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No, I’m not in New York for the Belmont Stakes. I will, however, be watching Big Brown’s attempt at the Triple Crown from the friendly confines of the Melrose Place pool.

My first trip to the track was in 1984 when a friend and I were in L.A. for the Olympics. We had a few days without tickets to the games, so we were looking for other things to do. One night we stumbled upon Los Alamitos race track on a map. And by we, I mean me. I didn’t know until we got there, but they raced only quarter horses; not thoroughbreds. But, hey, a win is a win.

A couple of days later, we drove to San Diego. My friend dropped me off at Del Mar, and he went to see the Queen Mary. I still don’t know how he expected to win money on a ship.

As the picture in today’s post would indicate, I’ve been to several race tracks over the years. The stories I’ve collected will be included in my autobiography - Life… 6 Furlongs at a Time.

I share an excerpt from the book below:

One day at Fairmount Park, I ran out of money, and slid my credit card through the cash advance machine. I enjoyed taking advantage of the generous 28% APR my credit card company offered for this type of transaction.

The machine usually read, “Proceed to Cashier,” but this particular time it read, “Pick up the handset.” So, I picked up the phone, and the line began to ring.

“Hello. Is this Benny?” the operator asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“We’ve noticed you’ve made several cash advance transactions from this location, and want to make sure you don’t have a gambling problem.”

“I don’t think I have a gambling problem. But I’ll admit to having a bit of a cash problem at the moment.”

“Your transaction has been approved. Proceed to the cashier.”

“Thanks, Chief.”

SOB Picks for the 2008 Belmont Stakes (in order):
Big Brown
Ready’s Echo (Abby’s Pick)
Tale of Ekati
Casino Drive SCRATCHED

The Belmont undercard has a couple of races that caught my attention - Benny the Waiter in Race #5 and Benny the Bull in Race #6. I believe that’s why Daily Doubles were created.

I’m leaving today. I want to be a part of it.

Only 2 of the twenty horses from the Kentucky Derby are entered in Saturday’s 133rd running of the Preakness Stakes. Here are picks from some SOB cast members.

 Benny

Pick: Big Brown

Analysis: Big Brown could win this race if he was pulling a plow. Hell, he could drop the plow at the 1/8 pole, moonwalk down the stretch, and still win by three lengths.

The betting strategy is which horses to include on the bottom of an exacta ticket. My choices for the Place slot are Gayego and Racecar Rhapsody.

Big Brown’s attempt at the Triple Crown in the Belmont Stakes could be impeded by a lightly raced horse from Japan, Casino Drive. But more on that in three weeks…

Abby

Pick: Icabad Crane

Analysis: That’s a character from one of my favorite fairy tales. That was a fairy tale, wasn’t it?

Crowe Dog

Pick: Gayego and Giant Moon

Analysis: Mmmmm… Any of you jockeys want to come inside for some cupcakes and a glass of wine?

Dani-girl

Pick: Riley Tucker

Analysis: Never mind… I read the name wrong again.

Gina Party

Pick: Behindatthebar

Analysis: They could have named this horse Visa because that’s everywhere I want to be.

Issac

Pick: Big Brown

Analysis: Once you go brown, you never go back.

Maribeth

Pick: Tres Borrachos

Analysis: I’ve never made out with a Mexican guy.

Tom

Pick: Macho Again

Analysis: Summer’s almost here, and I’m macho again.

When the gun smoke settles we’ll sing a victory tune. We’ll all meet back at the local saloon.

M-I-C-… See you at the bar.

Today’s picture is of reader, Slingen, wearing his SOB T-shirt at Disney World. That gave me an idea… create a photo page of people wearing their SOB gear. Hopefully, this will give Dani-girl, Abby, and the other girls enough incentive to send pictures of themselves wearing their extremely tight SOB tanks. I may have lied about the sizes. Wink.

I’m not going to comment on the Kentucky Derby tonight for two reasons. First, PETA is pissing me off by using a freak accident to advance their own idiotic agenda. Second, I’m not sure if my horse has finished the race yet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Setting your TiVo or DVR to record Flavor of Love. Cha Ching! $10.

Portrait of a Four-Day Bender

Friday - Margaritas at happy hour, beers until midnight.

Saturday - Mint Juleps watching the Kentucky Derby. And by Kentucky Derby, I mean the entire undercard at Churchill on ESPN.

Sunday - Beers at the pool from 2 o’clock to ten. That’s a full day of work for most people.

Monday - Cinco de Mayo (Happy Birthday, George G.) 

A big ole pile of shift work. Seven to three. Three to eleven. Eleven to seven.

SOB picks for the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Drink a mint julep today and be somebody.

Benny
Pick: Pyro
Analysis: Ignore his last effort in the Bluegrass over the synthetic surface at Keeneland. He’s back on conventional dirt today and should be closing like a mo-fo. Besides, I had his grandsire, AP Indy, in the ‘92 Derby. He was scratched the morning of the race, so I jumped on the Azeri bandwagon. That overlay may still be running down the stretch. Then I picked his sire, Pulpit, five years later. He finished fourth and suffered a career-ending injury. Third time’s a charm.

Issac
Pick: Big Brown
Analysis: That was my nickname in college.

Crowe Dog
Pick: Gayego
Analysis: That is my nickname today.

Abby
Pick: Cowboy Cal
Analysis: I was wondering where all the cowboys had gone.

Dani-girl
Pick: Big Truck
Analysis: Never mind… I read the name wrong.

Sheila E.
Pick: Denis of Cork
Analysis: Dennis is my boyfriend’s name… and he loves to cork me.

Tom
Pick: Smooth Air
Analysis: He’s the #12 horse, and that’s the same number of girls I’ve slept with. Wink.

And here comes pride up the backstretch. Heartache is going to the inside.

I spent Saturday afternoon at the winery. The weather was perfect, and it’s hard to beat a day drinking wine overlooking a vineyard. But I can’t believe the prices these places charge. I paid $28 for the same bottle of wine I could have bought at the grocery store for $10.

Now some of you might say that I was simply paying for the ambiance. But that’s a load of shit. I spent the afternoon sitting in a plastic chair that look liked it hadn’t been cleaned in years.

I also had to listen to a group of plus sized college chicks sitting behind me say the word, “Like” about four hundred times. I was like, “You beotches are getting on my nerves.”

By the way, $28 wouldn’t be so bad if I only drank one bottle. But that didn’t happen.

If I’m going to pay for ambiance, I’d rather spend the afternoon at the racetrack. Sure, a beer might cost five bucks, but I can pay for the whole day by hitting an exacta in a cheap claiming race at Beulah Park. And I would be like, “Sweet.”

- Determined dog tries to get up slide. 

- I had ten bucks on the streaker.

There might be a little dust on the bottle. But don’t let it fool ya about what’s inside.

For Sale: 4-Piece Harrah’s Travel Thermos Kit, never used, includes nylon carry bag, 1 liter stainless steel flask and two commuter mugs, cost $11,000, will sell for $10 or best offer.

I received an email this afternoon from reader Tim F. He wore his SOB logo t-shirt for the first time during a trip to the casino; and won $1,200! Sweet.

My Diamond status at the casino expires tonight. That means no more free buffets, $1 beers, or access to the VIP area. On the other hand, my bills are getting paid - thanks to 40-1 underlays hitting the board at the track.

These last two dollars, I’m not gonna lose. One’s goin’ for my bus fare, other one for the jukebox, to hear me some blues.

The other day I told a female friend that I wanted to lose some weight before pool season. “That’s what you said last year, but you were still fat,” she replied.

Good talk.

Her attempt at motivational speaking must have worked because I’ve decided to drop twenty pounds by May 3rd. I weighed in yesterday at a svelte 200. If I reach my goal, I should weigh…carry the one…180 on Derby Day. That’s still heavy for a jockey, but I’ve been banned from riding since the ‘99 Preakness. I don’t want to talk about it.

Have you ever poured a fifth of rot-gut vodka into an empty Grey Goose bottle, and told your friends to help themselves?

Me neither.

- Time stands still at Grand Central Station. Thanks, Ken B. 

- What is it? Hill-Billy. Thanks, Mike K.

- The Clintons have a dream. Thanks, Freddie R.

- Ask the Indians what happens when you don’t control immigration. Thanks, Doug O.

- It looks like someone forgot to courtesy flush. Thanks, Troy T.

- Jimmy Kimmel gets even with Sarah Silverman.

- New treatment for a black eye. Thanks, Mark K. NSFW

Pass the tanning butter.