Enjoying Chico’s new swimming pool

There are a lot of grueling ways to make a living. You could be a window washer, crab fisherman, ironworker, fireman, policeman. The list goes on and on.

But one the most difficult jobs has to be a computer programmer in charge of updating spell check applications. 

I mean, think of the work involved trying to keep up with all of the names given to babies these days – Latrelle, LaDonna, Lequita, DeRon, Deandre.

The list grows every day.

Now that’s a hard job.

Drink – I said hard.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Paying for a bunch of shit at the Wal-Mart prescription counter, while the guy behind you has to wait over 10 minutes to get his pee pills. Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “My light beal be runnin’ ’bout fitty dollahs a munt.”

Translation: “My electric bill averages $50 per month.”

Moving me down the highway. Rolling me down the highway. Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by.

Belmont Picks:

1. Chocolate Candy
2. Dunkirk
3. Mine That Bird
4. Charity Man

Long shot exotic plays: 3/1,5 trifecta, 3-1-5-7 superfecta

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “The pool party is tonight.”

Translation: “I’m going to start drinking at noon, and be asked to leave when it starts.”

Plowin’ these fields in the hot summer sun. Over by the gate lordy here she comes.

Screw it. I’ve got nothing tonight, so let’s go with the story of Big Butthole Girl.

I had a crush on this chick all through high school. I finally nailed her my first summer back from college. She had gone to another school, and somehow managed to remain a virgin. I had done the same. Wink.

We became an item after our first night together. And by item, I mean she craved my boner all the time.

One drunken night, I was enjoying her company from behind, and my joystick fell out. I plugged the fellar back in, but she began to moan in pain.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’ve never put in there before,” she screamed back.

At this point in the story, you should know I don’t have a small penis. I mean, I’m no Long Dong Silver. But the five women I’ve been with have told me I’m above average. Wink.

When the night of mistaken identity was over, I drove home and noticed a foul odor on the way. I didn’t need Encyclopedia Brown to figure out what it was.

I knew my dad would be up for work soon, so a shower was out of the question. I went to the basement (again), and began to lift weights.

As luck would have it, he had to get a shirt out of the dryer.

“What the hell is that smell, boy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I smell it, too. Do you think the sewer backed up, or something?”

“You been drinking?”

“No.”

“Don’t wake your mother.”

“Okay.”

I took a shower as soon as he left.

My love affair with Big Butthole Girl ended a few weeks later after I waited for her outside the bathroom. When she saw me standing there, she looked like a deer in headlights.

I walked past her, closed the door, and damned near puked. There was a stain around the toilet bowl that can only be described as the Shit Rings of Saturn.

And my mom always blamed me for ruining the toilet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Walking into the men’s room to find all of the urinals are taken, and saying, “Looks like a full house.” Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Man, when my gurl ain’t around, I be straight up kickin’ it.”

Translation: “I cheat on my girlfriend.”

- The Office “Diversity Day” Promo

And wake up to a brand new day. To find your dreams have washed away.

Looks like McDonalds is putting some pressure on Starbucks. Today was the first time I walked out of there without spending over five bucks.

I went to St. Louis Bread Co. afterwards for breakfast. That’s Panera Bread for those of you outside the Lou.

SOB Translation of the Day 

Quote: “I’ll take a whole grain bagel, toasted, sandwich sliced, with vegetable cream cheese and a soy milk latte.”

Translation: “I’m a high maintenance bitch.”

I always lock my doors, even when I’m going to be gone for just a few minutes. It’s not that I’m worried about somebody stealing my shit. I just don’t want to hear a lecture from a cop on how I should have locked the door.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Five loads of laundry
2. Put away laundry
3. Took out trash

We’re in the homestretch. All that’s left is the bathroom. I could clean that tonight, but I have an extension because the judge is going to the lake this weekend.

Drink – I said extension.

Actually, extension isn’t a bad word. But give me a second, and I’ll make it one.

She thought she was going to have to soft serve me, but after a few tugs, I got my extension.

Nailed it.

I got some bad news today. Dani-girl, Abby and Maribeth are moving out of Melrose Place. All three are SOB cast members.

As sad as that is, it gave me an idea. Maybe we should adopt the Menudo philosophy, and replace aging members with younger ones.

Drink – I said members.

I was a doctor, a lawyer, a senator’s son, Brad Pitt’s brother and a man on the run. Anything I thought would get the job done.

I had a deep conversation with a buddy today about women who like to play the ol’ rusty trombone. He was wondering if they talk to their girlfriends about their fondness for licking butt.

I doubt that’s the case. I mean, they may share a lesbian story from college. But no girl wants her friends to think she’s a straight up freak.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “I had to come and steal y’alls ice.”

Translation: “The ice maker in my department is not working, so I am going to use yours.”

Is American Idol over with yet? I can’t prove this, but their viewers have to be the same people that watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann, and think they’re watching an unbiased news program.

You don’t have to be Nostradamus to predict this conversation in the future:

                         Crowe Dog
Would you think I was gay if I told you I had a threesome last night?

                         Benny
Not if you didn’t touch the other dude and concentrated on the chick.

                         Crowe Dog
What chick?

- US Pole Dance Championship 2009

Well, I’m a bum in the sun and I’m having fun. And I know you know I got no special plans.