Shattered

Looks like more than one Big Brown got taken down last weekend.

I’ve noticed lately how much I appreciate the self check-out machines at the grocery store. The benefits of avoiding interaction with other humans are immeasurable.

For example, I don’t get upset anymore when the girl ringing my groceries stops working, and says to a co-worker, “I’m fixin’ to get up on out uh herre at fo’.”

Another improvement is that I no longer get embarrassed when buying personal items. Things like Nair and condoms used to make me a nervous wreck while waiting in line. Now I just hide unsettling purchases underneath a carton of eggs, and swipe them at my convenience.

Sometimes I make fun of myself, but people don’t usually notice. They’re too busy wondering why I chose Spanish for the language.

Go ahead, bite the big apple. Don’t mind the maggots.