little bottles of liquor


Today a buddy told me he was upset I hadn’t called him – or at least sent a text message – to see if he was alright after tornadoes blew through his neighborhood last Friday.

He said he had received messages from all around the country, but nothing from me.

Tip of the Day: If there is a disaster – and you don’t want people to worry – post an update to your facebook page.

You know your friends watch the news – and most of them are on facebook – so you have two choices:

1. Keep everyone in the dark – have them send you text messages in a panic – and then reply to them individually when you have some free time.

– or –

2. Make a post from the iPhone you’re always bragging about, and let everyone know that you’re okay.

In his defense, he may have been too drunk to make a facebook update from his phone. I mean, it was Noon on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there.

I accepted his apology.

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2011:

  1. Lose enough weight before summer, so people at the pool don’t refer to me as “the old fat guy in sunglasses”
  2. Find the right Just For Men hair color, so people don’t refer to me as “the old fat guy with with the f’d up hair”
  3. Win the lottery
  4. Limit the number of sofas I go through to three.
  5. Never run out of toilet paper
  6. Use candles
  7. Don’t have flannel sheets on my bed in July
  8. Dust
  9. Get more people to listen to country music
  10. Shampoo the carpet in my living room
  11. Find a way to block Google from knowing my internet search habits
  12. Don’t use my online checking account as a way to accurately calculate my balance
  13. Change the oil in my car sooner than every 25,000 miles
  14. Un-follow people on Twitter that write in Ebonics
  15. Quit falling for those ‘make your penis larger’ emails
  16. Get a new cell phone with a battery-life that lasts longer than 20 minutes
  17. Tell customer service reps located overseas that I want to speak with someone in the United States
  18. Buy new socks
  19. Don’t be a snitch to my homies
  20. Be more polite

Happy New Year’s, bitches.

She’s got the backseat rhythm

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