Making Stinky

I enjoy using Facebook and Twitter. They allow me to find people that annoy me – and then ignore them with the click of a mouse.

If you write things like…

Just had a pot pie. Yummmmmm!

-or-

Today was the BEST day EVER!!! :)

-0r-

Wtf r we voting 4 now?

-or-

pple i jus voted 4 whoeva u pple r umm hope u win cuz i voted n idk wat u plan on doing buh umm yea lol

…you are fingernails on the blackboard of my life.

SHIFT+Delete


Have you ever had a girl stick a finger up your butt, and then tell you later she’s missing a fake fingernail – which caused you to pull the car over, and use the Taco Bell napkins in your glove box to find it?

Me neither.


I am now
A central part
Of your mind’s landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I’ve made up your mind

Lil Chub Wrapper

The weather forecast for Saturday and Sunday – 90 degrees and sunny.

I’ll tell you something, though – I could use a rainy weekend – because I am way behind on my spring cleaning.

Times are tough this summer, too. I had to decide between running the air-conditioner or the ice maker.

The ice maker won.

Have you ever had somebody un-friend you on facebook because of something you wrote on their wall?

Me neither.

Things that make me say WTF?

I have a buddy that is so technology-challenged I once caught him making a spreadsheet by drawing lines on a blank piece of paper.

Then the other day he sends me a vCard from his iPhone that uploaded directly into my contacts.

Story Time

Crowe Dog likes to eat Tom’s food.

Tom doesn’t like Crowe Dog to eat his food.

Crowe Dog hates hot sauce.

Tom now puts hot sauce on all of his food.

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Manure Workshop

I got a few responses regarding the previous post. That was not a joke. That is the actual cover letter I’m uploading with my resume, now. I mean it. I officially give up trying to find a job via the internet. What a waste of time.

“So is your website.”

WTF did you just say?

Here is a typical conversation I have with my friends:

BENNY
What did you do all day – watch porn and whack off?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
No, I was too lazy to take off my clothes.

BENNY
WTF are you talking about? You get completely naked to masturbate?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yeah.

BENNY
What is wrong with you? Sometimes I’ll just lift it out the top of my shorts and get busy.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
That’s gross.

Do you ever wake up – turn on The Who’s Eminence Front – and walk around like you’re a rock star?

Me neither.

Here I am. On the road again. There I am. Up on the stage.

No Parking

Every Breeder’s Cup weekend, I’m reminded of how Frankie Dettori jacked me out of a big score in the 1998 Classic. I know everyone remembers the stretch drive of that race, but let me vent for a second.

I was having a good day. And then I let everything ride on a 6-1 shot named Swain.

Sure, the horse had only raced in Europe before being shipped to Woodbine. And I had never heard of his jockey, Frankie Dettori, either. But I can read a Racing Form.

At the 1/8 pole, I was on my way to the windows to collect – until I saw Dettori keep going to the left-handed whip – while his horse kept running to the right.

I haven’t ridden many horses in my life – but I think if your horse is running to the right – and you want him to turn left – you would use a right-handed whip.

But not Frankie – he kept hitting the horse on the left-side like he wanted something from the concession stand.

Swain finished third that day. And I left the track broker than a 1970’s child actor.

In case you’ve never seen it – here’s the stretch drive.

SOB’s 2009 Breeder’s Cup Picks:

Juvenile Turf
1. Becky’s Kitten
2. Buzzword
3. Interactif

Turf Sprint
1. Diamondrella
2. California Flag
3. Silver Timber

Sprint
1. Gayego
2. Zensational
4. Fleeting Spirit

Juvenile
1. Noble’s Promise
2. Aikenite
3. Lookin At Lucky

Mile
1. Justenuffhumor
2. Goldikova
3. Delegator

Dirt Mile
1. Chocolate Candy
2. Bullsbay
3. Mastercraftsman

Turf
1. Spanish Moon
2. Conduit
3. Dar Re Mi

Classic
1. Einstein
2. Summer Bird
3. Richard’s Kid

I made these picks for a friend heading to an OTB tomorrow. But, hey, if you have access to a wagering establishment, take a shot.

I would just shy away from the Frankie Dettori mounts.

Have you ever gone to get a haircut – noticed the only stylist available was the Indian woman that always hums Hindu songs in your ear – and then went home and cut your own hair?

Me neither.

The Rangers had a homecoming in Harlem late last night. And the Magic Rat drove his sleek machine over the Jersey state line.

Flip Flops
I blew out my flip flop

I lifted weights on Friday, and good gravy I’m sore. I’m not a personal trainer, or anything. Really? But I think you’re supposed to lift more than once every 3 months to make an impact.

Two self-promoting reminders:

  1. Vote for The Summer of Benny for Best Blog in St. Louis.
  2. Become a fan of the SOB on Facebook.

I dropped off Chuck H’s laptop tonight on the way home from work.

                         CHUCK H
You want to stay for a burger?

                         BENNY
No, thanks. I have to get home and make a post.

                         CHUCK H
On a Monday night, huh? It seems like you wrote more when you had a girlfriend.

                         BENNY
I had more material.

                         CHUCK H
You going to be here on the 29th for our cook-out?

                         BENNY
Yep.

                         CHUCK H
We’ll get started around 5:00, so pace yourself at the pool that day.

                         BENNY
Good luck with that.

Have you ever passed out on the floor next to your bed because you didn’t feel like washing the sheets the next morning?

Me neither.

I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.

Vegiie Tray with extra E. coli

This was my lunch today. I swear the broccoli contained E. coli, or something – because I spent the afternoon in the bathroom shittin’ like a hack horse.

I called Issac to meet for lunch but he had already eaten. Here’s our conversation over the Instant Messenger this afternoon. Keep in mind that Issac recently reminded me they monitor the IM.

                         ISSAC
How was lunch?

                         BENNY
Stupid. I think the broccoli was bad. I’ve been in the bathroom a few times.

                         ISSAC
Sounds like pretty good material for tonight’s post.

                         BENNY
I’m not familiar with anything you are talking about. Who is this?

                         ISSAC
Me neither.

Have you ever ran the dishes through a cycle without soap – because some of them needed to be rinsed off – and you didn’t feel like doing it?

Me neither.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “I be freezin’ up in herre.”

Translation: “I am cold.”

Stupidity Tax Offense: Changing your email font and color to some crazy shit that’s impossible to read. Cha Ching! – $10.

Work or not – I will not reply to an email written in cursive with a lilac background.

Well I love her. But I love the fish. I spend all day out on this lake. And hell is all I catch.

Girl sucking banana

The 135th Kentucky Oaks will be run on Friday. The Grade 1 race is the ‘Kentucky Derby’ for the ladies. And by ladies, I mean fillies. It’s held annually the day before the Derby.

But you already knew that.

This year’s race will be televised on Bravo with coverage beginning at 5:00 PM ET.

Shouldn’t it be on Lifetime?

Anyway, by buddy Niro asked me to study the past performances, and pick a winner for a friend of his that’s heading down to KY.

Drink – I said K-Y.

The overwhelming favorite will be Rachael Alexandra. But I refuse to take a horse that’s likely to go off at 1-5 or lower. I mean, who wants to brag about getting back $2.40 on a $2.00 wager?

Not me.

In what appears to be a fast early pace, Nan seems like a logical closer. Even though track might end up sloppy.

Yeah, I know all of her races, except a 9th place finish at Saratoga in August, have been run on synthetic surfaces or turf. But if this filly takes to the dirt at Churchill Downs, she’s got has a chance.

And consider this – Corey Nakatani was aboard her only win. He  rides her again today.

Drink – I said he rides her again.

SOB Picks for the 135th Kentucky Oaks

Win and Place wager on #7 – Nan

Exacta: 7/5,6

Trifecta 7/5,6/1

And, if you have a pretty decent bankroll, play #7 – Nan over “All” in the Oaks/Derby Double.

The bet will cost you a total of $40 for a $2 wager. But if Nan wins on Friday, you’ll be booking a trip to Mexico on Saturday morning.

Well, maybe not Mexico.

Have you ever dropped your car off for a state inspection and said to the mechanic, “If it doesn’t pass for any reason, just put it back together and I’ll pay the $24″?

Me neither.

Oh, daddy, dear, you know you’re still number one.

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