Vegiie Tray with extra E. coli

This was my lunch today. I swear the broccoli contained E. coli, or something – because I spent the afternoon in the bathroom shittin’ like a hack horse.

I called Issac to meet for lunch but he had already eaten. Here’s our conversation over the Instant Messenger this afternoon. Keep in mind that Issac recently reminded me they monitor the IM.

                         ISSAC
How was lunch?

                         BENNY
Stupid. I think the broccoli was bad. I’ve been in the bathroom a few times.

                         ISSAC
Sounds like pretty good material for tonight’s post.

                         BENNY
I’m not familiar with anything you are talking about. Who is this?

                         ISSAC
Me neither.

Have you ever ran the dishes through a cycle without soap – because some of them needed to be rinsed off – and you didn’t feel like doing it?

Me neither.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “I be freezin’ up in herre.”

Translation: “I am cold.”

Stupidity Tax Offense: Changing your email font and color to some crazy shit that’s impossible to read. Cha Ching! – $10.

Work or not – I will not reply to an email written in cursive with a lilac background.

Well I love her. But I love the fish. I spend all day out on this lake. And hell is all I catch.

PC

I’ve had some major computer problems lately. First, the monitor on my laptop went out. No problem – I just hooked it up to my PC monitor.

That worked for day.

Then the hard drive on the laptop went south. No problem – I’ll just use the old Windows 2000 machine.

That couldn’t connect to the internet.

I went to the bullpen, and brought the Windows 98 tower out of storage. That didn’t even start.

Tonight I figured it out.

I took the ethernet card out of the 98 machine, and put it into the 2000. I had to connect it through a PCI slot because the original was built into the motherboard. I ran ipconfig in the command prompt, which showed the LAN was able to recognize the MAC address. And finally, the TCP/IP was able to communicate through my cable modem to the internet.

But I’m telling you something you already know.

By the way – The SOB doesn’t load properly in IE 5.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Riding a motorcycle with your right hand on the throttle, and the left holding a cup of coffee. Cha Ching! – $10.

I found something very interesting this morning in my bathroom sink – 2 long strands of brunette hair.

Let’s see if we can figure this one out. The last person to use the bathroom is the same person who complains about me not cleaning the sink.

Very interesting.

 - Tony Romo’s Facebook page.

I’m glad to see everything’s alright with you.

Little Chico's Pool
Enjoying Chico’s new swimming pool

There are a lot of grueling ways to make a living. You could be a window washer, crab fisherman, ironworker, fireman, policeman. The list goes on and on.

But one the most difficult jobs has to be a computer programmer in charge of updating spell check applications. 

I mean, think of the work involved trying to keep up with all of the names given to babies these days – Latrelle, LaDonna, Lequita, DeRon, Deandre.

The list grows every day.

Now that’s a hard job.

Drink – I said hard.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Paying for a bunch of shit at the Wal-Mart prescription counter, while the guy behind you has to wait over 10 minutes to get his pee pills. Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “My light beal be runnin’ ’bout fitty dollahs a munt.”

Translation: “My electric bill averages $50 per month.”

Moving me down the highway. Rolling me down the highway. Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by.

Breathalyzer 

Screw it. I’ve got nothing tonight, so let’s go with the story of Big Butthole Girl.

I had a crush on this chick all through high school. I finally nailed her my first summer back from college. She had gone to another school, and somehow managed to remain a virgin. I had done the same. Wink.

We became an item after our first night together. And by item, I mean she craved my boner all the time.

One drunken night, I was enjoying her company from behind, and my joystick fell out. I plugged the fellar back in, but she began to moan in pain.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’ve never put in there before,” she screamed back.

At this point in the story, you should know I don’t have a small penis. I mean, I’m no Long Dong Silver. But the five women I’ve been with have told me I’m above average. Wink.

When the night of mistaken identity was over, I drove home and noticed a foul odor on the way. I didn’t need Encyclopedia Brown to figure out what it was.

I knew my dad would be up for work soon, so a shower was out of the question. I went to the basement (again), and began to lift weights.

As luck would have it, he had to get a shirt out of the dryer.

“What the hell is that smell, boy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I smell it, too. Do you think the sewer backed up, or something?”

“You been drinking?”

“No.”

“Don’t wake your mother.”

“Okay.”

I took a shower as soon as he left.

My love affair with Big Butthole Girl ended a few weeks later after I waited for her outside the bathroom. When she saw me standing there, she looked like a deer in headlights.

I walked past her, closed the door, and damned near puked. There was a stain around the toilet bowl that can only be described as the Shit Rings of Saturn.

And my mom always blamed me for ruining the toilet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Walking into the men’s room to find all of the urinals are taken, and saying, “Looks like a full house.” Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Man, when my gurl ain’t around, I be straight up kickin’ it.”

Translation: “I cheat on my girlfriend.”

- The Office “Diversity Day” Promo

And wake up to a brand new day. To find your dreams have washed away.

But it's a lock, Jerry! 
Exacta box?

I invented another drinking game over the weekend – Countdown.

The rules are pretty simple. Get together with three friends, and assign each player a number between 1 and 4. Then turn on Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC.

A player will drink a shot of beer every time he says the words that correspond to the player’s number.

  1. Rush Limbaugh
  2. Republican Party
  3. Fox News
  4. Right Wing Conspiracy

For added fun, keep a shot of vodka in front of each player, and drink a “Social” whenever he says ” The Bush Administration.”

When the hour is over, you and your friends will be drunker than Boris Yeltsin.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Making people wait in line at the bank while you spend 20 minutes asking the teller to look up foreign currency exchange rates. Cha Ching! – $10.

I mean 6.7 euros.

Whoa, thought it was a nightmare. Lo, it’s all so true. They told me, “Don’t go walking slow ‘Cause Devil’s on the loose.”

Sore Thumb

It’s a little out of focus, but this is what a blood blister looks like. If you want to now how it feels, imagine someone hitting your thumb with a sledgehammer.

I’m finally trying to get into all of this Twitter and Facebook stuff. I mentioned I was sending updates to Twitter the other day. I have also created a SOB page on Facebook. Tell your friends

There’s just one problem right now – my new phone doesn’t work. I mean I have a Touch phone, but nothing happens when I touch it.

I’ve been with women like that.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Sending a snide email or text message to your significant other after you’ve been drinking all day. Cha Ching! – $10.

Okay, this video may not be funny unless you know the players. And even then, you still might not find it funny.

Here’s the setup: 

Chico was exhausted and driving back from Jeff City. Gina Party, Sheila E. and I were having cocktails at the satellite office waiting for him.

Gina had brought home three bottles of wine for herself. I thought that sounded delicious, so we conspired against Chico to stop and get me some. I knew he wouldn’t go to Trader Joe’s for my dumb ass. But I figured he would for a chick.

So I convinced Gina to call Chico and ask him to pick up some wine for her. The video shows her rehearsing how she was going to explain the three bottles of wine she already had.

Please note that the loud burp heard in this epic clip was generated by the filmmaker. And by filmmaker, I mean Sheila E.

You need to have Apple QuickTime installed to view the video because I don’t have the time or patience to convert it to Windows Media format.

- The great wine incident of 2009. NSFW

It’s down to me. The difference in the clothes she wears. Down to me, the change has come.

Finally 
Finally

I hate using crutches – so much in fact, that I haven’t been using them as much as I should. My doctor gave me a stern lecture yesterday after reviewing my X-rays and told me to keep weight off of my foot for another three weeks. The good news is that I got a handicap parking sticker for another 90 days.

Have you ever tried to find a handicapped parking spot at Wal-Mart? Impossible.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Being overweight and trying to find the closest parking spot at the store. Cha Ching! – $10.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Being overweight and taking an elevator one floor instead of using the stairs. Cha Ching! – $10.

Please note that being overweight is not a taxable offense by itself. Most of us could stand to lose a few lbs. But if you are physically able, park a good distance from the store entrance and walk. And if you work on the second floor of a 2-story building, take the stairs for crying out loud.

Tech Tip of the Day:

I wouldn’t mind getting more votes on the next round of SOB T-shirts.  Most of you probably have a MySpace or Facebook page. At the bottom of each post you will see a ‘Share’ button. You can instantly add a link to the SOB to your social network by clicking the appropriate site and signing in.

Share the love. Or if you’re a democrat, share the wealth.

I apologize in advance if you already knew how to do this. But most of the people I hang with barely know how to run Spell Check.

Follow the SOB on Twitter.

I had a hard run, runnin from your window.

©2014 The Summer Of Benny, All Rights Reserved