You Make The Best Of What’s Still Around. 

A jury in Massachusetts awarded a man $400,000 in his discrimination lawsuit against American Airlines.  He claimed that he was a victim of racial profiling.

Obviously, it’s wrong to violate someone’s civil liberties because of the way they look.  But people have to realize that 9/11 shook us up, and we’re going to take a longer look at three Middle Eastern men boarding a plane.  Sorry. 

If well endowed, middle aged white men were blowing themselves up, I would expect to receive more scrutiny.  And I would be mad as hell at my big-bonered brethren.

I didn’t see the story, but it looks like The Summer of Benny was a topic of conversation on CNN last night.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Making sounds when you eat.  “Mmmm. Mmmm.” or “Yum. Yum.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

I’m not sure how I found this, but check out Shawty – Crazy Ass Mofo.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

Matt Foley – Motivational Speaker

A few tips for the guys:

1. If you ever find yourself whipping out your Johnson in public, always fluff it a few times before doing so.  The ladies will think you have a huge member when you’re actually halfway to Bonerville.  I call this method FUPO – Fluff Up Pull Out, and personally adhere to the 4-finger rule.
2. Shave your pubes.  This will make your lil’ buddy look bigger.
3. Don’t be a bodybuilder.  This will make your lil’ buddy look smaller.

Turn on my VCR.  Same one I’ve had for years.

Benny

I bought hotdogs and buns at the grocery store this weekend, and was glad to see the hotdog and bun people are finally working together.  Both items now come in equal packages of eight. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: Putting ketchup on a hotdog. – Cha Ching. – $10.

“Nah, this stuff isn’t getting to me — the shootings, the knifings, the beatings… old ladies being bashed in the head for their social security checks. Nah, that doesn’t bother me. But you know what does bother me? You know what makes me really sick to my stomach? It’s watching you stuff your face with those hot dogs. Nobody… I mean nobody puts ketchup on a hot dog.” – Detective Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) in Sudden Impact.

Is Tom d G in New York?  “It’s the protein.”

Dani-girl kisses Abby on New Year’s Eve.  I’ve always admired the way Abby holds her beer.  And by beer, I mean beer bottle.

How not to socialize with co-workers.  (Warning: Contains profanity).

A note to the chickie poo who left half of her McFlurry in my freezer: I nuked it, poured the melted contents into the sink, and used it as a spit cup. 

My new favorite sports reporter.

This would get me to the gym every day.  (Warning: Contains nudity).

The Winner of the 2006 “That’s not my job” award. – Thanks, Tory K.

Students at Ivy League universities are hosting naked parties.  What’s the big deal?  I went to a college in southwest Missouri and my fraternity had naked parties all the time.  We called them sorority mixers.

But I look at you pants and I need a kiss.

Benny

A friend recently told me that his girlfriend made him wait six months before having sex.  The only situation where this is acceptable is when your girlfriend is 17 1/2 years old. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: Someone getting ready to leave says, “I’m off like a prom dress.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

I used a customer’s bathroom today, and the douche bag that used it before me had pissed all over the toilet seat.  I didn’t want my customer to think I did it, but I most certainly wasn’t going to clean it.  So, I used my foot to lift the seat, drained the main vain, and left. 

This got me to thinking about people that truly annoy me.  This is just a small sampling, but I typically don’t get along with people who:

• prefer the soundtrack to “Beaches” over the Rolling Stones “Some Girls.”
• ask a question, and then answer it.  “Am I annoying when I do this?  Yes.”
• interrupt others when they are speaking. 
• watch The Nanny.
• don’t like Seinfeld.
• have no balls to speak up when they disagree.
• think they are always right, and then don’t admit when they are wrong.
• have Successories pictures hanging in their office.
• demand it is their civil right for a paid holiday on MLK’s Birthday, and then spend it playing craps at the casino.
• think Rap/Hip Hop is music.
• thought Howard Dean would have made a great President.
• answer a customer service call as “Frank” even though they are working in India, and representing a US corporation. 

This is about to get good.  Stay tuned.

Benny

The Summer of Benny will return on January 2nd. 

In the meantime, if you hear someone say, “See you next year”, take $10, and call them a jack-ass.

I don’t go out on New Year’s Eve (i.e. Amateur Night).  I refuse to pay inflated prices for something I already do every night of the week.

Let’s get drunk and be somebody.

Benny

My new job has presented a market where everyone seems hell bent on spending money before the year ends.  WTF?  I’ve been busier than a $2 whore on Nickel Night. 

I have road rage (Shocker).  If I had a dollar for every time I said, “What the f**k is this guy doing?” I wouldn’t have to work.

New Stupidity Tax: You show up at someone’s house and they say, “Welcome to our humble abode.” – Cha Ching! – $10.  Thanks, Troy T.

Britney Spears wearing a see-through dress.

In a bit of irony, Issac reneged on selling his furniture to me.  After spending $380 on a moving truck, and about the same in gas, he discovered that the furniture didn’t fit through the door of his new place in Michigan.  Sweet.

Wiley, here’s your favorite horse race, and arguably the best horse race of all-time; the 1989 Preakness.  I don’t know what the Japanese sh-t is, but this is the only video I could find.  Hey, those people like to gamble too. 

Those people; listen to yourself.  You’re a rabid anti-dentite!  Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs.  “Hey, denty!”  Next thing you know you’re saying they should have their own schools.

From the Bob and Tom Show, Sean Morey sings “Dear Santa”.

No one can resist my Schweaty Balls.

If you’re in the mood to blow off work (and who isn’t), here’s the site to visit.  They have 101 Christmas videos you can watch online.  Screw the job.  Stick it to the man, and enjoy using his free internet access while you piss away the rest of the year.

I just want to bang on the drum all day.

Benny

Sherri thanks for the comment, but I may need to quit drinking; or learn karate.  

Congratulations to Jake’s Leg on celebrating their 30th anniversary. 

After reading yesterday’s post, Michael O. said, “Every weekend has the potential to be a 3-day weekend.  It’s all up to you.”

New Stupidity Tax – “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.” – Cha Ching – $10.

Tory K. found inside information on the Agenda for 2008 Democratic Convention.

Foamy the Squirrel says no to the Atkins Diet.  Warning: Contains profanity.

Check out the name of the guy who is the World Health Organization’s head of HIV/Aids.

Jane Skinner is hot, and now she’s talking dirty to me. 

Peace activists are hoping a global orgasm on the first day of winter will help bring an end to war and violence.  Their goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on peace.  Not a problem; I’ll just rub one out while watching Katie Couric.

I don’t mind you coming here and wasting all my time.

Benny

As if things weren’t looking bad enough for Republicans in November, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson is campaigning for the GOP Senate candidate in Maryland.  That should help. 

What did Mike Tyson say when they put him into solitary confinement?
“Hey, where did everybody go?”  (The punch line is funnier if you say it in a Mike Tyson voice).

Major League Baseball struck a marketing deal that will allow certain team logos to appear on coffins and urns.  Now, Cub fans can keep their World Series drought intact; even in the afterlife.

Sports Illustrated has compiled a list of the best sports meltdowns of all-time. – Thanks, Dave B.

Happy 80th Birthday, Chuck Berry.  

Crown Valley Winery just released a new line of Chuck Berry Wines.  Nothing says “Class” more than sipping on a glass of Chuck BERRY BlackBERRY.

I’ve had the same wallet for more than 8 years.

New Stupidity Tax Offense:  “Is that decaffeinated coffee or high octane?” – Cha Ching – $10.

It’s colder than it looks outside.

Benny