I got a few responses regarding the previous post. That was not a joke. That is the actual cover letter I’m uploading with my resume, now. I mean it. I officially give up trying to find a job via the internet. What a waste of time.

“So is your website.”

WTF did you just say?

Here is a typical conversation I have with my friends:

BENNY
What did you do all day – watch porn and whack off?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
No, I was too lazy to take off my clothes.

BENNY
WTF are you talking about? You get completely naked to masturbate?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yeah.

BENNY
What is wrong with you? Sometimes I’ll just lift it out the top of my shorts and get busy.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
That’s gross.

Do you ever wake up – turn on The Who’s Eminence Front – and walk around like you’re a rock star?

Me neither.

Here I am. On the road again. There I am. Up on the stage.

Tiger Shark

I give up.

Thank you in advance for ignoring my resume. After applying for dozens of jobs online, I have determined that mine are sent into a black hole located somewhere between the moon and New York City. And since you are not interested in me as a potential employee and colleague, feel free to check out my website: http://www.summerofbenny.com/

- Craigslist: To the guy who mugged me and my girlfriend on Monday night – 32 (Miami)

- Marijuana Pepsi will see you now.

The only difference that I see – Is you are exactly the same as you used to be.

Frozen Al Gore

If my typing seems a bit erratic it’s because I just did a shoulders and arms workout. There has got to be an easier way to lose weight than exercise and eating right. This seems a little excessive.

I created a new game over the weekend – Facebook Friday Frenzy.

You need two things to play:

1. Facebook account
2. Liquor

The rules are pretty simple. Get drunk, go to a friend’s wall, and find a thread that has generated comments from people you don’t know. Then make your own comment about something completely different.

Tip: Try to write about politics and religion. People love that.

Here, let me give you an example:

Facebook Friend: TGIF!

Person You Don’t Know: i agree! this has been such a long week. i can’t wait to get some rest these next couple of days

Benny: Rest? How can you rest? The economy lost 85k jobs in December. Unemployment is still 10%. We have people trying to kill us with bombs sewn into their underpants. But damn it, let’s get this health reform nonsense passed. Unbelievable.

I debuted the game last Friday, and had three people calling me names by midnight.

And I don’t wanna fall in love. No I don’t wanna fall in love. With you.

Abby, Hilah and Maribeth promoting The Summer of Benny

Man, Abby wore me out tonight. She uploaded 6 new photo albums, and I had to manually change the creation date of every file.

Seriously.

Hey, I just got pulled over…NSFW

I’m going back to bourbon and the BCS Championship game.

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you. That I almost believe that they’re real.

I can’t stand websites that have auto run programs on their pages.

For example, let’s say you’re an accountant, and your boss just gave you a spreadsheet to “tidy up.” But you’ve heard it’s supposed to snow, so you click on the website of a local television station.

You don’t think to check the speaker volume because, well, you’re an accountant.

And there it is – a video of the weatherman at the bottom of the screen – screaming to heed his warning and stay off the roads.

You’re busted.

And now your boss gives you more work because the only spreadsheet he’s ever created was with a ruler and a blank piece of paper.

The internet has two industries to thank for many of the innovations we now take for granted. Gambling and porn sites were ahead of the curve when it comes to technology.

Five years ago, paying a bill from your computer was still a little scary. But you could place a 3-team parlay without any problems. You know, unless you count financial problems.

Nowadays, cell phone technology is all the rage.

Microsoft has some catching up to do when it comes to operating systems. Sure, Windows Mobile 6.1 is nice, but it doesn’t include Adobe Flash Player.

I mean, how is a user supposed to watch porn or horse racing from their cell phone if every video runs in Flash Player?

Windows Mobile 6.5 was just released, and it has the porn player already loaded. But who knows when phone manufacturers will offer an upgrade.

WTF am I talking about? Man I got way off track there.

A few weeks ago, I gave my name to a fast food establishment.

“Mr. Benny, your order is ready,” the lady yelled.

I’m looking around and thinking, “Wow, that’s weird – someone has the same last name as my first name.”

But I’ve started noticing this a lot lately – people saying “Mr.” and “Miss” before a first name.

“Y’all know where Miss Cathy stay at?”

I was always taught to use a courtesy title before the last name.

“Good morning, Miss Landers.”

Mr. Clean? – I guess I always assumed that was his last name.

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood? C’mon, everyone knows his first name was Fred.

The whole shithouse is going up in flames. And I blame everything on music.

So tell me Mrs. Rita, what’s it say in my tarot? Read my palm and tell me. Why do lovers come and go?

I followed my grandma’s advice to eat black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day for good luck.

The only good luck I’ve had so far was making it to the bathroom in time to rid my bowels of a can of black-eyed peas.

Stupid hot sauce.

But the year is young, and I’m one of the most patient people I know.

By the way, what is the correct spelling – is it “blackeyed”, “black eyed” or black-eyed”?

I tried searching the internet, but all I kept getting was that band Fergie used to be in.

WTF?

I don’t have all f’n day to find a dictionary.

This is no social crisis. This is you havin’ fun.

I don’t know which is worse – having to throw a piss stained foam mattress into the dumpster – or listening to the last Chiefs game of the season on the internet while wearing a Trent Green jersey.

Or how about this? Career Builder lets you include your website/blog in your account profile. “Oh, sure, it’s summerofbenny.com. Check it out. I write about excessive drinking and bed wetting. When do I start?”

The Chiefs just scored again. I’m going to pour myself a drink.

The time has come for you my friend.