Won’t Get Fooled Again

 

ET phone home…

One of the worst things I ever did happened during the summer after my high school graduation. I think I was supposed to be mowing the lawn or something, but floating around the pool drinking dad’s beer seemed like a better idea.

I had the place to myself until I heard two car doors slam shut. It was my mom and her friend returning home from a day of shopping. And I thought it would be funny if they walked into the house, looked out the kitchen window, and saw me floating face down in the water.

They rushed outside in a panic, screaming hysterically.

I jumped up and tried to act startled. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“We thought you had drowned,” my mother’s friend said in between breaths.

“Nah, I was just diving for pennies.”

I hadn’t seen my mom that disappointed since she found out I gave her graduation ring to my girlfriend, Angie, in the fourth grade. Angie grew up to become a stripper. I sure can pick ’em.

Quote of the Day

A Taxpayer voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

Thanks, Tory K.

– Man busted for DWI while driving motorized cooler.

– Red Sox fan gets taken down.

– Endless David Caruso one-liners from CSI: Miami.

– CSI: Jim Carrey

– Read President Bush’s resignation speech. Thanks, Tom.

– Rap battle goes bad. NSFW

– News reporter shows that he’s bilingual. NSFW

– A video portrait of Barack Hussein Obama. Thanks, Tom.

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution. Take a bow for the new revolution.