I like to laugh, but there are certain things I just don’t think are funny. That probably explains why I stopped listening to Howard Stern.

Twitter allows me to follow a lot of funny people. It has also exposed me to a legion of douche bags. I’ve read jokes about things like the Tucson shooting, Michael J. Fox and cancer.

Not funny.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m no saint. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve busted a gut listening to a few Stephen Lynch songs.

But my philosophy on humor is this – don’t make fun of people that are unable to defend themselves or better their situation.

Do you think people on Welfare turned their clocks forward Saturday night – or will they realize the time change when they wake up Monday afternoon and Judge Mathis isn’t on?

You turn me on, you lift me up

I have one thing to say to the NFL and the players’ union while they work on a new collective bargaining agreement – move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday night.

Most of the free world could care less about billionaires arguing with millionaires. Just work it out.

But the Monday after the Super Bowl is brutal. Change it.

Meanwhile, we have the teachers’ union in Wisconsin fighting with the state legislature.

Unions certainly have their place in the private sector because of competition and consumer choice. State governments, however, have no competition.

Econ 101 class concluded…

Back to Wisconsin: Democratic state senators have fled to Illinois to stall the vote. Teachers have been off the job for over a week. Doctors are roaming the crowd offering to write fake sick notes to protesters.

But Heaven help me if I call in sick the day after the Super Bowl.

And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor
We can go slow or make it go faster

Ever heard of the internet?

I’ve been pouring through stats and injury reports to determine the winner of this year’s Super Bowl. But none of that matters now that I’ve remembered an important key to the game – Ben Roethlisberger is a douche bag.

A few years ago a buddy of mine ran into him outside a bar. Big Ben and his entourage had surrounded my buddy’s girlfriend and a group of her friends while he was paying the bill.

When he walked outside, he could tell his girlfriend was uncomfortable. And when he tried to intervene, Big Ben asked “Do you know who I am?”

Yes, Big Ben, everyone knows who you are. You are the guy that was suspended by the NFL for the first four games of the season after allegations of sexual misconduct.

You are also a really creepy dude.

Final Score: Packers, 27-13

Super Bowl Prop Bets

What will be the Result of the Super Bowl XLV Coin Toss?
Heads: -105
Tails: -105
Pick: Tails

How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem? (Over/Under 1 minute 54 seconds)
Pick: Over

Player to score the first TD in the game:
Pick: Aaron Rodgers (12/1)

How many times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game? (Over/Under 2.5)
Pick: Over

What color with the Gatorade be for the post game Gatorade dump?
Yellow: 3/2
Clear/Water: 2/1
Orange: 3/1
Lime Green: 5/1
Blue: 10/1
Red: 15/2
Pick: Orange

CROSS SPORT PROPS – Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl and Milwaukee Brewers win on MLB Opening Day (3/31/11)?
Yes: +210
No: -270
Pick: Yes +210

No work and all play

Kahuku, HI, February 1, 1996:…On this day in history, I was staying at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore of Oahu with a girlfriend I affectionately called ‘Doggie Style.’ And by affectionately, I mean she had no idea that is what I called her to my friends.

The hotel was sweet. It’s the same place they filmed ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’ I’m not lying. Google it.

Anyway, we had spent the previous three days on the tourist-filled streets and beaches of Waikiki Beach, so the resort was a welcome change.

After we checked into the room, we went for a walk, and ended up in the woods along the golf course. I can’t explain what happened next other than we had outdoor sex. Twenty minutes later we were putting our clothes back on. And by twenty, I mean three.

As we walked back into civilization she noticed her legs were covered with red insect bites. I spotted a security guard and asked, “Are there mosquitoes in Hawaii?”

He pointed and replied, “The woods behind you are infested with them.”

I bought her a Skeeter Stik at the gift shop, but it didn’t seem to help with the itching. Then I told her the mosquitoes had bitten her because she has such sweet blood. She gave me a dirty look, and said I was being insensitive.

I went down to the bar and got drunk on Blue Hawaiians and Mai Tais.

That girl was moody.

I bought a ticket to the world
But now I’ve come back again

This was the year I had to renew my driver’s license. The lady at the DMV was surprisingly efficient.

DMV LADY
Are the 5′ 9″ and 180 pounds still the same?

BENNY
The 5′ 9″ is.

I asked her to change my weight to 215 lbs.

That’s a bit high. But I figured that would be enough to motivate me to lose weight.

And, if I lose weight and commit a major crime, they’ll be looking for a fat guy.

Do what you say
Say what you mean

Only Crowe Dog would walk into a room and say, “Guess who just bought a new scarf?”

Okay, I’ve had a few glasses (bottles) of wine tonight, but let’s get through this.

I get pissed off when people at the gym give me a dirty look when I don’t use the spray bottle and towel every time I use a weight machine.

Here’s the deal – I’m at a gym to lose weight. To do so, I lift weights on one machine, and then move to the next one.

Taking the time to grab a spray bottle and towel off every machine is completely unnecessary.

Unless you’re a pussy.

If I use a cardio machine for 30 minutes – and sweat profusely – then I will wipe the machine.

Get over it.

Dicks.

Well I heard the news
That you were back in town

Every year between Christmas and New Year’s, normal people pack up their holiday decorations, and put them back into storage.

I have a similar tradition, but it follows the last KC Chiefs game of the season. You see, this is the time I pack up my Chiefs collection, and put it away until next season.

So back into the plastic bins they go – the flag, model semi-truck, model motorcycle chopper, fishing lure, ink pen, magic-8 football, miniature replica of Arrowhead Stadium, a book on the history of Arrowhead, countless jerseys…the list goes on.

I could list every item – but I don’t want anyone to think I’m obsessed.

And I should have the Christmas Tree out of my living room by March.

- Poor Lady Chiefs Fan Caught With Her Boobs Out After Post-Playoff Pity Hump (NSFW) Thanks, John M.

So lock up your daughter
And lock up your wife
Lock up your back door
And run for your life