Shoot To Thrill

There’s no place like home. 

I’ve had it with the post office. Today, I went to mail my Mother’s Day card and tried to buy a stamp from their vending machine. They didn’t have any 41 cents stamps available, so I opted for the fifty cents choice. Who needs a frickin’ fifty cents stamp anyway? The machine accepted my first quarter, but swallowed the second. So, I fed it another quarter. Bye-bye…

Now I was pissed. I walked into the packed lobby and grabbed a number – sixty-five. After a 15 minute wait, my number finally got called.

“Can I help you?” asked the unmotivated government employee.

“Yeah, I need a stamp for this card because I lost 75 cents in your vending machine,” I replied.

“Anything else?” he asked, completely ignoring my comment about losing money.

“Can I get my 75 cents back?”

“You have to fill out a form. Do you want it?”

“No thanks, but you should probably put an Out of Order sign on the machine.”

“Okay.”

I started to walk away, but had to ask - “You’re not going to put a sign on it, are you?”

“Sixty-six,” he yelled. 

– Man to be buried in Pabst Blue Ribbon coffin. 

– Anyone missing a tire? Thanks, John M.

– Charles Barkley is Ron Burgundy.

– Man steals golf cart trying to flee from the police.

– Crazy beotch on the train starts rapping and yelling obscenities at an old lady. I’m pressin’ charges. NSFW

Too many women with too many pills.