the Hip Hop Caucus as a main spokesman for this year’s “Respect My Vote!” campaign. The only problem is that T.I. can’t vote after pleading guilty to federal weapons charges earlier this year. WTF? 

But I’m taking a break from politics. Ever since the Cable Boycott of ‘07, my viewing choices have been limited. So I’m going to enjoy three weeks of Olympic coverage even if it means spending an evening watching rhythmic gymnastics. I think that’s the crap where people dance around with hoops and ribbons.

And by the way, why isn’t pole dancing an Olympic sport? If it was, Sierra from Sauget would have to be one the favorites to bring home the gold.

- Jon Voight blasts Obama. Thanks, Tory K.

Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I can’t hear a word they’re sayin’…just drivin’ around in Jon Voight’s car…

- Get into the Olympic spirit by reliving a great moment from the 2000 games in Sydney.

- Using cell phones to make popcorn. Thanks, Freddie R.

- Remote control cooler. Thanks, Sheila E.

- Has anyone ever seen Terry from Reno 911! and Crowe Dog in the same place? Me neither.

Dancin’ down on Sunset Strip.

R.I.P., PAP

I went to my first Parties at the Plaza of the year last week. For those not familiar with St. Louis, PAP is held every 3rd Thursday of the month between April and September. It’s always been a great place to have a few pops outdoors and listen to live music.

This month’s entertainment was a hip-hop group, and I still can’t name a single song they played. And by played, I mean screamed into a microphone over music - mostly spun by a DJ.

I asked one of the chamber of commerce ladies if they ever listen to the acts before they book them. Because if they don’t - jot me down for next April. Crowe Dog can sing show tunes, and I’ll occasionally jump on stage and yell, “How you doing out there St. Louis!”

She finally admitted that she hadn’t seen them perform before, but knew they were a hip-hop group. Hip-hop? I’ve been going to PAP for years, and it’s more of a 3 Doors Down crowd than Three 6 Mafia.

Whatever.

Our Silver and Gold Party on Sunday was a good time. I vaguely remember a couple of stripper-looking chicks walking in with bleach blonde hair, big fake boobs and high heels. Someone asked if they lived at Melrose Place. I responded by telling them to mind their own business because chicks that look like that are welcome at the pool anytime.

Have you ever been asked by a neighbor to close your curtains if you’re going to walk around naked?

Me neither.

Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums. I’m still waiting for pictures from Abby’s night out last Friday. I heard a few of them feature lipstick imprints on her left cheek - and I’m not talking about her face.

But I knew I was out of luck. The day the music died.

I will not be attending the annual Melrose Place pool party tonight because I’m headed out of town for a family reunion. But I hope someone gets drunker than I did last year, so I can quit hearing about it.

Please take some time and vote for Dani-girl for Ms. Westport. Click on the Vote for Ms. Westport tab - she is contestant 5 of 22 (Danielle H.) You will need to register your email. I’ll find a better way to link to the voting site when I get back.

Have you ever passed out on the floor because you were tired of pissing on your furniture?

Me neither.

- This chick must be a big hoops fan.

- The website is down. NSFW

Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow. Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long.

Yeah, I’ll search the world over.

I realize it’s been a few days since the last post, but I’ve been busier than an NBA player on Father’s Day.

The SOB has officially gone global. Today’s picture is of reader John M. at a Euro 2008 match in Basel, Switzerland on June 15, 2008.

In addition, I’ve received the following pictures of SOBs and their shirts:

* John M. finishing the St. Louis Marathon
* TJ on a float trip in Indiana
* Slingen at Disney World
* Leo and Sheri in the garden
* Issac assuming the position at Lake of the Ozarks
* Dani-girl at Fast Eddie’s
* Freddie R., Chuck H., Kyle H. and Vance H. at Lowe’s Motor Speedway
* Some pervert who used it as a spooge towel

That last shirt was mine. I had an extra one lying around and got caught up in a moment. I plan on creating a photo page, minus the baby gravy, during the next rainy weekend. Until then, I’ll be getting crunk at the pool.

This Day in Benny History

1996: PM - YMCA - 10 min. bike/1 circuit at 12/too crowded - went home and drank some beers

1999: Weighed in at 196 lbs.

2001: Drove home from Memphis; ate at Taco John’s in Sikeston, MO.

2003: 5 mi. run

2004: Parties in the Plaza

2006: Ribs on the smoker at 6:30 AM; first beer at the pool an hour later. Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty concert at night - Mr. O. pissed on my foot while listening to Free Fallin’.

2007: Pool

Have you ever seen a guy whistling, and had a sudden urge to punch him in the face?

Me neither.

Some Swiss junkie in Turin ripped me off for my cash.

Trimming the trees at Melrose Place

Good News: I will have an unobstructed view of the pool this summer.

Bad News: People at the pool will have an unobstructed view of me.

So, Tom called me on Sunday morning with a story. A female co-worker of his went to the Cardinals game on Saturday afternoon with Dani-girl, Abby and the rest of the chick click.

The regulars didn’t make it past ten o’clock, but the newcomer went to a bar with Tom and Crowe Dog. She managed another hour of partying before pulling three barstools together for a place to sleep.

They carried her outside and put her in the backseat of Tom’s car. When they returned a few hours later, they discovered the backseat was soaked. The girl had peed her pants.

Wait, it gets better.

Once home, they carried her into Tom’s guest bedroom. When he went to check on her the next morning, he discovered his bed was…wait for it…soaking wet.

Tom confronted her about the situation, and she said, “Hey, that’s what happens when you party with me. I drink too much, I pee the bed.”

“I need to introduce you to a buddy of mine. He takes pills for this,” he told her.

“They have pills for it?”

You’re welcome.

A lot of people started referring to this girl as my soul mate. But let me be completely clear about something. There can be only one bed wetter in a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll spend the entire next day arguing over who did it.

Happy Birthday, Tory K.

Congratulations to reader John M. for completing the St. Louis Marathon on Sunday. He ran the 26.2 miles wearing his SOB T-shirt.

Have you ever been giving a sales presentation in front of a group of strangers, one of which was a smoking hot chick with big boobs, and said, “At the end, we’ll have a brief T&A session”?

Me neither.

I just bought a water bed. It’s filled up for me and you.

I enjoyed watching the day games during the opening round of the NCAA basketball tournament last week. Not because I’m a huge hoops fan. I just like thinking about the housewife sitting down to watch her favorite soap operas only to find out it’s that time of the year again.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

Have you ever been thinking about rubbing one out when a religious commercial came on the TV telling you to accept Jesus?

Me neither. 

- It looks like King hasn’t changed much since moving to Cali. You want a shot at the title?

- Vote for Hillary. WTF?

- A drunk dude doesn’t like the band. I would have turned it on the French crowd.

Ah, take me with you, Jesus.