I overheard a woman talking on her cell phone this morning. “My name is not Patrice; it’s Caprice!” she yelled.

A few minutes later I saw a woman wearing a name tag that read, “Mercedes.”

If I would have run into a “Porsche” today, I could have started my own car lot.

Just a reminder – follow the SOB on Facebook or Twitter.

One of the people I’m following on Twitter is Larry the Cable Guy. Here are a few of his recent tweets.

Just woke up. Had a show last night at horse shoe casino. Never eat a patty melt and fries at 3 am. My glade plug in started a carpet fire!

I’m watchin my buddy Marty sell cars on ESPN. Don’t know what I ate last night but I could poop through a screen door and not touch a wire!

If your late for special ed is it proper for the teacher to call you “tardy”?

 That’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

I’m heading over to a friend’s place to watch the All-Star game. I was thinking about going to a bar or Busch Stadium. Drink – I said Busch. But Parties in the Plaza is Thursday, and I’m on a beer budget.

My pappy said “Son your gonna drive me to drinkin’ if you don’t stop driving that hot rod Lincoln.”

Who’s ready for a wiener?

I like to dispense advise from time to time. For example, don’t use big words if you can’t pronounce a three-letter word like ask. It just makes you look more stupid than you actually are. If that’s even possible.

Today, I want to talk about relationships.

The most important thing you want in a woman is a best friend. This idea might sound corny, but there are going to be times when you just want to drink beer and watch football. And by times, I mean every weekend in the fall.

But if your lady friend would rather the two of you watch Lifetime movies on an October Sunday – and you’re not gay – then you’ve got problems down the road, my friend.

This next advice is for the ladies. Giving compliments to your man will help him feel good about himself.

Here are a few Don’ts:

                         HIM
I like your hair when you wear it like that.

                         HER
You’re a slob.

                         HIM
You look great in that swimsuit.

                         HER
You need to get your shit together.

                         HIM
I’m glad we got together.

                         HER
I’m not.

                         HIM
I love waking up next to you.

                         HER
Did you pee the bed?

Trust is another big issue. If your woman sees nothing wrong with going out with an ex-boyfriend for drinks, remind her of how the two of you hooked up.

If she still doesn’t see the light, meet an ex-girlfriend for happy hour. When she asks what the hell you’re doing, say, “It’s okay, baby. We’re just friends.”

Sex is obviously an important part of any relationship. If she likes to be on bottom, but you’re not a fan of the missionary position, tell her what you like. Sideways, doggy-style, dirty talk – I don’t care what turns you on – just make sure she’s into it, as well.

Otherwise, you’ll end up on top thinking about the cute checkout girl at the grocery store.

To summarize, find a woman who can double as your drinking buddy- that’s nice to you – doesn’t go out with ex-boyfriends – and turns you on in bed.

A nice rack doesn’t hurt either.

 - I liked this headline.

I wanted to be with you alone, and talk about the weather. But traditions I can trace against the child in your face, won’t escape my attention.

If anyone sees Chico, you tell that little Mexican this trash will be waiting for him when he gets home. I’m sick and tired of being taken for granted.

I’m going to get drunk and sleep in his bed tonight while he’s out of town. He doesn’t have a mattress pad, so that Sealy Posturepedic doesn’t stand a chance.

- President Obama has a new Stimulus Package.

The city is crowded, my friends are away, and I’m on my own. It’s too hot too handle, so I gotta get up and go.

I got this sweet sun reflector at the eye doctor this morning. My eyes are dilated, and I’m heading to the strip club later.

Check out the note that someone left above the mailboxes at Melrose Place. I didn’t take this fucker’s DVD, but I bet it was the old Korean neighbor. I mean, the guy once hijacked my beer koozie, so I’m sure he would appreciate a complimentary movie.

I took my phone to Sprint yesterday because it wasn’t sending emails from my Yahoo! and SOB accounts. The technician walked out and axed, “Have you tried deleting the accounts in the phone, and then reinstalling them?”

“Of course. I’m not Steve Jobs, but I’m not an idiot either,” I told her.

“Who is Steve Jobs?”

“Never mind.”

“Well, you need to talk to your IT department because they’ll need to look at it.”

“They’re in India. I’ll figure it out.”

So, I went back to work, and searched the internet for a possible solution. I found out the issue was with Windows Mobile 6.1. I downloaded a cab file from the website, and the problem was fixed in ten seconds.

However, I didn’t realize that I had over 20 emails sitting in the Outbox. Within minutes I started receiving replies from people asking why I was sending messages about things that happened weeks ago.

I just ignored them. People think I’m crazy anyway.

The Sprint Tech reminded me of the IT people I have to deal with when I have problems with my internet connection.

“Mr. Benny, can you please make sure your computer is plugged in,” is always the first thing I hear.

“Wow. That was it. I’m so stupid. Thanks for your help, Hadji.”

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “We can’t be together because we fight all the time.”

Translation: “We can’t be together because you bitch at me all the time.”

I thought I was doin’ fine. ‘Bout to get you off my mind. I see your face, and then I’m wrapped around your pretty little finger again.

So I was curious why there hasn’t been a thumbnail image available on my Facebook links lately. I mean, sure I switched to Firefox because IE 5 in Windows 2000 is outdated. But I knew there had to be something more.

Then it hit me. The “align” attribute of the <div> element was deprecated in HTML 4.01. I just needed to add the “class” attribute to the <div> element, and update the CSS.

I have no idea what I just said.

By the way, the Windows 2000 machine I’m using doesn’t have a sound card. Have you ever watched porn with no sound?  Not for me.

King got a new nickname over the weekend – Jammer. Cell phones seem to quit working when he’s around.

Tom emailed me the following list of things he has after Jammer left town.

1. White hoodie with a zipper
2. Plain white t-shirt
3. Black wife beater
4. Black/brown flippy floppies
5. Golf clubs
6. Broken phone
7. Liver damage
8. Severe dehydration

Sounds about right.

- Al Sharpton is a class act.

Ooh you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me.

Crowe Dog and Tom attempt to swim upstream

This 4th of July was one of the coolest on record in St. Louis. And the sun came out for about 15 minutes the entire weekend.

Al Gore is full of shit, man.

But with King and his buddy Devo in town from Cali, we still made it to the pool every day.

I went to sleep (wink) early on Saturday, so I wasn’t present when today’s picture was taken. But someone showed it to me the next morning. I haven’t laughed that hard since I heard Crowe Dog uses his treadmill as a frozen pizza timer.

I also didn’t hear the SOB’s banging on my window for an hour Saturday night. But it was nice of them to toss my patio furniture into the creek.

I’m thinking about calling in sick tomorrow, so I can watch the Michael Jackson funeral. I hope the media covers it.

- Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. O on their new baby girl.

I’ll stick with you baby for a thousand years. Nothing’s gonna touch you in these golden years, gold.

The Clinton Culinary Combo Kitchen Tool Set

I hate having to remember so many passwords. I have seven just at work. They are all different, and they all have different requirements. 6-14 characters, upper/lower case, special characters like “!,@,#,$<%,^,&,*”…

Not to mention they have to be changed every “X” number of days.

But I came up with a good way to deal with the Help Desk whenever I forget a password. They usually ask a series of security questions like:

1. What is your maternal mother’s name?
2. What grade school did you attend?
3. What was the name of your first dog?

But I noticed a new question a few months ago – “Who would you most like to meet?”

My answer? – “Your mom.”

This worked like a charm today when I had to deal with an IT woman in India.

“I need to ask you a few security questions,” she asked.

“No problem,” I replied.

“What was your first car?”

“A 1979 Chevy Monza. I lost my virginity in the back seat.”

“What?”

“Chevy Monza.”

“What was the name of your first dog?”

“Buttons.”

“Who would you most like to meet?”

“Your mom.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your mom. Just type it in.”

I heard a few keystrokes and then, “How can I help you today?”

This Day in Benny History

1995: Drove to KC

1997: PM – Walk/jog to YMCA, 2 circuits @ 12, walk/jog home, 2 Abs @ 15

1998: PM – YMCA – 5 min. Stairmaster, 15 min. cycle, 1 circuit @ 12, 5 min. cycle

2000: AM – 3 mi. walk/jog

2002: Kiah had surgery to remove tumor. She spent night at vet. And died a few months later. What a jip!

2001: Drove home from KC with Drunkie Drunk. She wanted to stop by a winery on the way home. Shocker.

2003: 3.5 mi. run

2004: Drank beers and Zimas with Mr. and Mrs. O. The night we ran out of beer.

2005: Red in town – lunch at Trainwreck. Night – TJ, Red, Niro (and kids), G-Man, Matt M at my place

2006: Pool in afternoon. Night – Bush stadium to watch Royals beat the Cards 7-6. Jake’s Leg at Broadway Oyster Bar after. Sweet.

2007: 6:30 AM – drove home from KC after spending Saturday night at cousin’s wedding

2008: Judge excused me from jury duty after deliberations began. Hang the bastard.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: Man, I can’t wait ta git out o’ werk taday. These people be trippin’.

Translation: I am ready to go home. The customers are getting on my nerves.

Things that make me say WTF?

Protesters marched in front of the Illinois State Capital yesterday holding signs that read, “Do your job! Raise taxes!”

Who in the shit wants their taxes raised?

Oh, probably people that have the time to march around the state capital on a Tuesday afternoon.

Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back.