I’ve got nothing today so I thought I would write about meeting a college girlfriend’s parents for the first time.

Actually, I have about 500 stories from this era, and hope to put them into a book some day called, “Why I am still single.”

Sally was a sweet girl from a small town in southern Missouri.  We had been dating for six months when I went home for a semester while she continued her education.  And by went home, I mean the college suspended me for the spring semester.  Apparently, my GPA equaled the number of parties I had missed during the fall; 1.0.

She decided that I should drive down one Friday night and go to her hometown the following morning to meet her parents.  Caught in the midst of a three-week slump, I agreed.

I stopped by to see a few buddies before I went to her place.  She was a little disappointed when I called with the news, but said she looked forward to seeing me in an hour or so.

During this brief window of opportunity, some dude walked in with a big bag of mushrooms.  Not wanting to be rude, I ate a handful, and put on some Pink Floyd.

I somehow let two hours elapse, and called Sally with an update. Again, she was a little miffed at why I didn’t want to see her.  I explained that wasn’t the case, and I would be over in another hour. 

The truth was I didn’t know how I was going to drive because I had bugs in my eyes and thought I was the devil. 

Thankfully, another guy stopped by who wasn’t tripping, and said he would drop me off at her place on the way to the gas station.  Everyone piled into the car and off we went.

Because I was laughing uncontrollably in the back seat, I lost track of time and direction.  I noticed that we were on a highway; a highway in another state.

I was informed that we were taking a road trip to Oklahoma to see something called the spook light.  I asked the driver to pull off at the next exit so I could call Sally.  It was after midnight, and I had to call her collect from a pay phone; not the greatest of moves. 

Besides, I was tripping so hard, I could barely speak.  Sally said that she was leaving at 7 AM; with our without me.

We never saw the spook light, but spent two hours staring up at the stars on a deserted dirt road in Oklahoma.  We drank beer and argued whether or not we were the only life form in the universe.

The sun was coming up as we pulled back into town, and I finally made it to Sally’s, beating the deadline by fifteen minutes. 

After a two and a half hour drive, we arrived at her parent’s house.  I remember shaking her Dad’s hand, and then waking up on their sofa at 4:00 in the afternoon.  He was smoking a pipe, and staring at me like I had just driven over the family pet.

Funny, but her parents never really seemed to like me.

I like the nightlife, baby.

Benny

Once again, I hear a song on the way to work, and it’s been going through my head all day.  Unfortunately, today was some stupid song by Justin Timberlake, and I have no idea why I was listening to it.

Cause I, gotta have you naked by the end of this post.

O.J. Simpson has written a new book titled, “If I did it”, and explains how he would have committed the murders had he been the one responsible for the crimes.” 

If he did it?  That’s like me saying, “If I liked beer.” 

Some douche bag is selling his soul over the internet. 

Joey Skaggs is selling a watch that detects bullshit.  If you have the time, read some of the pranks this guy has pulled.  Classic.

Mike K. emailed the Best Tattoo Ever.  Warning: Contains graphic nudity.

With eight seconds left in overtime, she’s on your mind.

Benny

I’m a supporter of the Patriot Act, but under the new law, a couple faces 20 years in prison for a sexual escapade aboard a flight.  What kind of world do we live in when you can’t go down on your girlfriend during a cross-country flight?

This chick poops in the hot tub. 

Sometimes when I’m bored, I go to self-checkout lane at the grocery store, and choose “Espanol” on the screen.  It makes me laugh because I don’t know what they’re saying. 

Have you ever realized that you are an adult, and the only pictures on your walls are of dogs playing poker and your favorite sports stadium?

Me neither.

Issac is moving to Michigan on Thursday, and he wants me to buy his furniture.  I asked if he’s ever had sexual relations on the sofa.  He replied that I shouldn’t be picky given my history with sofas.  Word.  I can’t wait to pee on it. 

I just hope he’ll take a post-dated, four-party check. 

Benny

Just when Tory K. thought it was safe to come back to The Summer of Benny, he writes a comment and gets blasted for expressing his opinion.  I refrained from writing about the election results, but these guys went at it like a couple of heavyweights.

Speaking of heavyweights, check out Klitschko knocking out Brock last Saturday night.  I apologize for the background music, but this was the best video I could find.  Be sure to wait for the slow motion replay.  Brock looks like the alien from Men in Black.

I find it amazing that this Denzel Washington story didn’t make the news. A Hollywood star donates his time and money to help our injured soldiers, and it only appears on page three of the Metro section in San Antonio.  Who says the media has a liberal bias? - Thanks, Tory K.

For those who can’t figure this out, here’s how to use the print screen function on your computer. - Thanks, Tom d G.

If you are a shy person who lacks confidence in social settings, try Tequila. - Thanks Scott B. 

Life imitates art?  The new Tenacious D movie, The Pick of Destiny, is about a kid from a strict Christian family in Kickapoo, MO, and his band mate wears a “Trainwreck” t-shirt.  Hey Crowe Dog, they stole your story, man.

Have you ever been unable to find a used condom, only to watch your dog shit it out the next day?

Me neither.

I’ll be the boy in the corduroy pants.  You be the girl at the high school dance.

Benny

A picture’s worth a thousand words. - Thanks, Scott B.

This picture reminded me of the time in high school when my Dad woke me up at 7AM on a Saturday morning, led me outside to the driveway, and stuck my head in the back seat of the family wagon.

I was a little hung over and didn’t get his point.  He told me to look up at the interior ceiling, and then, I saw the footprints. 

“Clean this up before your Mother sees it,” he said.

I agreed, and he went back into the house.

In our moment(s) of passion, I guess Stephanie and I didn’t think to get rid of the evidence.  I wiped the footprints off the ceiling, and dealt with the day’s worth of dirty looks from Pop.  Deep down inside, I knew he was proud of me.

There will always be a double standard for sons and daughters.  Deal with it.

Guys caught staring at girls. - Funny pictures.

Bobby Knight has troubles getting out of the sand. - Thanks TJ.  Warning: Contains profanity.  Shocker.

Someone turned the movie Office Space into a thriller.

Staying with that theme, here’s me driving to work.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Benny

I am abstaining from making any references to the mid-term election results.

Happy Birthday, Niro. 

Message to Sheila L:  Thanks for continuing to read the blog after moving to Minnesota.  Have a great winter.  I hear they’re mild.

Theresa H. sent me an email because she thought I might like this girl.  She was correct.

Just when I thought we made it through a day without mentioning Dan-girl, I see her in a movie.  Warning: You must be at least 21 years old, and enter your country and birthday to view.  This is a liquor company site; not porn.  Sorry.

She has man hands.

According to Modern Drunkard Magazine, the ‘86 NY Mets liked to party. - Thanks, TJ.

I think this chick had too much to drink.

Sacha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Borat) sings In My Country There Is Problem.  Spare the hate mail.  He is Jewish and trying to expose ignorance and anti-Semitism.

Question for the younger readers: Why do you spend time composing text messages in your cell phone when you could just call?

You know you’re getting old when the cologne you wore “back in the day” can now be found at Wal-Mart.

Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it’s been.

Benny

Today is Erection Day. At least that’s what the guy at Wok Express told me.

Onion Sports: St. Louis Cardinals apologize for winning the World Series.

I came across cat poop coffee. Don’t bother asking what I was searching for when I found this. Good to the last dropping.

Scott B. emailed this video of Honest Wedding Vows.

Today was Dani-girl’s first day back to work after the boob job. She sent me an email and said she could only take Advil; no Vicodin. A co-worker asked her if “she was constipated.”

She admitted that she needs to work on her “pain face”, but seeing her boobies pop out of her button-up shirt more than made up for it.

Britney Spears filed for divorce from K-Fed. I love Britney Spears, and I don’t know why, but this time it feels different. It all started when I saw the music video where she dressed up like a Catholic school girl.

“Oops, I did it again.” Yes you did baby, and so did I.

The $2 bill is making a comeback thanks in part to strip clubs. This is an outrage. The next time I’m at one of these establishments, I’m going to hand the dancer a $2 bill, and ask for change.

Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted.

Benny