D: Final Answer

Everything was going fine with my taxes last night. I entered my lone W-2, and TurboTax was displaying a modest refund. Then I entered a 1099, and watched the refund disappear faster than a Bernie Madoff hedge fund.

I did a little math this morning, and calculated that I need to sell 1,100 SOB Koozies to cover the amount I owe to the IRS.

Get yours today!

Seriously, I’m not that worried. I still have a bottle of Jim Beam – and two days for my lottery numbers to hit.

If you follow The Summer of Benny on Twitter or Facebook, I’ll send the following secret phrase if my numbers come in: Giddy up.

Things that make me say WTF?

Sending text messages to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend after your relationship has run its course.

I don’t think there’s ever been a technology that’s caused more problems in relationships than text messages.

Just ask Chris Brown.

My advice is this: You had your chance. You probably fucked up. So, move on.

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand. Lord, don’t they help themselves. But when the tax man comes to the door. Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale.

Here are three things that I’ve moved for years. Not only am I not moving them again – they’re going in the dumpster tonight.

Besides, they all come with a story I probably need to forget. And by story, I mean girl.

Below are brief descriptions of how I acquired each item (left to right).

I got this little beauty in 2002 when I was staying at the Rio in Las Vegas with Drunkie Drunk. I think it was filled with a Pina Colada or something.

Anyway, we passed out shortly after Medaglia d’Oro finished 8th in the Preakness. I had a sizable win wager in play, but Bailey didn’t have enough horse after the quick fractions.

But I’m telling you something you already know.

Doggie Style gave me this sterling silver flask before our trip to Hawaii in 1996.

This chick liked doing it doggie style so much, I swear she hiked her leg on the toilet.

Ah, the highly coveted Hurricane glass from Pat O’Brien’s in New Orleans. I can’t remember the girl’s name, but she was my first fluff.

Since that night, I’ve kept a list in a journal I call, “The Girls That Fluffed Me.”

Things that make me say WTF?

Banging a girl when your roommate is in the next room, and not making any effort to keep the noise down.

I mean, this practice is completely acceptable when you’re in college.

“Hey dude, did you hear me spanking that chick’s ass last night?” is a commonly heard phrase in fraternity houses all across this great country of ours.

But if you’re over 30 years old, cram a pillow in her mouth.

Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society? Because if you don’t want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don’t you just get in your car and move to the East Side!

I don’t know. But I’ve been told. If you keep on dancing. You’ll never grow old. Come on darling. Put a pretty dress on. We’re gonna go out tonight.

This is what happens when you give Gina Party a bunch of SOB products, and then send her into a bar. This was taken in Columbia, MO last week. I’m still not sure she what she had the guy doing in this picture.

I have to take another drug test today. I should just hire an on-call nurse and send her some kind of Bat Signal after I’ve been drinking. Then she could rush to my bedside and hold a cup next to my penis while I sleep.

Better yet, I’m just going to bring my sheets in today, toss them on the counter and say, “Send these to the lab. I’m in a hurry.”

I really enjoy completing online applications for employment. And that concludes today’s lesson in sarcasm.

Things that make me say WTF? 

Why do companies ask for your ethnicity background on an application when the law prohibits them from discriminating against your answer?

I just select ‘Other’ and then write ‘Black, Jewish, Indian (customer support; not casino), with a hint of Southeast Asian’.

An update on my weight loss efforts: I’m still a fat ass, and pool season is six weeks away. But keep the faith. I’m a closer.

On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered ’round. And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found.

I admit that I’m not the neatest guy around. I mean, I think I’m neat as in ‘neato’, but when it comes to house cleaning, I’ve never been referred to as a neat freak.

The other night, Gina Party needed a wine opener. After I told her there was one in my kitchen, she started going rummaging through my drawers like a crack addict digging through the sofa cushions looking for loose change.

We spent the next few hours drinking at Doug Wetback’s. Afterwards, I decided I wasn’t ready to turn in just yet, so I went to the Melrose Place clubhouse to finish my bottle of Jim Beam.

Who wouldn’t?

I arrived home around 1:30 in the morning to the smell of something burning. After a little research, I discovered that someone (and by someone, I mean probably Gina) had accidentally turned on the stove.

This is where my neatness, or lack thereof, comes into play.

I’ve always considered the top of my stove as an ideal place to keep junk mail, bills and other assorted paper products. But I’ve never thought of it as a potential fire hazard.

I immediately turned off the stove, and removed the smoldering roll of paper towels that was probably minutes from igniting.

I thought about calling Gina to tell her what had happened, but I was too drunk to dial the phone. And she was probably too drunk to answer.

I guess it’s time to either quit drinking or clean my apartment. Oh, wait a minute – I’m moving next week.

Things that make me say WTF?

Have you ever watched The Daily Buzz in the morning? If you’re in St. Louis, it’s on channel 11. This is the stupidest morning show ever.

Watch out you might get what you’re after.

 
Lassie needs a pee pill

Thanks to Slingen for designing the new header. Drink – I said header. He also created the artwork for the new T-shirts and Koozies that should be here next week. 

I’m starting a new feature on the SOB. It’s called “Things that make me say WTF?”

Things that make me say WTF?

- Lil’ Wayne told Jimmy Kimmel that he lost his virginity when he was 11 years old.

If anyone sees Abby, Dan-girl or Maribeth, tell them I said, “What up?”

The Mexican food I ate for lunch today has got me shittin’ like a hack horse.

Tom d G told me that he hurt his back doing squats. I used to date a girl that loved doing squats. But hers were more about balance than barbells.

I got a woman, stay drunk all the time.