The first sign you’re gay

My grandma always tells me to eat black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day because it’s supposed to bring good luck. I think I’m going to take her advice this year.

In the past month, my digital camera, television and ankle have all broken.

Someone hand me some hot sauce and a fork. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: Saying “See ya next year,” as you leave work on December 31st. – Cha Ching! – $10. – Thanks, Bob Vila.

I could have sworn I already included this one because it’s one of the stupidest things I hear all year. And I hear a lot of stupid shit.

Benny’s New Year’s Resolutions (not in any particular order):

* Get a new digital camera
* Get a new television
* Quit walking on my broken ankle
* Get my pee & cum pill prescriptions filled
* Get a job
* Get below 175 lbs.
* Quit beating my dick like it owes me money
* Get laid
* Create a line of T-shirts and Koozies to sell on the SOB
* Clean the Saab
* Win the lottery

Let’s get into it! – Get stupid!

We met some new friends over the weekend. Maggiano’s had the best chicken parmesan of all-time. And Mac’s Time Out Lounge had the coldest beer.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Eating someone else’s chicken parmesan when the rightful owner is passed out. Cha Ching! – $10.

I don’t have much time to write today because I’m slaving over a hot stove getting food ready for the big Thanksgiving holiday. But I would be remiss if I didn’t share a story I overheard recently.

A friend of a friend of a friend got pulled over for a DUI. After he was booked, the cop noticed that he lived nearby and offered to drive him home.

“Can we stop by a bar for last call?”

He was asked to find another ride.

I’ve never been lucky in love.

Three significant things are happening this weekend on the SOB:

1. Issac is moving back to St. Louis
After a year-stint in Michigan, he’s decided to move back to the Lou. That’s the good news. The bad news is he’s still a Democrat (his words; not mine). 

Axe not what your country can do for you…

2. Gina Party’s last weekend at Melrose Place
Someone asked if we were having a going away party for GP. The funny thing is the thought never crossed my mind because every weekend with her is a party.

3. Tom is going to a party at the Playboy Mansion
Okay, this news kind of threw me. No offense to Tom, but how does a guy from St. Louis score a sweet ticket like this? By knowing a model and having a valid credit card – that’s how. 

I couldn’t go the Playboy Mansion without wearing a jock strap because I’d be sporting wood all night.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Watching someone carrying your heavy-ass furniture and saying, “Be careful – don’t hurt yourself.” Cha Ching! – $10.

- Obama is looking more like Jimmy Carter every day. 

- Kite surfer tries to ride out Tropical Storm Fay.

- Ernest Borgnine shares his secret to longevity. If that’s the secret, I’m going to live another 100 years.

- Bia and Branca: The hottest chicks at the Olympics.

- I like Olympic Butts, and I can not lie.

Beware of the pool, blue bottomless pool. It leads you straight right through the gate that opens on the moon. 

M-I-C-… See you at the bar.

Today’s picture is of reader, Slingen, wearing his SOB T-shirt at Disney World. That gave me an idea… create a photo page of people wearing their SOB gear. Hopefully, this will give Dani-girl, Abby, and the other girls enough incentive to send pictures of themselves wearing their extremely tight SOB tanks. I may have lied about the sizes. Wink.

I’m not going to comment on the Kentucky Derby tonight for two reasons. First, PETA is pissing me off by using a freak accident to advance their own idiotic agenda. Second, I’m not sure if my horse has finished the race yet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Setting your TiVo or DVR to record Flavor of Love. Cha Ching! $10.

Portrait of a Four-Day Bender

Friday – Margaritas at happy hour, beers until midnight.

Saturday – Mint Juleps watching the Kentucky Derby. And by Kentucky Derby, I mean the entire undercard at Churchill on ESPN.

Sunday – Beers at the pool from 2 o’clock to ten. That’s a full day of work for most people.

Monday – Cinco de Mayo (Happy Birthday, George G.) 

A big ole pile of shift work. Seven to three. Three to eleven. Eleven to seven.

“Park the car.”

The SOB drinking season traditionally runs from May through October. I’m not saying we don’t spend an occasional night during the off-season tossing down cold ones. We do. We’re just not in shape for two-a-days yet. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: When discussing the issue of race, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple.” Cha Ching! $10.

Why is this a taxable offense? - Because purple people don’t exist. If they did, Crowe Dog would finally be at peace with his roots.

Two different magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and EBONY/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?” The results were interesting, to say the least…

Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness
3. Terminal illness/self

EBONY/Jet magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail

Thanks, Josh H.

- Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Crystal’s Birthday and St. Patrick’s Day 2008. 

- Would you like a smoke and a pancake? Thanks, Laurie S.

- Why NFL quarterbacks need to keep their names short. Thanks, Chuck H.

- Cribs: Barney on HIMYM. Thanks, King.

- Chimp tells a joke to the bartender. Thanks, Doug O. and Loverboy.

- Hillary Clinton describes her harrowing experience during a trip to Bosnia in 1996.

Have mercy.

There’s a time and place for everything. Well almost everything. Yesterday I was at a business luncheon in Frontenac, an upscale suburb of the Lou. Yippie-Kay-Yay…

I took a seat at a table with a young, black professional woman to my left and a 60-something male college professor to my right. They were discussing cataracts when I sat down, but the professor quickly turned the conversation to the $4k prostitute the now ex-governor of New York was caught banging. Awkward.

Thankfully, the seats the young lady was saving were quickly filled by her friends. But I was then forced into a one-on-one conversation with the professor.

He started talking about the recent foot of snow we received. He explained that he was unable to shovel his driveway, so he paid someone $40 to do the job. “Where do you live?” I asked.

He loudly replied, “I live about two miles west of here – in the ghetto! You know, the hood! The slums of Town & Country…!”

I wanted to crawl under the table, but turned my attention to the iced-tea that had just been placed in front of me. My best guess is the ghetto comment was some kind of running joke between him and his well-to-do buddies. But this wasn’t the tee box on the 18th hole at the country club.

The funny thing is that he and I would probably laugh our asses off over a couple of martinis.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Justifying your smoking habit by saying, “Hey, I could get hit by a car tomorrow while crossing the street.” – Cha Ching! $10.

Have you ever told a few people that you were expecting out of town guests for the weekend, been asked where they were staying, replied, “My house,” and then heard, “Is there a dry place for them to sleep?”

Me neither.

- Remember ladies, March 14th is Steak and BJ Day.

- Security camera catches drunk guy pissing on the sidewalk while walking.

- College students down a 100 person beer bong.

- How would you like to be married to the Queen of Farts? Feel free to read her journal. NSFW

This morning I shot six holes in my freezer. I think I got cabin fever. Somebody sound the alarm.

The warmer temperatures today had the snow melting like Crowe Dog into the arms of Ryan Seacrest.

Have you ever been on a diet and ate an entire sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies before going to bed?

Me neither.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Saying that you hate moving your clocks forward for daylight savings because you lose an hour of sleep. Cha Ching! $10.

- Fly on Big Balls Airlines. Thanks, Ken B. NSFW

- My son is a heterosexual. Thanks, Jeff B. NSFW

- Will Arnett appears in a sex tape with the Olsen twins. NSFW

I know a place where I can go when I’m alone.