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Got a little Admiral in you?

Every news program I watched today featured some chef or dietician explaining how you can still eat healthy at a Super Bowl party.

I don’t know what the big deal is. I eat like I’m at a Super Bowl party every day.

Oh, and the chefs try to make “cute” little references to football during their segments. Here’s how one ended her bit this morning.

FEMALE CHEF:
So when the big game is about to kickoff… (grabs plate of food and shows it to the camera). You’ll already be a winner.

Seriously.

I’ve been sick with the flu for a couple of days. A lot of women say that men become little babies when they’re sick. I don’t know if that’s true, or not. But I miss my mommy.

The live webcast from Tom d G’s will begin around 3:00 CST on Sunday.

Here are my Super Bowl picks.

What will be the result of the Coin Toss?
Heads (Coin Toss) -105
Tails (Coin Toss) -105

Pick: Tails
Tails never fails.

How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?
Clock starts as soon as Underwood sings first Note and Stops when she sings her last note.
Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds -150
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds +120

Pick: Over
And the home – of the – braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.

Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today’s annual Ad Meter?
Anheuser-Busch / Budweiser 5/7
Go Daddy.com 9/1
Career Builder 9/1
Coca-Cola 10/1
Family First 12/1
Doritos 12/5
Other 5/2

Pick: Doritos
Watch the little kid slap his momma’s new boyfriend.

What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
Lime Green 9/1
Yellow 20/23
Orange 11/2
Red 8/1
Blue 25/2
Clear/Water 37/20

Pick: Orange
Lock of the day

How Many Times will CBS announcers fully mention Hurricane Katrina during the game?
Wager is on the number of times announcers specifically say – Hurricane Katrina – during the Game (from kick off until final whistle).
Over 2½ (-210)o
Under 2½ (+170)u

Pick: Over
Like taking candy from a baby. This line should be at least 5.

How Many Times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the Game?
Wager is on the number of times Kim Kardashian will appear on TV during the Game (from kick off until final whistle). Live pictures only, Any Taped Pictures or Past Video does not count towards wager. Person must be in attendance for wager to have action.
Over 2½ (-130)o
Under 2½ (EVEN)u

Pick: Under
I’m just hoping they show the skank less than 2½ times.

Will a member of the Who smash a guitar on stage during the half time show?
Yes +115
No -145

Pick: Yes
Smash that mother fucker.

I won’t need to fight, to prove I’m right. I don’t need to be forgiven.

I broke down and ordered a DSL modem from AT&T, after being unsuccessful in my efforts to secure one on the free market.

It can’t get here soon enough because I’m on a 30-minute time limit on the computers at Melrose Place.

Here’s an excerpt from another conversation with Anonymous Buddy.

BENNY
You get naked today?

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
Yep.

BENNY
Geez…you are sick.

ANONYMOUS BUDDY
(laughs)

I read an article on STLtoday about the new casino wanting to rename a stretch of road in South County to “River City Casino Boulevard”.

I mentioned this to Mr. O, and told him I thought it was bad idea.”The casino is trying to buy their approval for $500,” I explained.

“What’s the big deal?” he asked.

“People have been living on those streets for decades. They raised their families there. And you think it’s okay to change the name to advertise a casino?”

“It’s just a street name.”

“Do you think $500 is a fair price?”

“I’d do it for a $50 casino chip.”

“What if you lived on a street, and some company wanted to change the name to Shit Turd Avenue?”

“Make it a hundred.”

Burning down love.

I finally made my beer run.

The car?

The hood latch worked fine on Saturday morning. This allowed me to diagnose the problem in the light of day. The battery was not dead. The cable was just loose.

Dumb ass.

The move?

I got done sometime on Sunday afternoon. Now the old place is clean, and the new one is a mess.

Lazy ass.

I have DSL service, but can’t find my old modem. I think I chucked it into the dumpster last year in a fit of rage. I need to get one soon because I’ve gone back to old Playboy mags to get my naked fix.

Sick ass.

A lot of people will say betting on the Pro Bowl is an indication you might have a gambling problem. Others will say the same thing about placing a bet on the NFL preseason schedule.

I think there are more tell-tell signs of a potential problem.

I know a guy that spent an entire Saturday a few years ago playing the ponies and betting sports on a gambling website.

When the games were winding down at night, he went into the online casino and played Roulette and cards for a few more hours.

And is if that wasn’t enough action, he bet the remaining balance in his account on an English Premiere soccer match before he went to bed.

He said the game would be over by the time he woke up the next morning. And he couldn’t wait to check the score.

Now, that guy might have a gambling problem.

Stupid Aston Villa.

I’m coming out of my cage. And I’ve been doing just fine.

Terrible Marketing

Let me recap a shitty day.

- Cell phone went dead because I brought the wrong cord

- Started to leave work at 6:00, and found out I was scheduled to stay until 7:30.

- 7:35: Discovered car battery was dead

- 7:36: Discovered cable to open hood was broken

- 7:37: Realized I was fucked – and cold

- 7:38: Walked back into office

I asked the security guard if he had any jumper cables. He said, “No” like I had just asked to borrow a hundred dollars.

Jack-off.

At this point I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had no cell phone, which meant I had no phone numbers.

But then something happened that restored my faith in humanity.

“You need a jump start?” the guy asked as I walked down the hallway.

“Yeah, but I can’t get the hood open,” I replied.

“Let me grab my coat, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Fifteen minutes later, I was driving home with the heater cranked.

I thought about making a beer stop, but didn’t want to risk the car not starting. That turned out to be a good move, because it sure as shit didn’t start back up when I got home.

Now I can add buying a new battery to my to-do list this weekend. Oh, and my cell phone isn’t turning on after charging for over an hour. So I’ll probably spend a few hours at the Sprint store.

That’s okay. I really didn’t have any other plans this weekend – except moving.

There is no other place I want to be.

Why is America so fat?

I used my cell phone to record and upload my first video on YouTube. I call it The Summer of Benny – Cribs.

It’s my birthday, so I’m getting drunk tonight. Here’s how I spent some previous ones.

This Day in Benny History

1996: Flew to Honolulu with “Doggie-Style”

1997: Ice and snow storm – watched “Nutty Professor”

1998: Flew home from Vegas after Super Bowl

1999: Met Lil’ Bro at DFW Airport Hyatt

2001: Maui – Lunch at Hula Grill in Lahina, whale watching cruise, drinks at Cheeseburger in Paradise, dinner at Bubba Gumps (crab legs), drinks at Maui Brew House – bought weed from some dude on a bridge – drinks at Kimos – stopped at convenience store on cab ride back to hotel to get rolling papers – watched two chicks get it on in hot tub outside by pool

2002: Watched football – ate crab legs and filet mignon with “Drunkie-Drunk”

2003: Drinks after work with Jane

2005: Trainwreck and Margarita Mama’s with Jane, Nancy and others

2007: Fast Eddies – OTB at Mac’s Time Out Lounge

2008: Dog Parade in Soulard – Melrose Place pool after with Sheila and Cathy G. 59 degrees high temp

2009: Dinner and drinks at Ozzie’s with Chico and Maribeth – Snowed 6″.

Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?

Hello, Saints Fan!

For the next week and a half we’re going to be subjected to experts handicapping the Super Bowl.

“For the Saints to win, they’re going to have to get to Peyton Manning.”

Really?

“For the Colts to win, they’re going to have to have to control the line of scrimmage.”

Wow, that’s some hard-hitting shit.

How about this? – The team that wins the Super Bowl will be the one that can best handle the night life in South Beach.

Peyton Manning and Drew Brees are good family men, so they don’t count.

So now you’re left to figure out what players are going to be able to chase tail and down Jaeger shots on Saturday night – and still show up to play a football game the next day.

There’s your edge.

Ask yourself this – who has home field advantage when it comes to partying – Broad Ripple or Bourbon Street?

Exactly.

Saints by a field goal.

You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all.