I didn’t write yesterday because I was sick. A bunch of us thought it would be a good idea to have a party at Tom’s on Sunday, and yada, yada, yada, I got home at midnight and threw up. That reminds me…I need to call the carpet cleaners.

Every MLK Holiday, I am reminded of a bad beat. The day was January 15, 1990. I had a losing weekend betting football, and decided to “double-up” on the NBA contest between the Chicago Bulls and New York Knicks on Monday.

I bet the “Over” which was 217. The game was tied at 106 with one-tenth of a second left in regulation, and the Knicks had the ball. That’s :00.1! I fart longer than that.

During a time-out, everyone prepared for what was seen as the only possible outcome – Overtime. With the total resting at 212, all I needed was six points in OT to win.

When play resumed, the Knicks’ Mark Jackson threw the ball inbounds to Trent Tucker. Tucker then turned around, and hit a three pointer before the buzzer, giving the Knicks the win, 109-106.

The following season the NBA implemented what is known as “The Trent Tucker” rule. It states, “NO LESS THAN :00.3 must expire on the game clock when a player secures possession of an inbounds pass and then attempts a field goal.”

The Bulls filed an official protest with the NBA about the play, but it was disallowed. I also filed an official protest with my bookie, but he told me to pay up.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Pronouncing the word “Ask” as “Ax.” Cha Ching! $10.

- Bill Clinton has a dream.

- Hillary Clinton has a new fragrance as heard on the Bob and Tom Show.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

I made it back from KC on the train yesterday in a mere 8 hours and 45 minutes. More on that later…

On Friday, I decided to get some sushi before I boarded the train. Seated inside the restaurant, I noticed a group of teenage girls staring at me from their booth. As I grabbed a piece of yellowfin tuna with my chopsticks, one of them walked up and asked, “Are you someone famous?”

“Not yet,” I replied.

I should have said, “You ever watch the Price is Right, bitch?”

But I finished my meal, and headed over to the station.

I brought a few airplane bottles of Jim Beam onboard for the ride. And by a few, I mean six. I refuse to pay $4 for a lukewarm beer, so I opted for two cans of Diet Pepsi at $1.75 each instead. Diet Pepsi is a perfect low-carb mixer with Jimmy.

The chick sitting across the aisle from me provided a new Stupidity Tax Offense – Being over the age of ten, and making loud popping noises with your gum. – Cha Ching! $10.

Most of the weekend was spent with the family. We had a wedding on Saturday, and the reception was Chickie Poo’s first time to meet the extended relatives. At one point, my Aunt walked up to her and said, “Oh, it’s so nice to meet you. We’ve been over at our table wondering if that was you.

I jumped in and said, “That shouldn’t make her nervous.”

Chickie Poo and I left around 8:00, and thought it would be a good idea to see a movie. We watched a piece of sh*t flick called Michael Clayton. Boring. The only thing that kept me awake during the stupid thing was being pissed off after paying $15 for a bag of popcorn and two sodas.

Lil’ Bro took me and his family to Worlds of Fun on Sunday. I’ve never seen the little guy so excited when a stranger handed us four free passes at the entrance to the amusement park.

Late in day, I rode the Spinning Dragon with him, my oldest niece and nephew. The ride is a roller coaster in which the car you are riding spins in circles. When it was over, my nephew proclaimed, “That was the best 20 seconds of my life.”

“Wait until you get older,” I told him.

Lil’ Bro just buried his head in his hands. Most likely thinking about his prom night.

And now for the ride home. The train left KC on time at 7:30 AM. I arrived in St. Louis at 4:15. At one point, we sat motionless on the track for two hours waiting for several freight trains to pass. This was just one of many stops we made during the day waiting for freight trains to pass. I’ve decided the next time I go to KC, I’m going to hop a freight train. They seem to get there a lot faster than Amtrak.

After almost nine hours, I was ready to get off that stupid thing. If you’re a Seinfeld fan, this is what I looked like as the train arrived at the station.

Well blow your whistle freight train. Carry me far on down the track. Well I’m going away, I’m leaving today. I’m goin’, but I ain’t comin’ back.

Benny

188…Over wins. Next week’s O/U – 185. 

I’ve stated that my goal is to be at 175 pounds by September 23rd. But my actual goal is to lose enough weight so that my man boobs don’t jiggle while barreling down the runway on an airplane.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Wearing a fanny pack. Cha Ching! $10.

My 401(k) is up to $300 Million. 

I woke up with the shakes yesterday morning. I hope it’s because I had about a dozen vodka & sodas at Ozzie’s and Trainwreck without eating. The last thing I want is to wake up and run to the refrigerator for vodka like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

The cricket is still alive and hiding somewhere behind my kitchen wall. He knows that I have been trying to find him and his chirps are getting cocky. This should all change when the exterminator comes tomorrow. Last night I pressed the side of my face against the wall and said, “Listen to the bell, Chirpy. It tolls for thee.”

Think you’re having a bad day? - Thanks, Lance M. 

No one better use this technology on the carpet next to my computer desk. – Thanks, Tom.

There is no political solution to our troubled evolution. Have no faith in constitution. There is no bloody revolution.

Benny

Hey, thanks for all the beers. I’m keeping a list of donations and will add a “Bought Me a Beer” page soon. 

As regular SOB readers know, Dani-girl isn’t shy about having her pictures displayed on the website. I only wish I had a camera when I ran into her and her family the other night. Her voice introduced us, but her eyes said, “Please don’t say anything about The Summer of Benny.”

I didn’t.

The biggest innovation to ever hit Chinese restaurants is placing a number next to each item. Without them, I doubt I would ever order Chinese takeout.

I’ve never understood how so many immigrants refuse to learn English. If I was moving to a foreign country, learning the native language would be at the top of my “to-do” list. In fact, the first words I would learn would be, “Go f–k yourself.” I think all nationalities use this expression in some form or another. It always seems to come in handy when you’re in traffic.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Someone hears you singing and says, “Don’t quit your day job.” – Cha Ching! $10.

Will Ferrell in Good Cop, Baby Cop (Warning: Contains profanity

High Firefighter

Arrogant dude gets KO’d (Warning: Contains profanity) – Thanks, Ken B.

British bride farts after 4 years of courtship.

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it’s dark.

Benny

With beautiful weather over the weekend, we decided not to wait for the water. 

On her website, Sheryl Crow said that limiting the use of toilet paper to one square per sitting will help the environment. 

She obviously doesn’t the share the same diet as me.  I’ve also made a mental note never to shake her hand.

Stupidity Tax Offense: “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

Have you ever been on a modeling gig, fairly certain that the photographer was gay, watched him get drunk, try to leave only to have him get in your face, and then try to kiss you?

Neither has Tom d G.

Celebrating 4/20 in Canada.  I would have liked to have been the proprietor of a pizzeria that afternoon. 

In case you missed it, here’s the Alec Baldwin voicemail to his daughter.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

One of the best inventions I’ve seen in a while – The Pressurized Piss Launcher.

Football player runs into little kid during a spring scrimmage.  The little boy received thirty stitches, but got a signed football.  Gee, thanks.  School officials may ban children from the playing field next year.  Ya think? 

Check out TV Links.  I’m not sure how long this site will be up, but you can watch television shows, movies, sports, and more.  Why not catch the last episode of Entourage while muting your phone during a conference call?

It’s not having what you want.  It’s wanting what you’ve got.

Benny

Yesterday’s news about the alleged love triangle between astronauts got me to thinking about something I’ve always wondered.  Has NASA ever performed experiments on human sexuality in space? 

Sex in zero gravity would probably require some sort of apparatus in order to hold a fornicating couple together.  Otherwise, thrusting could be a serious problem.  However, foreplay would no longer be an issue.

I’ve often fantasized about being strapped into a seat on the Space Shuttle directly across from Pamela Anderson.  In my perverted dream, I rub one out, and watch the fruits of my labor slowly drift toward her while she eagerly awaits my payload with her mouth wide…

But, I digress… 

Stupidity Tax Offense: Using “lol” or “ ” to express laughter in an email or post. – Cha Ching!  $10.

I like shopping at Trader Joe’s, but I always feel like hugging a tree when I leave.

AMC Theaters is offering a chance to see all of this year’s Oscar nominees for Best Picture on Saturday, February 24th.  For $30, you can watch all five films, and get unlimited refills of popcorn and soda. 

I’m hoping adult book stores follow their lead.

Manage your anger safely by playing Whack Your Boss.

This chick must have great friends. – Thanks, Mike K.

Balls Out Jeans (Warning: Contains nudity.)

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.

Benny

Welcome to the winter of my discontent.  I know the days are getting longer, but the extra minute a day is about as noticeable as a fart in a hurricane.

Story Time

I ran into a chick at a party in college who was in my communications class.  After a night of drinking, we went back to her dorm room.  Her roommate was out of town, and before I knew it, she was buck naked standing on her bed looking down at me.

“I want to make sure this is not just a one-night stand, so we’re going to go out, aren’t we?” she asked.

“Of course.  How can you even ask that question?” I replied.

Wham bam, thank you ma’am, and I left. 

The class we shared met on M-W-F at 2:00.  Here’s how the next week went down, and no, I did not call her.

Monday
I walked into the class room, noticed her in the front row, and took a seat in the back.

Wednesday
I felt her cold stare as I walked by, but didn’t acknowledge the look.

Friday
As I entered class, she stood, pointed at me, and said, “There’s the asshole, ladies.  Don’t talk to him unless you just want to get laid.”

I walked straight to the admissions office, dropped the class, and told my parents that the professor was gay.

Stupidity Tax Offense: “Been there, done that.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

Pimped Out John Sweepstakes

College students in Texas are in trouble over a recent MLK Day party.  Check out the pictures.  I think it’s kind of funny. 

Where you stay at?

Van Halen with David Lee Roth and The Police are reuniting for concert tours?  Sweet.  Where’s my bong?

There’s a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Benny