Alright, so it’s not Sunday School material. But it’s timely and funny. Happy Easter. NSFW

Have you ever been approached by a cab driver inside QuikTrip, and asked if you remember the time he drove your drunk ass to the racetrack?

Me neither.

SOB reader, John M, moved to South Korea for a year to teach English. It probably wouldn’t hurt to give a few driving lessons while he’s there.

Go home into your blue jeans. Have some chicken and some baked beans.

King

I’ve been sicker than Gina Party on Sunday morning. And on top of having the flu, my latest X-rays reveal that my ankle is not healing properly. It may have something to do with the fact that using crutches suck my ass.

I got the new pics taken last night at an Urgent Care because they accept my insurance and are open until 8 PM.

After reviewing the X-rays, the female radiologist asked, “Why didn’t they put you in a real cast?”

Hoping to hear a bit of good news, I replied, “Why didn’t they give you cup of shutty?”

Have you ever tried to shave your balls while standing on one leg?

Me neither.

Happy Belated Birthday, Jo B. (1/11). I love you.

Happy Birthday, Mac (2/10).

Vote for Dani-girl in The Bull Rocks Sweet Thing Photo Contest. Our lovely cast member can be found in Gallery 4, Number 6 (kissing Tom d G’s bicep). You’ll need to enter a valid email and confirm the message from The Bull for your vote to be counted.

Why is the media making such a big deal out of Michael Phelps hitting a bong? I mean, the biggest pot heads in my high school were on the swim team.

I remember one afternoon I was walking through the locker room after track practice (yeah, I used to be a runner), and the swimming coach was about to hold an impromptu meeting.

“Benny, get in here!” he screamed.

“Why?”

“You need to hear this!”

Man, I had to listen to a 15-minute lecture on the evils of marijuana.

And then I got stoned with the state champ in the 50-yard freestyle on the way home.

Take your time, hurry up. The choice is yours, don’t be late.

Watch the SOB Super Bowl Party Live! on February 1st beginning at 3:00 PM CT. We put the TD in STD.

In the last post, I wrote about not being able to talk about hot ass in the workplace because some people might get offended. What I meant to say was that you can’t tell a girl she has a hot ass nowadays. There was time, albeit in the 1950’s, when you could tell your secretary that she has a hot ass, and then tell her to fetch you a cup of coffee.

SOB Super Picks:

• Arizona +7 (W)
• Over 46′ (W)
• Coin Flip: Heads (W)
• Will Bruce Springsteen play Glory Days? Yes 2-1 (W)

Have you ever sold an autographed Derrick Thomas authentic jersey for beer money, and found out it was worth over $4,000 after he got elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

Me neither.

Have you ever gone to a Night at the Races at church and ended up making out with a chick in a pew?

Neither has Doug Wetback.

Have you ever had someone ask you if you had a bible, and responded by saying, “Just the one I stole”?

Neither has Anonymous SOB Cast Member.

Turn me on.

As if a broken ankle wasn’t enough, now I have gout in the same foot. Sweet. But the good news is my doctor refilled my pain pills.

I often ponder the mysteries of life. My top three are:

1. Why are we here?
2. What happens when we die?
3. How did Seal end up with Heidi Klum?

If you ever find yourself in Alton, IL, stop by Mac’s Time Out Lounge. I had a couple of Mac’s cheeseburgers and fries last weekend that were incredible. And the pulled pork is also worth a try.

Have you ever had to watch a video on sexual harassment for work - and couldn’t stop thinking how hot the chick in the video was?

Me neither.

I have stood here before in the pouring rain. With the world turning circles running ’round my brain.

I wanted to make a new post this morning for a couple of reasons. First, it’s Sheila E.’s birthday. Second, I had to get rid of that disgusting ass picture from the first thing people see on the SOB.

Some interesting things you may not know about Sheila E.

- Lived in Minnesota for a year and every day would walk through a chicken coup with a basket to hand pick eggs

- Absolutely despises Minnesota

- Has driven two hours for Taco John’s

- Goes to the grocery store with a list that contains nothing but different kinds of cheese

- Broke up with a boyfriend while shopping for a new refrigerator. When he asked what color she liked, she responded by saying, “It doesn’t matter. I won’t be around to use it.” Ouch.

- Still has her Catholic high school uniform – and it still fits

- One night I accused her of staring at me across a bar like a teenage girl gazing at a Shaun Cassidy poster (Dani-girl, if you don’t know who Shaun Cassidy is, Google it)

Happy Kwanzaa, Issac. Here’s hoping the MAN doesn’t keep you down in 2009. Wait a minute - after the inauguration, you will be the MAN. 

WTF did you just say?

Have you ever gone home for a ‘Nooner’ at lunch – by yourself?

Me neither.

These apples are delicious! “As a matter of fact they are,” she said.

I hope everyone took advantage of my free NFL picks on Sunday that went 2-3. While that’s not enough to lose your house, be patient, because I’ve yet to release my 5-team College Crap Parlay of the Year.

I sometimes receive emails asking why there is a lack of posts, especially during the weekend. Well, here’s a recap of last weekend that might be able to put things into perspective.

Friday night – Sybergs with college buddies for a few cold water sandwiches

Saturday – Opened the first beer of the day at Noon – watched football at summer home (Melrose Place clubhouse) with Issac- stumbled over to Ozzie’s at 6:30 to save table – watched Mizzou hammer Nebraska

Sunday – Opened the first beer of the day at 8 AM – had tailgate party by myself – stumbled over to Ozzie’s at 11:45 – watched the Chiefs get hammered by Carolina – went to the pool for an afternoon cap

Have you ever had a girl on top who was wearing nothing but sunglasses?

Me neither.

I know I’m sleeping with an angel and this devil’s in luck.

I haven’t written in four days because I’ve been on a four-day bender. It began Thursday night at Parties at the Plaza where Dani-girl was denied the title of Ms. Westport. We were all rooting for her to win, but life goes on.

The rest of the weekend went like this:

Friday: Dinner at lady friend’s house

Have you ever had a girl invite you over for dinner, and when you got there discovered she had invited her neighbor and boyfriend join you, and they turned out to be swingers?

Me neither.

Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains. I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends. Naw, I’m not ready for it.

Saturday: Party at SOB satellite office

Sunday: Watched football with Doug Wetback and Issac

I think the cricket I firebombed last weekend must of had a lot of friends because I’ve noticed several crickets surrounding the perimeter. They’re probably going to storm my apartment like Issac at an Obama rally. When that happens, I’ll just stomp on them one-by-one with my shoe. And yes ladies, I have big feet for a guy my size. Wink.

If you’ve been picking the Chiefs and Rams in your office pools, or, Heaven forbid, been betting on them – well, you’re just mad at your money. I think both teams should forfeit the remainder of their seasons, and play a pee wee exhibition game during the halftime of the Mizzou/Kansas game in November.

Oh you look so beautiful tonight.