I will not be attending the annual Melrose Place pool party tonight because I’m headed out of town for a family reunion. But I hope someone gets drunker than I did last year, so I can quit hearing about it.

Please take some time and vote for Dani-girl for Ms. Westport. Click on the Vote for Ms. Westport tab - she is contestant 5 of 22 (Danielle H.) You will need to register your email. I’ll find a better way to link to the voting site when I get back.

Have you ever passed out on the floor because you were tired of pissing on your furniture?

Me neither.

- This chick must be a big hoops fan.

- The website is down. NSFW

Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow. Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long.

Yeah, I’ll search the world over.

I realize it’s been a few days since the last post, but I’ve been busier than an NBA player on Father’s Day.

The SOB has officially gone global. Today’s picture is of reader John M. at a Euro 2008 match in Basel, Switzerland on June 15, 2008.

In addition, I’ve received the following pictures of SOBs and their shirts:

* John M. finishing the St. Louis Marathon
* TJ on a float trip in Indiana
* Slingen at Disney World
* Leo and Sheri in the garden
* Issac assuming the position at Lake of the Ozarks
* Dani-girl at Fast Eddie’s
* Freddie R., Chuck H., Kyle H. and Vance H. at Lowe’s Motor Speedway
* Some pervert who used it as a spooge towel

That last shirt was mine. I had an extra one lying around and got caught up in a moment. I plan on creating a photo page, minus the baby gravy, during the next rainy weekend. Until then, I’ll be getting crunk at the pool.

This Day in Benny History

1996: PM - YMCA - 10 min. bike/1 circuit at 12/too crowded - went home and drank some beers

1999: Weighed in at 196 lbs.

2001: Drove home from Memphis; ate at Taco John’s in Sikeston, MO.

2003: 5 mi. run

2004: Parties in the Plaza

2006: Ribs on the smoker at 6:30 AM; first beer at the pool an hour later. Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty concert at night - Mr. O. pissed on my foot while listening to Free Fallin’.

2007: Pool

Have you ever seen a guy whistling, and had a sudden urge to punch him in the face?

Me neither.

Some Swiss junkie in Turin ripped me off for my cash.

Trimming the trees at Melrose Place

Good News: I will have an unobstructed view of the pool this summer.

Bad News: People at the pool will have an unobstructed view of me.

So, Tom called me on Sunday morning with a story. A female co-worker of his went to the Cardinals game on Saturday afternoon with Dani-girl, Abby and the rest of the chick click.

The regulars didn’t make it past ten o’clock, but the newcomer went to a bar with Tom and Crowe Dog. She managed another hour of partying before pulling three barstools together for a place to sleep.

They carried her outside and put her in the backseat of Tom’s car. When they returned a few hours later, they discovered the backseat was soaked. The girl had peed her pants.

Wait, it gets better.

Once home, they carried her into Tom’s guest bedroom. When he went to check on her the next morning, he discovered his bed was…wait for it…soaking wet.

Tom confronted her about the situation, and she said, “Hey, that’s what happens when you party with me. I drink too much, I pee the bed.”

“I need to introduce you to a buddy of mine. He takes pills for this,” he told her.

“They have pills for it?”

You’re welcome.

A lot of people started referring to this girl as my soul mate. But let me be completely clear about something. There can be only one bed wetter in a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll spend the entire next day arguing over who did it.

Happy Birthday, Tory K.

Congratulations to reader John M. for completing the St. Louis Marathon on Sunday. He ran the 26.2 miles wearing his SOB T-shirt.

Have you ever been giving a sales presentation in front of a group of strangers, one of which was a smoking hot chick with big boobs, and said, “At the end, we’ll have a brief T&A session”?

Me neither.

I just bought a water bed. It’s filled up for me and you.

I enjoyed watching the day games during the opening round of the NCAA basketball tournament last week. Not because I’m a huge hoops fan. I just like thinking about the housewife sitting down to watch her favorite soap operas only to find out it’s that time of the year again.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

Have you ever been thinking about rubbing one out when a religious commercial came on the TV telling you to accept Jesus?

Me neither. 

- It looks like King hasn’t changed much since moving to Cali. You want a shot at the title?

- Vote for Hillary. WTF?

- A drunk dude doesn’t like the band. I would have turned it on the French crowd.

Ah, take me with you, Jesus.

There’s a time and place for everything. Well almost everything. Yesterday I was at a business luncheon in Frontenac, an upscale suburb of the Lou. Yippie-Kay-Yay…

I took a seat at a table with a young, black professional woman to my left and a 60-something male college professor to my right. They were discussing cataracts when I sat down, but the professor quickly turned the conversation to the $4k prostitute the now ex-governor of New York was caught banging. Awkward.

Thankfully, the seats the young lady was saving were quickly filled by her friends. But I was then forced into a one-on-one conversation with the professor.

He started talking about the recent foot of snow we received. He explained that he was unable to shovel his driveway, so he paid someone $40 to do the job. “Where do you live?” I asked.

He loudly replied, “I live about two miles west of here - in the ghetto! You know, the hood! The slums of Town & Country…!”

I wanted to crawl under the table, but turned my attention to the iced-tea that had just been placed in front of me. My best guess is the ghetto comment was some kind of running joke between him and his well-to-do buddies. But this wasn’t the tee box on the 18th hole at the country club.

The funny thing is that he and I would probably laugh our asses off over a couple of martinis.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Justifying your smoking habit by saying, “Hey, I could get hit by a car tomorrow while crossing the street.” - Cha Ching! $10.

Have you ever told a few people that you were expecting out of town guests for the weekend, been asked where they were staying, replied, “My house,” and then heard, “Is there a dry place for them to sleep?”

Me neither.

- Remember ladies, March 14th is Steak and BJ Day.

- Security camera catches drunk guy pissing on the sidewalk while walking.

- College students down a 100 person beer bong.

- How would you like to be married to the Queen of Farts? Feel free to read her journal. NSFW

This morning I shot six holes in my freezer. I think I got cabin fever. Somebody sound the alarm.

No Tom + No Gina Party = No drunken stories from the weekend.

Things should be different next weekend when Mr. & Mrs. O. make their triumphant return to the Lou. It seems like only yesterday when Mr. O. pissed on my foot at the Tom Petty concert. Good times.

The SOB T-shirts will be in on Tuesday. I’ll let everyone know when and where they can pick theirs up. For the out-of-towners, your shirts will be in the mail later this week.

There is one caveat for the ladies that bought tank tops. The manufacturer recommends not wearing a bra with them. And by manufacturer, I mean me.

Have you ever felt like Crowe Dog was staring at you, turned around, and heard him ask, “Do you color your hair?”

Me neither.

I would like to write more tonight, but I’ve been caught up in a nationwide prostitution ring. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I have some people coming to work on my kitchen first thing in the morning, and they need everything removed from the cabinets. As of 10:00 tonight, I haven’t removed a thing.

“I had my tongue so far up her puckered starfish, I carved my initials in tomorrow’s turd.” - Anonymous

With one breath, with one flow, you will know…

The warmer temperatures today had the snow melting like Crowe Dog into the arms of Ryan Seacrest.

Have you ever been on a diet and ate an entire sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies before going to bed?

Me neither.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Saying that you hate moving your clocks forward for daylight savings because you lose an hour of sleep. Cha Ching! $10.

- Fly on Big Balls Airlines. Thanks, Ken B. NSFW

- My son is a heterosexual. Thanks, Jeff B. NSFW

- Will Arnett appears in a sex tape with the Olsen twins. NSFW

I know a place where I can go when I’m alone.