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Kahuku, HI, February 1, 1996:…On this day in history, I was staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore of Oahu with a girlfriend I affectionately called ‘Doggie Style.’ And by affectionately, I mean she had no idea that is what I called her to my friends.

The hotel was sweet. It’s the same place they filmed ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’ I’m not lying. Google it.

Anyway, we had spent the previous three days on the tourist-filled streets and beaches of Waikiki Beach, so the resort was a welcome change.

After we checked into the room, we went for a walk, and ended up in the woods along the golf course. I can’t explain what happened next other than we had outdoor sex. Twenty minutes later we were putting our clothes back on. And by twenty, I mean three.

As we walked back into civilization she noticed her legs were covered with red insect bites. I spotted a security guard and asked, “Are there mosquitoes in Hawaii?”

He pointed and replied, “The woods behind you are infested with them.”

I bought her a Skeeter Stik at the gift shop, but it didn’t seem to help with the itching. Then I told her the mosquitoes had bitten her because she has such sweet blood. She gave me a dirty look, and said I was being insensitive.

I went down to the bar and got drunk on Blue Hawaiians and Mai Tais.

That girl was moody.

I bought a ticket to the world
But now I’ve come back again