I’m sure this is a fine establishment. But why would you name your business after a term given to violent acts perpetrated by postal workers?

Here, let’s come up with some more ideas.

Casino- Chapter 7’s

Check Cashing Store – NSF, LLC

Daycare – Petty Files

Nightclub – DUI’s

Strip Club – Claw Midia’s

The braless chick never showed up today. I can’t say I blame her. When she saw me waiting yesterday, she stared at the ground like Gina Party waiting in a confession line.

But between you and me – I blame Issac. We were talking on the sidewalk yesterday when she walked by. She’s probably one of those non-bra-wearing racists.

I hate non-bra-wearing racists.

- This is possibly the cutest foul ball catch ever.

It puts the gas in my truck, butter on my biscuits. A couple bucks when I’m itching for a scratch-off ticket. That poker makes me broker every Saturday night. But I  still got running water, and they ain’t cut off the lights.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Please help kids go to camp by purchasing a candy bar on the honor system.”

Translation: “Please help yourself to some complimentary candy bars, like you did with Benny’s two 6-inch Subways.”

I found a great way to get through the day. There’s a cute girl that walks into the building at the same time every afternoon. Oh, and she never wears a bra.

Today was the third day I waited for her on the sidewalk. Jackpot! She wore a sleek little black number, and you would’ve thought it was 30 degrees outside.

Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless Oh Henry! candy bar heiress.

- Seinfeld: Scene from The Contest.

- Seinfeld: Scene from The Caddy.

Someone asked me today why I don’t have a picture of my girlfriend in my cubicle. Well, for starters, I don’t have a girlfriend. But more importantly – I’m a grown-up.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand why married people surround themselves with pictures of their family at work – especially when they have kids.

But if you’re a single guy, leave the photographs at home. And Holy Moses don’t use a picture of your sweetie pie as your computer background. The last thing you need during a sales presentation is your prospect remembering the night he banged your girlfriend at a Sig Chi mixer.

You know I ain’t complainin’. Just tryin’ to understand. What makes a woman do the things she does.

Is there a Kanye West fan club? I mean, how can you not support a great artist like Kanye? Especially after he stormed the stage at the VMAs last night, and interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. I guess it didn’t matter to him that she’s just a teenager, enjoying one of the biggest moments of her life.

Douche Bag.

Apparently he was upset Beyonce didn’t win the Best Female Video award. I watched the video, and from what I can tell, all she did was dress herself in gold and shake her ass around.

Yeah, that’s art – if you’re making a James Bond movie.

That reminded me of the scrolling news alert I saw on the bottom of the TV last week. It read, “50 Cent says he wasn’t being disrespectful to Jay-Z on new Flight 187 song.”

Thank Goodness. I can’t go through another East Coast/West Coast feud, man.

And all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonnabe, cocksuckin’, pussy-eatin’ prankstas. Cuz when the fry dies down what the fuck you gonna do.

I want to share a quick one with you.

I bet you do.

A buddy called me last week with a story he said, “You just can’t make up.” I’m not going to use his name because his yarn is an embarrassing one.

He was trimming some trees in his back yard. When he was done, he went inside, and decided to rub one out. I mean, who doesn’t get horny doing yard work?

You probably know where this is going, but an hour later 75% of his body was covered in poison ivy. His dick is included in that percentage.

I called him last Wednesday to see how he was doing. “I just jacked off with Benadryl,” he said.

“Well, no one can question your dedication,” I replied.

“Nope.”

Well I don’t know where they come from. But they sure do come.

I’m not Ansel Adams, but I took this picture today from my cell phone. Man, I wish I had some mushrooms.

I called the ex-girlfriend tonight to get her side of the story. She didn’t answer, so we’re going with my side.

She invited me to a party last Sunday. Later that night, I found her locked in the bathroom with another guy. If that would’ve been me, I would’ve apologized right away if nothing was going on.

But what adults lock themselves in a bathroom when nothing is going on?

I mean, I guess if she was a coke head, or something, I would understand. But she stood there like a fucking mute when she walked out, looking guiltier than OJ.

Did she apologize? No.

Did she explain herself? No.

But she sent me this text message the following day:

If I wanted him I would have done it 2 yrs. ago. Get over it.

Well, I’m over it. Good luck and good-bye.

I didn’t know this, but the suppositories I bought are 95% cocoa butter. Shit, if I would have known that, I could have saved some money. All I need is Crowe Dog, rubber gloves and a tub of Coppertone.

And the rubber gloves are probably optional.

I’m sick of hearing about this health care shit. If I need pee pills, that should be between me and my doctor. I don’t want the government denying coverage because I’m a big boy.

- Facebook mistake. Thanks, George G.

And I can see those fighter planes.

“Wanna go into the bathroom, Benny?”

“Why yes, I would. I need to get even with someone.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Just lock the fucking door.”

I looked everywhere, but apparently Hallmark doesn’t make a “Sorry I puked on your carpet” greeting card. Go figure.

Okay, we’re just a few Facebook fans away from the century mark. So here’s a sample script you can use to get your friends to follow the immaturity:

“Are you on Facebook?”

“I’m on your friends list, dumb ass.”

“Oh, that’s right. Do you like stories about alcoholic, degenerate gamblers with ass, bedwetting and girlfriend problems?”

“Sure. Who doesn’t?”

“Go to summerofbenny.com, and click on the “Become A Fan” link in the upper left-hand corner.”

“Okay. But what’s in it for me?”

“I won’t kick your ass.”

- How not to get caught on Facebook.

- Did Charles Manson get paroled?

- Film Forum with Beavis and Butthead.

- An inappropriate laugh track inserted into the movie Crash. NSFW. Drink – I said inserted.

Don’t want to discuss it. Think its time for a change.

As you can probably tell by the picture, Gina Party was in charge of the meat this Labor Day Weekend. I usually pick out the hamburger or chicken, but when it comes to big juicy wieners, I bow to her experience and knowledge.

For the record, I didn’t eat that one.

It’s no big secret that Issac and I like to joke about race and politics. So when I met him at Ozzie’s on Saturday to watch the Michigan State game, I didn’t want to disappoint my good friend.

He was sharing a table with a guy who went to Montana State. They were playing Michigan State for those of you that don’t follow college football.

When I found out where he was from, I said, “I would love to live in Montana.”

“Oh yea, why’s that?” he asked.

“No black people,” I responded.

Issac buried his head in his hands and said, “Man, he’s off to a fast start today.”

And then I assured the waitress he would leave at least a 15% tip.

I need your help resolving a domestic dispute for a friend. Read the following poll carefully, and vote for your honest opinion.

That reminds me, the following domain names are available in case you ever want to start your own website:

letsmakeoutinthebathroom.com

icouldhavehadhimtwoyearsagoifiwantedto.com

youneedahearingaid.com

denydenydeny.net

iamneverwrong.net

ineverapologize.com

I’m a whole lot easier to talk to when I’ve had a few – settled down. Whiskey kills the man you’ve turned me into. And I come alive.