Bennie And The Jets
Chico’s Closet (before) The deadline for my transformation into a neat freak is Friday, May 15th. The Preakness is the next day, and I’m not about to spend it scrubbing a toilet. Look what Benny did today! Took out the trash Emptied the dishwasher Grilled a steak (over-cooked the MF’er) Cleaned up steak mess I’m a little […]
Dirty White Boy
Good-bye porn collection And by collection, I mean two VHS tapes. The other day my girlfriend politely asked me to quit living like a fucking pig. Not wanting to end our relationship, I eagerly agreed. Then I asked her to quit using profanity because it makes me cry. Since this is going to call for […]
Beautiful Loser
 The trainer of the 50-1 derby winner was a guy on crutches named Bennie. How did I not pick that horse? If you’ve ever been to the racetrack, you can usually tell the winners from the losers once the race is over. I remember being in Louisville on the first Saturday in May when a […]
Dead Flowers
It’s time for the fastest two minutes in sports. Not to be confused with the fastest two minutes in sex – which I like to call prom night. Or at least it was in my case. Hey, she had huge tits and like to talk dirty. So sue me. The field for the 135th running of […]