Will today be the end of the World as we know it?  Many people are speculating that August 22nd signifies a supposed day of reckoning on the Islamic calendar.  I wish it meant they had to shower.

I’m ashamed that I haven’t learned more about HTML and the internet.  When I first discovered the world wide web, I admit most of my surfing was dedicated to porn and gambling. 

I decided years ago to put those vices behind me but caught an interesting news story the other day.  Grand Nevada is an online gambling site that employs live, naked girls as dealers.  Talk about killing two birds with one stone.  You can play black jack with your pants around your ankles.  Spank me; I mean hit me.

There is not a bigger racist on TV than Bryant Gumbel.  Last year, I watched him spew rhetoric about the Winter Olympics and how they are dominated by white athletes.  Now, he’s in trouble with the NFL for his comments made about outgoing commissioner, Paul Tagliabue.  The beautiful thing is he is scheduled to be an announcer for the NFL Network later in the season.  Punt his ass.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it but this year’s fall TV lineup will feature less gays.  The people at GLAAD don’t seem too happy with the news.  I thought they were against drunk driving, or something.

A former sex slave of Osama Bin Laden has written a book which details the ruthless killer’s infatuation with Whitney Houston.  All of a sudden, Bobby Brown doesn’t seem that bad.

I wanna dance with somebody.

Benny

This should be me lying there enjoying the Summer of Benny.  Instead, I find myself writing during my lunch hour. 

I used to own a framed copy of today’s picture but  accidentally left it at the condo when I split with my drunken ex-girlfriend.  I also left my bike helmet but decided it would be easier to replace both items than listening to her slur profanities at me.

I took a long nap on Sunday.  And by nap, I mean passed out.  Tom d G called around Noon and said he still had about $300 worth of alcohol in his system and needed to keep the ball rolling.  So, instead of spending the day doing laundry, I found myself drinking the afternoon away and fell asleep around 5:00.  Luckily, I awoke at 8:53, just in time to catch Entourage.

Monday morning -  hung over and still no clean underwear.  Sweet.

I was able to make a batch of Taco Soup before I got tanked.  The recipe is the only thing my aforementioned ex-girlfriend gave me.  Well, that and chlamydia.

Tramps like us…

Benny

Almost Famous… Dani-girl and the whack job from Parties in the Plaza.

I’m not much into sibling rivalries unless they involve The Summer of Benny.  Last week, I received a donation of $2.75 for a beer at Trainwreck Saloon from six Embry-Riddle students in Florida. 

This morning, a brother of one of the donors, and his two buddies, donated $17.00 for a case of beer and waffles.  Here’s the accompanying email:

Dear Mr. Drew Carey; I mean Benny,
If you think those fellers from Embry-Riddle hooked you up with one beer, we’re donating a whole case and then some.  You inspired us when you called Justin’s girlfriend while we were swimming.  We finally realized what a sweet and caring man you were to have enough concern to call her back and let her know that Justin was okay.  In case you haven’t realized yet, this is Vance (Chuck’s son), Justin, and T.J.  We met you at the pool.  We decided to send you $17.00.  First of all, we wanted to not just buy you one beer, but a whole case to drink by the pool ($13.95).  Then, when you fall asleep, wake up, and have a huge craving for Waffle House, the extra $3.05 can be used for some waffles.  We think what your doing is kick ass, so we will be telling all of our friends back at home.  Have a great summer.  Please find attached to your door, the donation to The Summer of Benny.
Vance, TJ and Justin

 I think I can squeeze a 30-pack out of the donation.  Sweet. 

I’ve decided to patronize a local strip club wearing gym shorts without any underwear.  That should get their attention.

What the World needs now is a new Frank Sinatra so I can get you in bed.

Benny

I don’t care what diet you are on; Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, whatever…  No diet allows you to eat at the Waffle House at 3:30 in the morning.  Evidentially, I wasn’t following a nutritional plan last night as I found myself at the counter, eating an All-Star breakfast with hash browns (smothered, covered and peppered), 4 hours before I had to be at work. 

I’m sure I earned a lot of points this morning when I arrived 10 minutes late, looking like Keith Richards. 

Thanks to the guys at Embry-Riddle U. for buying me a beer last night.  I enjoyed it so much, I drank 12 more.

To make a bad day worse, this morning I discovered I was out of clean underwear.  Oh, I have back-ups but they are briefs, which I despise.  Nothing motivates me to do laundry more than spending a day with my nut sack crammed into a pair of tidy whities.  I’m tempted to step into the bathroom and go commando.  

I’ve learned that most girls don’t like to be called, “Sugar Tits.”

Friday I’m in Love.

Benny

Are you ready for some football?  - Thanks Leo K.

I declare Jihad on this piece of crap.  WTF?

Sometimes when I’m bored, I stare at foreigners and pretend I’m speaking their language in my head. 

Does marriage cure depression?  I don’t know who did this research but all you need to do is ask a guy who’s been married for over five years.  They’re usually not jumping up and down and farting rainbows.

20 Saudi Fudge Packers were arrested in Riyadh at a gay wedding.  I tend to make fun of gay guys that act extremely feminine.  But, it’s even funnier when you see a Middle Eastern pillow biter.  When I’m depressed, I go to the 7-11 up the street, buy a tacquito, and laugh at the gay cashier.  That always lifts my spirits and it sure beats getting married.

I wish that I had Jesse’s girl.

Benny

After my drive home, I added a new definition.

Main Entry: ¹pan·ic
Pronunciation: ‘pa-nik
Function: adjective
1 : of, relating to, or resembling the mental or emotional state believed induced by the god Pan <panic fear>
2 : halfway home during a 40-minute commute with a brown snake playing peek-a-boo.  Barely make it home, rush to the bathroom, back one out, and realize you are out of toilet paper.

I bought condoms the other day that have an expiration date.  I really don’t need this kind of pressure in my life.

This is what I love about Democrats.  Illinois Senator Barack Obama gives a speech warning against gas guzzling and then leaves in an SUV.

Looks like Dirty Harry is upset with the tabloids for printing pictures of him grabbing boobies.  If I was in his shoes, I would be getting ass every night and publishing pictures on my own, subscription-based website.

RIP, Bruno Kirby.

John M. from KC emailed this crazy link.  Japanese people are just weird. 

I really think so.

Benny

Wearing an orange vest, dark capri pants, and shoes without socks, Boy George began serving his court-ordered community service by sweeping the sidewalks of New York.  The picture of him holding a broom is not near as funny as seeing a dude wearing capri pants.  And by dude, I mean pole smoker.

Thanks to Kyle H. (Chuck’s son?) and his five buddies at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University.  They made a donation of $2.75 to the Summer of Benny and sent the following message:  “This is from 6 Embry-Riddle U. students. We loved your idea and story so far, so we decided to buy you a beer at the Trainwreck Saloon.”

Sweet.

Periodically, I receive hate mail calling me everything from a fat, lazy drunk to a full-blown drain on society.  I guess some people fail to see the humor.  The main reason for the website is this Blog which most people have bookmarked in order to bypass the homepage.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t have loved to sit on my ass and drink beer all summer if the idea had worked.  I will soon be making the Blog my homepage while I find a way to make a living on the internet. 

The NFL has banned Gary Glitter’s anthem, Rock ‘N Roll, Part II after the songwriter was arrested in Thailand on child molestation charges.  Each NFL team is coming up with a new song.  My vote is to let fans smoke weed after every score and crank some Southern Rock.

Is there any other profession that enjoys talking about their job more than teachers?  The worst three words you can hear from a teacher are, “Today at school…”  You might as well open a beer and pull up a chair because you’re going to be there a while.

Muslims are facing extra scrutiny at airport security checks in the UK.   It’s about frickin’ time.

Check out Prince Harry with a handful of titties. 

You’re my lover, not my rival.

Benny