Archive for October, 2010

Run

Update: Thank you Mr. O for sending this picture. Dick.

There’s only one week left before the mid-term elections. I know a lot of you don’t follow politics, so here’s an overview of some of the races.

Delaware U.S. Senate

Christine O’Donnell won the Republican Primary as a Tea Party Candidate. Back in the 90’s she appeared on Politically Incorrect and said, “One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar.”

Her Democratic opponent is Chris Coons.

And she is one hot witch.

Connecticut U.S. Senate

The wife of World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Vince McMahon is running on the Republican ticket. The state wants supporters to cover up their wrestling garb when they reach the polls.

The state of Missouri has said nothing on the issue, so I’m wearing my Randy “Mach Man” Savage T-shirt as a sign of solidarity.

Florida U.S. House

Incumbent Democrat Alan Grayson has referred to his Republican opponent Daniel Webster as “Taliban Dan.”

Not cool.

Kentucky U.S. Senate

This race has been downright nasty.

During a recent debate, Republican nominee Rand Paul said of his Democratic opponent, Jack Conway –  “You demean the state of Kentucky.”

Conway countered by asking Paul to explain a night in college where he allegedly “tied a woman up and asked her to worship a false idol.”

And by false idol, I think he meant penis.

I’m siding with Paul on this one. There’s no way I would want stories from my college years in the press.

I mean, remember that one chick that made me wear the Mr. T mask? What a freak.

California Governor

The quintessential career politician, Jerry Brown (D) is running against Meg Whitman (R), the former CEO and President of eBay.

Brown called her a whore. I can’t sell shit on eBay. So here’s to the voters in California electing a write-in candidate, hopefully a porn star.

New York Governor

Two Italian-Americans are facing off – Andrew Cuomo (D) and Carl Paladino (R).

And then there’s Jimmy McMillan, founder of “The Rent Is Too Damn High” party – who hasn’t paid rent since the 1980s.

I don’t care who wins – just find a way to keep the state’s horse racing tracks open. I’m going to be pissed if I come out of retirement, and the only east coast race to bet is a $5k claimer at Calder.

You got to pick out every stitch

Lube Truck

Call me crazy, but this email sounds legit.

Subject: My husband had left her, I want sex, I’m from Russia, do not want to meet?

You were outside my house – why do not you come to me? “I love you so waiting – when you called me – it was the best moment of my life, I changed the phone number – you can watch it on my page – look.


I don’t have a lot of time tonight because I’m watching the Hip-Hop Awards on BET. But I think they left out a few categories:

Stolen Track of the Year

CD of the Year by an Inmate

Best Live Performance without a Band

Video with Hottest Biatches

Most Run-Ins with the Po-Po

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day

Lawn Care Truck

I heard dozens of my former co-workers were fired after forwarding the following email:

Subject: How would you pronounce this student’s name: “Le-a”?

Leah? NO
Lee – A?  NOPE
Lay – a?  NO WAY
Lei?  Guess Again.

It’s pronounced “Ledasha.”  Oh, yes, you read it right.  This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  If you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “The dash don’t be silent.”

The HR dillweeds at this major corporation said they considered the message to be racist. WTF? The email doesn’t even mention race.

If they’re assuming ‘Ledasha’ is from a specific ethnic background, then maybe they’re the racists.

I’m half-tempted to send an email to my former HR rep. I think her name was Tijana.

Some silicone sister with a manager mister told me I go what it takes

Young Goose

Dear Doctor,

I realize I haven’t seen you in over a year, and that is why you initially declined the request to refill my Xanax prescription.

But when I scheduled a complete physical the other day for early November, your assistant led me to believe that you would call in our normal ‘agreement.’

When I picked up the pills last night, I was shocked. Instead of the normal thirty 1MG pills, you gave me ten .25 MG.

That’s like taking a broke gambler to a casino, and handing them a nickel.

Not cool.

I get it. You want to check my height and weight for the 1,000th time. And I know I’m about to lose my prostate check cherry.

But I thought our relationship was more than that. If you remember, you’re the one that put me on that Celexa shit. My former girlfriend still won’t talk to me after she spent countless nights waiting for me to finish.

I surrender. You are the doctor, and I am the patient. I look forward to seeing you next month. I promise not to eat eight hours prior to my appointment. I mean, I don’t want to skew the blood test results.

I will also make sure my butt hole is clean for your inaugural rubber glove trip up my dirt shoot.

I only hope I can make it until then.

Respectfully,

Benny

P.S. I still need those pee pills, too.

You think I’m cute, a little bit shy
Momma, I ain’t that kind of guy

sign outside bar

Wow, the Summer of Benny didn’t win the Riverfront Times’ Best Blog again. Shocker. I think this year’s winner maintains a site with pictures of hair weaves. Last year it was Urban Review STL. The year before that it was Angry Black Bitch.

I’m noticing a pattern here.


A couple of weeks ago, I went to a birthday party where three Mexicans were guests. They brought a bottle of tequila and asked why there wasn’t a piñata. At least they weren’t adding to any stereotypes.

These guys were cool. But since they were the only Hispanics present, people started asking questions about enchiladas and lawn care.

I wanted to crawl under the table, you know, with the bottle of tequila.

They didn’t stay long, though. They said they had to go watch a fight. But I think they’d had their fill of drunk gringos.


Dizzy, drunk and fightin’
On tequila white lightnin’
My glass is getting shorter
On whiskey, ice and water

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