I was permanently banned from a small Missouri town in the mid-80’s. That same night I put my friend’s head through the passenger side window of my Ford Escort. The following is a narrative description of the night’s events, but is not intended as an apology or admission of guilt.
An acquaintance of mine had family in this small town, one of which was the mayor. Every year they celebrated Oktoberfest with a big carnival and beer garden. The mayor asked if he knew anyone responsible that could check ID’s at the entrance into the beer garden. And naturally he thought of me.
I enlisted the help of my friend, Red. We were given only two instructions for the Friday and Saturday nights of work. First, we were not to let anyone underage into the beer garden. Second, under no circumstances were we to drink alcohol ourselves.
I observed both rules on Friday night. But by the time the beer garden closed, around midnight, I was ready for a shot of whiskey and a quick roll in the hay with an 18 year-old girl from Mayberry.
I told Red that I would be drinking on Saturday night. I brought a bottle of Seagram’s, and spent the first few hours making trips back to the car for refills. Looking back on it, I probably should have eaten a corn dog or funnel cake because it didn’t take long before I was tanked.
An enormously overweight man approached us around 9 o’clock, grasping the arm of a young girl. He introduced himself as a descendant of the town’s founding fathers. I tried to look like I gave a shit.
“Which one of you boys let this underage girl into the beer garden?” he asked.
“I didn’t,” Red replied.
“I didn’t either,” I said.
“Well, she managed to slip through your crack security checkpoint.”
At this point, let me say I still don’t know if I let her in or not. But the Seagram’s had talked me into adopting a new entrance policy – “Show tits, drink beer.”
I doubted Boss Hog would see the humor in my policy change, so I said, “We’ve checked everyone that came through this gate. If someone snuck in, that’s not our fault.”
He didn’t like that answer either.
A verbal assault began to reign down on Red & me. He was cussing, calling us every name in the book, and spraying spit as he screamed. It was apparent that he had spent most of the day in the beer garden.
Enough was enough, so I finally said, “Listen you fat fuck…”
I didn’t have time to finish my sentence before the po po began escorting us from the premises.
Boss Hog looked like he was having a heart attack when he yelled, “You are permanently banned from this town! If I ever see you here again, you’ll be arrested!”
Red was telling me to be cool as we walked to the car, but I was too busy looking for that hot little number that might have shown her tits.
To be continued…
Jenny was sweet. Show a smile for the people she needs.